What to Expect When Expecting (in the Village of the Damned)
Hello and congratulations, expectant moms of Midwich! The decision to start a family can be one of the scariest, but also one of the most rewarding choices you will ever make. And for those of you who had no choice at all because you were inseminated by an alien mist while you were unconscious at the local fair a month ago, you'll be giving birth no matter what, so try to make the most of all the exciting and beautiful (and sometimes even embarrassing!) parental milestones that lie ahead of you. On behalf of our little family over here at the Defense Intelligence Agency and Office of Special Investigations, we want to personally say just how happy we are for you and your husband .
Over the next nine months, you'll probably find yourself wondering just what to expect when you're expecting, because pregnancies, like fingerprints, are all a little different. We've created this helpful guide from conception to postpartum to help keep you informed and to ensure that you maintain what we like to call "Your Three Hs": happiness, health and a satisfactory state of hydration to facilitate standard parturition. But above all else, don't forget to have fun! This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Take a moment every now and then to check in with your body and just enjoy the new sensations of your pregnancy because it will fly by so quickly that before you know it, that little bun in your oven will grow into a living, breathing child. Probably a soulless telepathic one that you'll have to blow up in a barn.
Naturally, you have a lot of questions, so let's get to them! The first of which is almost certainly:
Ahhhh! Please, No! Get It Out of Me!
We're glad you asked. Babies usually have a nine-month gestation period, although it's not uncommon for birth to occur up to three weeks before or after that due date. In the later months leading up to the delivery, it's perfectly normal for a mother to feel uneasy about her relationship to the new life inside her. While a woman will generally concentrate on the positive aspects of a pregnancy in daily conversation, she will at times feel as though she is a host to some small parasite that is devouring her core. What is only a passing and private terror for most mothers is a fairly accurate description of your personal pregnancy.
If you start feeling as though your baby is a foreign body sucking the life out of your insides, try to remember that your altruism and nurturing spirit can only have a positive effect on the baby when it's born. By acknowledging now that your relationship is symbiotic and that you are earning love in exchange for your nutrient-rich blood, you stand a better chance of teaching your baby empathy and the value of human connection. That will go a long way toward dissuading your child from murdering you years from now when it discovers the power of mind control.
Nonononono. Oh God, It's Changing Me, I Can Feel It.
Fun fact: Did you know that a woman's body will change more in the nine months of pregnancy than it will the rest of her life? Even puberty is no match for the moment your pelvis separates in preparation for childbirth, like the unhinged jaws of a snake. You are carrying precious cargo now, and your body will restructure itself to protect and pass that little life inside you. That means you're in for some weird (sometimes hilarious!) changes.
You may notice that you start producing excess saliva during the first trimester. This is a completely normal, if somewhat bizarre, side effect of pregnancy. As is a metallic taste you'll sometimes get, like you've been sucking on pocket change. Both are a result of overflowing hormones, but nothing to worry about.
You may also notice some intense, somewhat silly urges, like the need to eat tuna fish with ketchup, or increased sexual desire at inopportune moments, or the sudden impulse to submerge your whole arm into a cauldron of boiling chicken stock.
While most of these are harmless idiosyncrasies of pregnancy, it's important to note that boiling your arm or any other act of self-mutilation is bad for you, and bad for the baby. What you're most likely experiencing is your embryo testing its influence over you. That's why you should invest some time now in building a mental wall against your baby's best efforts to force you into painful suicide. Its powers will only grow once it's free of the womb, so there's no reason not to start practicing right now for being a mom! The thought of waves crashing on a beach has shown some empirical success in our limited studies of the other colonies, but even picturing a brick wall will generally have the same effect of counteracting your child's relentless efforts to destroy you.
Oh, and be forewarned, your ankles are going to swell right up! You may need some new shoes, because pregnancy will add girth to more than just your waistline. Although it may feel like it, this is not fat; it's just the additional body fluid associated with pregnancy. Some of the mothers we spoke with called it "Pregnant PMS" or "Puffy Mama Syndrome!" Haha!
But they're long dead now.
I've Forgotten Everything But Sadness. My Husband Weeps in the Attic at Night. His Gun Is Missing.
Great question, new moms! Hey, husbands, even though your wife is technically the one carrying the baby, you're both pregnant now, and you have a huge responsibility to help her any way you can. Right now she's going through a storm of emotions and impulses thanks to all those hormones; she's feeling for two now! Help make her as comfortable as possible, remind her she's beautiful and find a healthy combination of honesty and compassion.
Sure, you feel a little left out since the baby isn't technically yours, but remember that Jesus was born under the same circumstances. Imagine if Jesus never had a human father to teach him not to push people off of roofs with his mind.
And though your wife's fertilization from pure, apathetic evil severely undercuts the argument for an omnipotent God, you could say that your child -- and the collective hive mind with which it will soon meld into a superweapon -- is powerful enough to be godlike, so in a very terrible sense, your spouse is giving birth to a miracle. Now get off your duffs, dads! Your wife and that team of government scientists aren't going to raise this alien baby alone!*
*Not technically true. You are unessential in the success of this endeavor.
It Is Done. I Turned to Science and Asked Why, But There Were No Answers, So Now I Turn to Heaven for Protection. Protection Against My Own Child.
After childbirth, every mom reacts differently, so don't beat yourself up because you're not feeling the "right" emotions. In fact, some moms claim that the first year of having a child is even harder than giving birth. If you feel sad or lethargic, it's important to determine whether you are suffering from postpartum depression or if you're just regular depressed because your kid is using his eyes to kill all your friends. If it's the latter, then you've landed squarely in what is arguably the toughest part of being a parent: disciplining your child, specifically with capital punishment.
The silver lining to the task of trying to end your own lineage before it ends you is that, one way or another, it will be over soon. Plus, you'll never have to worry about those terrible teen years (driving! dates! ugh!).
Now shield your mind to pity, to maternal instinct, to the prying red eyes of your offspring. Steel yourself. You have trained for this. Be gentle, but be firm with your punishment, and don't back down from it. Choose a method that matches your strength -- mothers really do know best.
Good luck. Thousands of families are praying for you to succeed. But, you know, real families.
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