Soren Bowie
Soren is an American of some importance. He has amassed great wealth which is now in jeopardy. He is in need of persons with whom his family has no relationship. He seeks your cooperation and assistance in the transfer of 8,000,000.00 to your private bank account in Nigeria. To show his appreciation he will offer you 15% of the total sum including 20% of interest earned. Please treat this issue confidentially. Please send him your bank account number as well as a color photocopy of a Nigerian passport so he is certain you are a real resident. He waits to hear from you.
How Etsy Helped Me Find My Inner Creepy Self
Once more, Soren dives into the disturbing world of Etsy.
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- By Soren Bowie
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The Only 4 Super Bowl Ads Companies Know How to Make
I know exactly what to expect from the Super Bowl ads long before they air, and now I want to pass that knowledge along to you. So go forth, and take your friends' money.
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- By Soren Bowie
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5 People on Etsy Who Are Clearly Serial Killers
If you're curious about the minds of serial killers or you just have a dream of one day being on the news, here are five Etsy members you can contact who desperately want to sell you fear.
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- By Soren Bowie
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3 Despicable Internet Behaviors (That Are Really Your Fault)
Hey, did you hear? Humanity is doomed. Everyone on the Internet is saying so.
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- By Soren Bowie
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4 Awful Tips for Keeping New Year's Resolutions
If your plans to reshape yourself, whether figuratively or literally, have already started to crumble, I want to help.
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- By Soren Bowie
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A Letter to My Neighbors About My Dubstep Lightshow
First of all, happy holidays! I hope this letter finds you and your families well during the season of good cheer.
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- By Soren Bowie
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4 Ways Nature Brainwashes You into Taking Care of Babies
Babies are simply not prepared for the world when they arrive, and that's why Mother Nature tricks you into making sure they survive.
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- By Soren Bowie
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4 Directors Who Should Have Quit After Their First Movie
In the case of following four directors, they would have been better off creating one great movie and then bowing out of the spotlight forever. Instead, they insisted that the world keep watching as they committed cultural suicide, 90 painful minutes at a time.
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- By Soren Bowie
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Why the Rapper from 'Friday' and 'Thanksgiving' Is Evil
He strikes again and he must be stopped at all costs.
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- By Soren Bowie
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Excerpts from My Erotic Novel About My Co-Workers
November is National Novel Writing Month, and I'm aiming for a more tangible prize than a 400KB document cluttering up my hard drive. I want some goddamn money.
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- By Soren Bowie
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Ghost Hunting in The World's Creepiest Haunted House
I found a class on house healing via a flier off a car windshield. Now it's time to put my hard work to good use.
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- By Soren Bowie
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5 Homemade Costume Ideas for Parents Who Hate Their Kids
In the next week, as you hear kids making greedy demands of their parents or whining about how many Snickers they should be allowed to have in a day, there's a good chance those awful children will end up in one of these suits of pure punishment.
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- By Soren Bowie
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4 Truly Scary Facts No One Tells You About Halloween
Bad news dweebs, consider this column the shitty popcorn ball in your bag of candy. With any luck, it will spoil your favorite holiday just a little bit.
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- By Soren Bowie
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What to Expect When Expecting (in the Village of the Damned)
The decision to start a family can be one of the scariest, but also one of the most rewarding choices you will ever make. And for those of you who had no choice at all because you were inseminated by an alien mist while you were unconscious at the local fair a month ago, you'll be giving birth no matter what, so try to make the most of it.
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- By Soren Bowie
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How Google Image Search Made Me a World-Famous Moron
I discovered recently that hundreds of websites all over the western world feature my face, pressed hard against the driver's side window of a Toyota Camry (Limited Edition), staring at a set of keys locked hopelessly inside.
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- By Soren Bowie
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4 Yelp Reviews for Places That Actually Need Them
Wouldn't you want to know how many stars 'Your Girlfriend's Parents' House' got from her ex-boyfriend?
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- By Soren Bowie
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The 4 Stupidest Ways Credit Cards 'Reward' You for Spending
At some point banks figured out that as much as people like low interest rates, no annual fees and an online payment system, what we really go berserk for are prizes.
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- By Soren Bowie
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The 5 Most Pointless Abilities People Love to Brag About
For every person with an extraordinary gift, there are whole knots of normal people mistaking their asinine quirks for significant abilities. They celebrate their meaningless talents loudly and often, trying to convince anyone who will listen that they are super.
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- By Soren Bowie
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7 Celebrity Animals: Where Are They Now? (A Drunk Column)
There's a good chance this will end with me throwing up on the carpet. So let's get started!
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- By Soren Bowie
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