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29 Terrible Old-Timey Toys That Kids Must Have Absolutely Hated

By:: Brian C. Miller; Cracked Writers

August 02, 2023

29 Terrible Old-Timey Toys That Kids Must Have Absolutely Hated

How hard can it be to make a decent toy for a child? While we’re sure that there are some unexpected nuances to the job, it has to be truly difficult to make an awful toy for children. Seriously, just take something that kids like, shrink it down to fit in a kid’s stubby little hands, ensure that it’s not an accidental murder machine, and boom, throw it in a box and ship it off to stores (or wherever people buy toys nowadays).

But as easy as it sounds, the people below missed the memo. Somewhere in that pretty straightforward process, things broke down. Maybe it was dangerous, maybe it was culturally insensitive or maybe it was just something no kid could possibly want to play with. Whatever the case, it’s all here.

29 Build-a-Home

BUILD-A-HOME & SUBDIVION SET Kenner's GIRDER & PANEL Sel No.16 BUILD-A-HOME & SUBDIVISION SET DESIGN and BUILD o GREAT VARIETY of DIFFERENT BEAUTIFUL HOMES Construct subdivisions with os many as six houses at o time سله Receipt Mutelle بالمملكة - Community Centers Union - Hamelo - adidas Clubs - - - - - - IT'S FUN... IT'S EASY! Beld of GORDERS and JOESTS - the de member GRACKED.COM - - - the Well and اورة PANILS - WT - Permit - - - - - - - - The owner may be liable for bodily injury or death that arises out — Source: 21 Vintage Toys That Absolutely Ruined Christmas

28 Premature Cabbage Patch Kids

CRACKED COM WHAT'S CUDDLIER THAN A BABY? A PREMATURE BABY! In a misguided attempt at... well, something, Coleco released preemie Cabbage Patch Kids in the 1980s. The preemies were smaller and had less hair that the regular dolls. Not included were the incubator and tubes required to keep real prematures babies alive, as that could have made them less adorable. — Source: These 18 Ill-Conceived Toys Are An Embarrassment To Humanity

27 Oreo Barbie

CRACKED.COM OREO BARBIE DIDN'T LAST LONG ON THE SHELVES. Oreo Barbie, born in 1997 from a cross-promotional partnership between Mattel and Nabisco, came in both white and black versions. You can tell every person involved was white because nobody knew that MA Oreo is a derogatory OREO term in the African American community for a black person who is ORE white on the inside. — Source: These 18 Ill-Conceived Toys Are An Embarrassment To Humanity

26 Spirit

CRACKED COM SPIRIT WAS A JUMBLE OF STEREOTYPES IN THE SHAPE OF AN ACTION FIGURE. Everything about G.I. Joe figure Spirit was a Native American stereotype, starting with his name: Charlie Iron-Knife. His card file described him as a tracker, a shaman, and a mystic warrior. Не also had an American eagle, because we know every Native American is issued one of those. — Source: These 18 Ill-Conceived Toys Are An Embarrassment To Humanity

25 Chest Wig

CHEST WIG THE FOR THAT MACHO SELF ADHESIVE LOOK! CHEST WIG CRACKED.COM MADE IN ENGLAND Stick that thatch anywhere you want to jumpstart puberty. — Source: 21 Vintage Toys That Absolutely Ruined Christmas

24 Fist Faces

FIST FACES YOUR FIST BECOMES A REAL FACE MOVES S-WIGGLES N TWITCHES CONTAINS: WIG-1KERCHIEF F4 FACES Fist Faces FUNNY FACE TOY 4 FACES - WIS - KERCHIEF MOUTH COLOR FOR HOURS OF PLAY E FUN CRACKED.COM REMCO The second most fun you can have playing with your fist. — Source: 21 Vintage Toys That Absolutely Ruined Christmas

23 Atomic Energy Lab

ATOMIC ENERGY LAB GILBERT physics - ... ATOMIC ENERGY LAB PERFORME DMIN 150 - بهد - - - - - - . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - available - - - - Epecting! Safe! - GILBERT VALL DE SCIENCE .... CRACKED.COM SILBERT CLOUD CHAMPIER Did the Atomic Energy Lab come with actual uranium? Why, yes. Yes, it did. — Source: 21 Vintage Toys That Absolutely Ruined Christmas

22 Butcher Playset

BUTCHER PLAYSET GRACKED.COM The trouble started when Jeffrey asked if we could pretend to disembowl a hog. — Source: 21 Vintage Toys That Absolutely Ruined Christmas

