Another example: Noesner was once negotiating with a man who had holed up inside his house and threatened to kill himself if anyone came in. They had a line of communication, but no one could figure out how to get a real conversation going until one negotiator, who was interviewing the man's sister, discovered that he really, really loved his dog. Just asking the guy about Sgt. McFlufferbottom (dog's real name omitted for anonymity) opened up a line of conversation and eventually got the man out of the house alive.

Who's a good boy? Sgt. McFlufferbottom is a damn good boy.

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So much better than that Son of Sam dog.

That's not how it plays out in reality. You're not trying to outwit the criminal, you're trying to help him make the decision that's best for everybody involved. Why wouldn't you want the largest team possible at your back, gathering intel?

When Noesner was lead negotiator at the Waco standoff, he had over a dozen people on his team working 12-hour shifts, digging up every bit of information he could -- which is why they were able to negotiate the release of 35 individuals, including 19 children, before that whole situation turned into, well, Waco.

And yes, we are absolutely going to focus on the 19 children who went free instead of literally everything else about those tragic events, because we are psychologically fragile beings and were once traumatized by an episode of the Care Bears.

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Some shit we just cannot handle.

Everyone knew exactly how they were going to act, because the folks in charge were going by a single "terrorist profile." When that profile turned out to be wrong, people ended up dying. Other times you'll be up against ordinary criminals who are pretending to be terrorists in order to get law enforcement to strategize with their terrorist playbook, since that makes them more predictable. And yes, this is exactly what Hans Gruber did in Die Hard.

"We have seen many instances of kidnappings in South America, particularly in Colombia, where criminal groups have pretended to be terrorists in order to extract a higher ransom payment," says Noesner. "Too often this bogus declaration leads law enforcement and governments to deal with them less effectively because they believe they are terrorists, when their only real motivation is money rather than politics."

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"And lo, the Lord did declareth that we shall be paid in unmarked bills and small denominations."

It is also possible to overestimate a terrorist. In the movies, they're all devoted, motivated, and well-equipped enemies who can only be stopped by strapping them to a missile and shooting them into their own helicopter. But in real life, many terrorists are pawns in a game they can only barely comprehend, like Mongo from Blazing Saddles. In 1985, after Palestinian terrorists took over the Achille Lauro cruise ship and were captured, Noesner interrogated them to try to figure out what their political motivations were. He discovered that they seemed to know less about their own agenda than he did.

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"We want to get those guys out of Gaza, the ... Buddhists, I think."

"Being flexible and creative in dealing with terrorists is the key," Noesner says. "If you assume that they're that evil and won't back down or compromise, then you are less likely to open up a negotiation process in an attempt to influence their behavior, which has proven to be successful more often than people believe."

Wait, what is this hippie crap? Let's just give all the terrorists flowers, right? Let's take violence entirely off the table and hope that starlight and wishes can stop them, just like that one scarring Care Bears episode. Actually, turns out the nonviolent approach might very well be the best ...