But before you start holding South Korean males up on a social pedestal because they're so much more accepting than us uptight prudish Westerners, just know they're still totally capable of homophobia. I've had a young man, while sitting on another young man's lap and stroking his inner thigh, disparagingly utter the words, "Teacher, that's gay."

What I got instead was an office full of the same bored, sleepy-eyed co-workers I see every damn day. I asked several of them why they weren't running around shitting their pants and converting to every religion they've ever heard of, just in case. The universal response: a shrug and "Eh, they do this all the time."

AAP/Yonhap News Agency
He's just grandstanding to win his imaginary elections.

And they do. Since the '60s, North Korea has constantly threatened its southern neighbor with harm and acted on these threats precisely zero times. They tend to turn up the rhetoric whenever they need aid, which either we or the Americans give them in order to shut them up for a while. Then, once they start whining again, we give them a bit more aid and they go away. In that sense, North Korea is much less a legion of supervillains and more a child throwing a tantrum at Toys "R" Us until their exasperated mother buys them that Buzz Lightyear they absolutely must have or else.

So while I and my fellow greenhorn teachers were bracing for the inevitable North Korean apocalypse (like the zombie apocalypse, only somehow more dead inside), the teachers who had been around the block simply bitched about how the South Korean won might shrink in value for a bit. They're so unfazed, it's almost comical. Although not quite as comical as the time North Korea sent a threatening fax to South Korea. In 2013.

But here? If you call the fuzz over somebody blaring Girls' Generation's greatest hits for hours on end, they'll just laugh at you and tell you to deal with it. Over here, a constant unending cacophony is the norm. The first time I saw a truck with a loudspeaker on top blaring frantic-sounding announcements that could be heard blocks away, I thought, "Oh shit, did North Korea finally get the balls to invade after literally decades of psyching themselves up in the mirror?" Nope: Turns out the truck driver was just trying to sell pears, and as we all know, fruit tastes best when spiced with 250 decibels of pure ear pain.

Meanwhile, every single weekend of the year, the electronics store across the street from me sets up these massive speakers, along with a stage for two girls in skimpy little outfits. They have these choreographed dances and look like they've stepped right out of a K-pop video. Come for the head-bursting volume, stay for the perverse ogling. And somewhere in there, presumably they sell some thumb drives?

MJ Stacey
"If we dance hard enough, perhaps someday we can afford the rest of our pants."

Technically, there are laws on the books about noise. Hell, we even have an Office of Noise Control, not that they do anything. Maybe they'd act if the president complained, but other than that, nobody seems to care if you think your neighbor needs to shut up. You're expected to either live with it or deal with the problem yourself. Although it's not recommended that you murder the offending party, like one man recently did. Or at least if you do, be sure to do it quietly -- the people can't hear the pear truck.

Americans as a whole greatly value their privacy. Over here? Not so much. Maybe we're not exchanging credit card information, but just about everything else about our business is everybody's business. It's not unheard of, for example, to hear somebody call someone else fat. This isn't meant as an insult; just that they're concerned about that person's health. In a South Korean's mind, if they buttoned their yap about such things because it was "private," the other person's health might suffer. They're not being nosy or insulting; they're saving your life! You probably just didn't realize you were being attacked by a rogue pair of love handles. Thanks for the body update, stranger!

Andersen Ross/Blend Images/Getty Images
"You're lucky those fat fingers can even fit in your mouth. Just sayin'."

I went to the hospital for an ear infection once (no doubt brought on by that goddamned pear truck), and later on the nurse wanted to make sure I was OK. But instead of calling me, she simply asked the nearest foreigner how I was doing. As if we all knew each other!

I mean, we did actually know each other. So chalk one up for well-meaning xenophobes, I guess?

But still, she thought it was totally OK to pass my medical records around like a jug of house wine. Luckily, this time it was just an earache, but what if I had something I didn't wish to share with the whole town? Based on what I've experienced, not a whole lot would change. One time I went for an allergy test with a friend. When I picked up my results, the doctor gave me my friend's results as well. Even though it was her personal information, the doctor believed it merely convenient that I bring it to her.

Keizie/Wikimedia
I absolutely didn't exploit this information and hide peanuts in her pancake as a hilarious prank.

More worryingly, if you're on South Korea's national insurance plan (and there's a really, really good chance you are), your employer knows your entire medical history. If you have depression and seek psychiatric help through the plan, your bosses will know. That might cause problems, as depression is still deeply stigmatized in most of South Korea, and your bosses knowing how sad you are could very well cost you your job, which would make you even sadder. I'm pretty sure that's the circle of life Elton John was talking about.

It's not officially prostitution, but remember that nothing here is, because prostitution is totally, for-realsies, cross-your-heart illegal.

Now, slowly realize that's actually a collection of 18 different women. Hold up, it's not just the normal casual racism at play here: All of those women are working very hard to look identical. South Korea is the place to go for plastic surgery, but there's pretty much only the one "look."

My friend teaches at a girls' middle school. She'll ask them, "Hey, what did you guys do over vacation?" and they'll proudly respond, "Mommy bought me eyelid surgery." They don't want some trite platitude like "But sweetie, you've always been pretty." They want confirmation that their procedure brought them one step closer to the ultimate South Korean beauty ideal. A big part of that is the vaunted "double eyelid" look.

via Anime Picks
Fun side effect: This removes your ability to cry.

This and other plastic surgery procedures make up Seoul's #1 graduation gift year in and year out.

So what exactly do these girls hate about themselves (besides everything)? Well, they think their faces are too big and round, so they undergo jaw reduction surgery and cheekbone shaving to achieve the V-shaped face that brings all the boys to the yard. They believe that their eyes are too small, so they double lid it, get a blepharoplasty (further work on the eyelid to make it squeaky-clean), and widen their eyes by cutting the inner corners with an epicanthoplasty. And of course, they want the ideal "S-line" figure, so they undergo rib removal. In short, the worst parts of an Eli Roth torture-porn are just business as usual for young South Korean women.

Asia News Network
Why do both before and after pics look like desperate cries for help?

Beyond pure culturally imposed vanity, there's another reason so many Koreans spend top dollar to recreate the Clone Wars. There is enormous pressure to compete here in every way. You need to submit personal photos along with every single resume (even for jobs where that shouldn't matter), and those precious, scarce jobs often go to the "prettier" party. To many, plastic surgery isn't done just to look like the Hollywood ideal -- it's considered a sound career move.

Read MJ Stacey's short stories and general musings at http://mjkorea0989.blogspot.kr/. Jason Iannone is a Cracked columnist, freelance editor, and dick joke journalist. He also likes coffee, and whether he meant it in that way or not is left to your sick, perverted imaginations. Let him know what yours dreams up via Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and eponymous website.

Now see what South Koreans think about us in 24 Things Other Countries Suspect About Life in America.

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