6 Stories That Prove Instagram Influencers Are The Worst

A cupcake with no bites taken and a plate with no crumbs. Clearly, we caught her right in the middle of breakfast.

As fun as it is to imagine that influencers are sneaking into each other's beds to eat cupcakes while reading their books, using their coffee cups, and striking their totally convincing "Look at how relaxed I am, fellow humans" poses, these shots are all fake as hell, and not even trying to be otherwise. Now, makeup and clothing ads of yesteryear weren't exactly famous for their commitment to truth, but remember that when you see an inspirational quote like this ...

... the person trying to teach you something is presenting a reality that no human actually experiences. So as inspired as we get by seeing a strategically placed "The Future is Female" sign in a post about how an easy-to-buy $450 sundress is great for a casual brunch, now seems like a good time to remind you that New York City has a massive housing crisis. Nice rose gold detailing in this place, though!

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It's also the perfect tie-in for influencers with marketing deals for burn salve.

It looks pretty cool, and it's hashtag-friendly. But when it's not done right, it becomes the Oh God, We Need To Immediately Find The Nearest Hospital Challenge. At least eight people have discovered this after they accidentally splashed boiling water on themselves or loved ones. Patients ranging in age from 53 to, ugh, three have been treated for burns on their hands, arms, faces, and feet. Sometimes a gust of wind comes out of nowhere, sometimes an unsupervised child wanders too close, and sometimes people who feel the need to throw boiling water into the air for social media attention have the sort of general ineptitude that you'd expect.

#Scalding, #BurnWard, and #AAAHHHHH seem notably absent.

So as great as it might be for your brand to remind your followers of elementary school science, emergency room doctors who definitely have better things to do with their time are encouraging people to not throw boiling water around, even though their favorite influencer made it look neat. Besides, you also have far more important things to do, like continuing your crucial Read Cracked Challenge.

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A week before the tour launched, and long after the tickets were sold, Calloway was still looking for venues. On Day 1 of the tour in New York City, she abruptly cancelled promises of food and handwritten keepsakes. Then she announced that the seminars scheduled for other cities would also be in NYC. Ticketholders would just have to pony up for airfare on short notice. It was painfully obvious that she didn't want to pay to fly to cities she hadn't secured venues in, but her stated reasoning was that everyone told her the NYC venue was "perfect," and she now couldn't imagine holding her workshop anywhere else, which was technically true.

And the saddest detail of all, somehow, is that she promised every attendee an orchid "crown," then only produced a single flower that people could clip in their hair for selfie ... before returning for the next person to use.

The rest of the non-touring tour shockingly ended up being canceled. It's difficult to tell how much was a scam and how much was born from Calloway's extremely Instagram-friendly attitude of believing that good intentions and the right attitude can accomplish anything right up until any work is involved. But either way, hundreds of hopeful young women were taken advantage of, while Calloway got to write the whole thing off as a proud learning experience. You can't let the haters drag you down with cruel comments like "Hey, maybe learn to plan events?"

This is far from the only scam that Instagram's "Believe in yourself to the point of denying reality" mantra has produced. Aggie Lal, who has 884,000 followers, charged $500 for a 12-week online "Master Class" in social media. She tried to recruit students to sell the class like it was a pyramid scheme, and then she stopped releasing content, claiming she had bad WiFi access while still uploading to her Instagram page. Then, after having made an estimated $225,000, she tried to screw people out of refunds.

Somehow "Grab the suckers' money and never let go" failed to make the list.

Lal eventually offered a half-assed apology, but like Calloway, she presented herself as the real victim who was being cruelly punished for her ambition. Don't the naysayers with their boring, risk-free worldview of "Deliver what you promised" know what it's like to gamble on an incredible vision? Failing spectacularly on Instagram gets you the same money with less effort and arguably more free attention, so the odd scam is just good business.

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One Rhodes Scholar sent the touching message "My heart with them Malibu <3 :(" while also working in #sixpack and #vacation.

Raline Shah sent her 5.9 million followers "Sad to hear about the fires in Malibu and praying for safety and strength for the firefighters battling it out there. We never know what life brings us and every happy moment is a blessing in itself" with a picture that looks like it should be accompanied by "Have a GR8 spring break!!"

115,000 likes. More than a hundred thousand people thought this was a fitting tribute. Looking good, humanity.

Fabfitfunnygirl, failing to demonstrate at least two of those traits, took the opportunity to pitch her shitty overpriced protein shakes, which are sold by a multilevel marketing pyramid scheme. What a touching half-assed charitable effort that happened to be announced by a glamour shot of the product.

Don't make the mistake of being impressed by the donation, either. The alleged $300 value didn't garner a single bid.

Kimberly Williams-Paisley, an "advocate," sent love and prayers while offering baby's first observations on anxiety, because nothing helps you get over the loss of your home or livelihood like briefly meditating in the backyard that you no longer have.

We couldn't check the edit history, but we assume the original caption was "Napping in the yard."

And finally, one model, taking advantage of the fact that Malibu was trending as a geotag, simply posted a pinup shot. Hey, "Malibu" and "hot" were showing great metrics; surely no further investigation was needed.

"I wanted the viewers, but '#PAYATTENTIONTOME!' seemed a little too direct."

There were so many more, each stupider than the last. The Instagram economy is built around getting free marketing by somehow working your way into whatever's trending, no matter how unrelated. And when your entire career is built around awkwardly shoving yourself into every possible moment, you either forget to turn it off or you no longer even see why you'd need to. And so people looking for information on the wildfires were met with a mix of brutal devastation and influencers showing off their glamorous lifestyles. This is a dystopia far stupider than any science fiction writer could have ever predicted.

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This seems like a lot of backstory for someone we always assumed was conceived in a focus group.

That clip was followed by the message "Connect With Kendall" and a date. Wow, what she going to talk about? Bullying? Mental health? Charity? Whatever it was, her own mother was telling the world that she was being "brave and vulnerable," and that her "raw story" would have a "positive impact" on countless others.

The reveal continued to be built up over the following days. Fans would be "moved," and there were vague hashtags like #changetheconversation, #authenticity, #shareyourstory, and #bethechange. Speculation grew. Was Jenner coming out about an eating disorder? About her sexuality? About a sexual assault? Holy shit, had Kendall Jenner solved the Israel-Palestine conflict?

And then finally, the big day came. Jenner was ... the new face of ProActiv, because their products supposedly helped clear up acne in her youth. Clearly a few zits would render Kendall Jenner an unspeakable monster fit only for having rotten vegetables thrown at her by jeering villagers, so what's more inspirational than shilling for an acne cream that's twice as expensive as other products with the same basic shit in it?

Literal revolutions have been prompted by less arrogance. Have fun following whoever you want, but always remember that lifelong fame breaks your brain in weird ways, and most influencers would happily run you over with their sponsored cars if they thought it would gain them more followers than they lost. Anyway, don't forget to like and subscribe to Cracked!

Mark wrote a book and is inspirational on Twitter.

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