5 Insane Lessons from My Christian Fundamentalist Childhood

I've heard people in the Quiverfull movement -- parents, pastors, homeschooling gurus -- say things like: "All children are blessings. It's godly to be fruitful and multiply. Look at the birth rates across the world -- the Muslims are the only people keeping up with us! They're going to outbreed the Europeans, and in the end we'll be all that's left of Western civilization."

That is not a recent development. The only thing "new" about that statement is the ethnicity of the rivals. Before terrorism started to dominate the news in 2001, the Chinese were the international threat we had to fear. My family had a few primary news sources: One, called God's World News, was for the kids, and then there were World Magazine and Voice of the Martyrs (which really sounds more like a broadsheet you'd find in downtown Fallujah). They were filled with stories of Christian martyrs getting killed in various Asian countries. As a result of this and your average evangelism training classes in third grade, I came to believe that my life would be useful to God only if I did one of two things: either go to the "10/40 Window" (the non-Western world located between 10 and 40 degrees north of the equator) as a missionary (or the wife of one), or have as many kids as I could as a stay-at-home homeschooling mom, raising up more kids for the cause.

Now, having left the movement for the "real world," I'm utterly appalled at how blatantly racist/colonialist this attitude was, and how fundamental colonialist racism (called "dominionism" internally) was to the entire movement. My parents never voiced any of this xenophobia themselves, but everyone around us acted like it was the only reason we, as children of Quiverfull parents, existed in the first place.

Yeah, that whole "children as weapons" thing? It was only barely a metaphor.

My mom worked as a nurse before my dad retired her to start having kids on a semi-professional basis, but she kept her nursing certification active through the years. That was an anomaly. Some women in the movement may go to college (only as a backup plan in case your husband becomes a paraplegic, of course), but birthing and caring for kids is the highest achievement a woman could or should aspire to. Even little girls aren't really encouraged to dream much beyond that goal. I had a friend who would create complicated strategy games for racing these little horse figurines we collected. Her parents banned her from playing it because she wasn't spending enough time helping with babies, cooking, and cleaning. Later, she wrote a fantasy novel and printed out the final draft in this big binder -- it was over 300 pages long. The family computer crashed and this was the only copy. But because she'd spent so much time and effort on that instead of her scullery maid duties, her parents said the novel was "an idol." She was obviously putting her writing above her devotion to God, so her parents burned it in the living room fireplace. They never even read it.

My mom got her own email address last year. And so we're clear, my dad wasn't being "extreme" at all. That's just how the fundamentalist movement embraced technology -- if people are fundamentally sinful, and if you sincerely desire to follow God wholeheartedly, you'll submit to complete transparency in every area of your life for the sake of your spiritual well-being. A lot of newlyweds who haven't left the movement merge their Facebook accounts to one ("John & Jane Smith") for the same reasons. Well, either that or they're becoming some sort of Cronenbergian merged body-horror Facebook monster.

It's ... probably the first one.

Here's the rough diagram of Quiverfull's holiness scale for romantic relationships: You've got arranged marriage as obviously the least sinful solution, and then there's betrothal, common among the more firmly devout. If you think you're more "prone to temptation," you might have a brief, chaste "courtship" before getting engaged and married -- three months of courting or less is considered normal.

The parents usually orchestrate romantic relationships, although in a rare case it might be the young man's idea. If that's the case, he'd better be careful to suggest the idea to her father in such a way that the father thinks it's totally his own idea. The best way is to get the mom on your side before approaching the dad. After all, "the woman is the neck."

Generally speaking, at no point before the parents propose the courtship does the woman know anything about this boy's interest. It's entirely possible that the couple won't spend a single hour alone together before their wedding night. And then there's supposed to be a transformation from naive, Disney-caliber virgin to smokin' hot wife, despite the girl having never seen an erect penis before in her life. Heck, she's really lucky if she actually knows how to get herself off before the wedding night!

But of course, the genitals of both parties are treated like proximity mines at all times. Dating is considered just barely preferable to prostitution. After all, you're giving away pieces of your heart to each person you date, and you'll never get those back -- and then you won't be able to give your spouse your whole heart on your wedding night. And right about now, you're mentally casting all of these roles with 18th century peasants. But remember, this is not in a walled-off commune somewhere. We're talking about teenagers in the United States in an era with the Internet and smartphones. There are dicks everywhere -- you've probably seen 10 today. There's probably one flopping around somewhere in your peripheral vision right now, and yet the normal-seeming girl across from you (yeah, that one wearing the "purity ring") while you're reading this in class may have absolutely no idea what a dong looks like. Despite the fact that she's about to be engaged.

Marital rape is like unicorns and hoverboards: It doesn't exist. Rape is generally the fault of the woman. My friend, the same one who had her novel burned, wound up hiding her online social life out of fear of having that taken away from her, too. Eventually she met some guy in a chat room, things got serious, she met up with him, and he raped her. When she went to her parents, their first reaction was to accuse her of lying. They did eventually take her to the cops, but only so she could sign a statement recanting this whole "rape" claim officially. I wrote up that whole story here, if you'd like to test whether enough impotent rage can make your hair spontaneously combust.

Our sex education isn't even particularly good once you get pregnant, even though that's ostensibly our only reason for existing. Apparently labor pain exists for my spiritual benefit.

Thanks, God! Did us all a real solid on that one, buddy. Stretch marks and distended uteri are totally not signs of physical destruction!

For more facts you'll wish you didn't know, check out 16 Shocking Statistics You'll Wish Were Made Up.

Related Reading: Cracked's also taken a look inside the hidden 'troubled teen' industry and spilled it's ugly secrets. We talked to an escaped Scientologist and even a former prostitute. Also; we talked to a prison guard. Got a story to share with Cracked? Message us here.

Hannah Ettinger has a website, and also runs a magazine for survivors of fundamentalist homeschooling, The Swan Children which just launched a new issue and she reviews young adult literature on her Youtube channel.