21 Baby Princess Diana

CRACKED COM BABY PRINCESS DIANA WILL HAUNT YOU. Ashton-Drake Galleries makes creepy realistic baby dolls for adults to treat like real infants. Not disturbing enough for you? How about a replica of a beloved dead princess when she was a baby? — Source: These 18 Ill-Conceived Toys Are An Embarrassment To Humanity

20 Disney Princess Plastic Racing Trike

CRACKED.COM THIS TRICYCLE WAS THE MOST OBVIOUS RECALL EVER. The Disney Princess Plastic Racing Trike brings a fantasy kingdom close to your children. So close, in fact, they risk getting it impaled in their little skulls. One sudden stop is all it takes. To no one's surprise, this murdercycle was recalled in 2011. — Source: These 18 Ill-Conceived Toys Are An Embarrassment To Humanity

19 "Ravishing Reporter"

CRACKED.COM APRIL O'NEIL WILL SHOW YOU A GOOD TIME. Hey, do you remember that episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles where April was a streetwalker? Neither do we, but that didn't stop Playmates Toys from releasing this Ravishing Reporter action figure, complete with detachable skirt. — Source: These 18 Ill-Conceived Toys Are An Embarrassment To Humanity

18 Fun With Sticks

FUN WITH STICKS FUN with AGES 81014 crafts by whiting M - STICKS 2 EXCITING PROJECTS Here are two wonderful projects! A cute little dog house, and picnic table and bench set. Complete mate- rials include pre-cut cardboard sticks, adhesive, and easy to follow instruc- tions CRACKED.COM UNASSEMBLED Throw 'em. Chew 'em. Stick 'em in your eye. — Source: 21 Vintage Toys That Absolutely Ruined Christmas

17 Hulk Utility Belt

HULK UTILITY BELT FOR - HAM The - THE INCREDIBLE REMCO HULK UTILITY BELT HULK was KINGS CRACKED COM UTILITY BELT-GAMMA RADIATION DETECTOR-HULK WREST GAUNTLETS HULK VOICE MODULATOR Even the picture on the freaking box knows the Hulk doesn't wear a belt. — Source: 21 Vintage Toys That Absolutely Ruined Christmas

16 Wind-Up Floor Buffer

WIND-UP FLOOR BUFFER GEE WHIZ, IT WORKS! Wind-up R por Buffer World's Smallest Wind и and Running Appliance polishers spin around Switch turns Authentic details it off and on Needs DO battery Control Since Ports galoob Not P chickenunder 3 CRACKED.COM Honey, when you're finished 'playing' in the kitchen, be a dear and do the foyer. — Source: 21 Vintage Toys That Absolutely Ruined Christmas

15 Dentist Kit

DENNIS THE MENACE DENTIST KIT Ipana Dennis the Menace CRACKED.COM Hypodermic needle? Check. Forceps? Check. Nightmares? Check. — Source: 21 Vintage Toys That Absolutely Ruined Christmas

14 Toy Stripper Pole

CRACKED.COM IT'S A STRIPPER POLE! FOR PRETEENS! peekabo Pole Date This toy stripper pole, complete with a garter and money to stuff into it, could be found in 2006 in the British grocery store chain Tesco. They denied the pole was marketed to children, despite the fact that it was exhibited in the - toy section and advertised boo I I as suitable for 11-year-olds. — Source: These 18 Ill-Conceived Toys Are An Embarrassment To Humanity

13 GOD JESUS

CRACKED COM GOD JESUS WILL ANSWER YOUR PRAYERS! GOD JESUS - SWOK - - Sorry you had to find out this way, but the deity many of you pray to is a Japanese robot made by Bandai in the '80s. It works like some kind of divine Magic 8-Ball, though, SO you can rest assured your existential questions will all be answered. — Source: These 18 Ill-Conceived Toys Are An Embarrassment To Humanity

12 Communist Dictator Hiking Set

CRACKED G COM YOU CAN GO HIKING WITH KARL MARX AND HIS FRIENDS! MOUNTAIN RESEARCH Japanese toy maker Mountain Research released a foursome of surveyors modeled after Karl Marx, Vladimir Lenin, Mao Zedong, and Henry David Thoreau. There's no indication as to why two Communist dictators, the philosopher who inspired them, and an unrelated poet guy are hiking mountain trails. — Source: These 18 Ill-Conceived Toys Are An Embarrassment To Humanity

11 Krimson Terror

KRIMSON TERROR the EDIDUERG line CRACKED.COM KRIMSON TORROR PLANNIC MONSTER CONSTRUCTION KIT The make-your-own monster with the three-handed crotch. — Source: 21 Vintage Toys That Absolutely Ruined Christmas

10 Jackie Gleason Bus Driver's Outfit

JACKIE GLEASON BUS DRIVER'S OUTFIT m-m-m what Boy a toy! Jackie Gleason BUS DRIVER'S OUTFIT - in TV - IL Brow - - ... - CRACKED.COM Make change! Switch lanes without warning! Pull away from old women running in the rain! — Source: 21 Vintage Toys That Absolutely Ruined Christmas

9 Luscious Limbs

LUSCIOUS LIMBS Luscious Limbs Foad on FINES - with delicious parta of the Avely KAY A LIVELY LUNCH OF LIMITS Noorkieg! your rising with water mold and اليوم CRACKED.COM - Ever wanted to gnaw off your own foot? Now you can! — Source: 21 Vintage Toys That Absolutely Ruined Christmas

8 Laverne & Shirley Secretary Set

LAVERNE & SHIRLEY SECRETARY SET GAITION to - - - I man 12 kg 79e HARRONY - You Laverno TV SERIES Shirley TM secretary set - 12345678 ANIZEEEE for CRACKED.COM 1/11/11 - - - AA UNE PERFORM - NOLLOS NY THAT MADE - NONG KONG Laverne and Shirley worked at a brewery, which would have made an infinitely more fun play set. — Source: 21 Vintage Toys That Absolutely Ruined Christmas

7 Easy-Bake Oven

CRACKED.COM Easy Bake STATO FINGERS ARE EASY TO BURN WITH THE 18/88 EASY-BAKE. For decades, the Easy-Bake Oven has allowed countless children to bake delicious, diabetes- inducing treats. And fingers. In 2007, the Consumer Product Safety Commission announced a huge recall after dozens of incidents of burned fingers, including some second-and third-degree burns. — Source: These 18 Ill-Conceived Toys Are An Embarrassment To Humanity

6 Bratz Babyz

CRACKED.COM BRATZ BABYZ SHOW YOU'RE NEVER TOO YOUNG TO BE A MINX. - in These dolls went through the whole process of being conceived, designed, pitched, approved, manufactured, and distributed, and apparently no one along the line thought of saying, You know, maybe we really shouldn't sexualize babies. — Source: These 18 Ill-Conceived Toys Are An Embarrassment To Humanity

5 Amazonia Barbie

AMAZONIA BARBIE WOULD FEEL LOST IN THE ACTUAL AMAZON. You'd have to travel the Amazon for years to find the one person Amazonia Barbie was inspired by, and it'd probably be some tourist deluded that they' 're blending with the local culture. From the feathers atop her hair to her tribal tattoos, this Barbie looks conceived by people who think that South America is some mythical land. CRACKED COM — Source: These 18 Ill-Conceived Toys Are An Embarrassment To Humanity

4 Poke-a-Bone

POKE-A-BONE Poke-A-Bone WHAM-O mest TM CAN YOU DO IT? Try'n catch ALL THE BONES CRACKED.COM STOCK No TDE A FUN - SKILL MAMEI The FCC fined Howard Stern for less than this. — Source: 21 Vintage Toys That Absolutely Ruined Christmas

3 Pinky Lee Medicine Chest

PINKY LEE MEDICINE CHEST BAND-AD - - IVORY. Pinky Lee TOY medicine CHORAGNED.COM THE GOOD HABIT TOY Learn Pinky Lee's secret shames, then refill all the good prescriptions. — Source: 21 Vintage Toys That Absolutely Ruined Christmas

2 My Puppy Puddles

MY PUPPY PUDDLES ROMPER ROOM My Puppy PUDDLES Squeeze PUDDLES' collar & make him drink his water. Sit him on his training troy. My Puppy PUDDLES only puddles where he oughtal CRACKED.COM My Puppy PUDDLES only puddles in his training trou. Ranked number one among toys with bladder infections. — Source: 21 Vintage Toys That Absolutely Ruined Christmas

1 Pat Boone Cut-Outs

PAT BOONE CUT-OUTS the Pat - Boone - CRACKED.COM CUT-OUTS the - on AK TY Port Amer Doe Vision - - - - - - - Ever wonder what Pat would look like in go-go boots and a push-up bra? Here's your chance. — Source: 21 Vintage Toys That Absolutely Ruined Christmas

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