You're a young tyke and it is your birthday. You sit down with a pile of presents after eating your favorite food with your friends and got a sugar rush from the cake you all shared. You're five years old. You've grown more mature. You've grown wiser. You're super excited to see what kind of new toys you'll get to play with now that you're getting ready for kindergarten at the big kid school next year. 

You open the gift from Gram-Gram. You hope it's that robot you wanted or maybe Optimus Prime. It's robotish enough. Once the whirlwind of wrapping paper settles you see it. It is a robot. A JESUS ROBOT. You cry. Then are forced by your mom to thank Gram-Gram, even though mom is also creeped out by it.

There have been several toys that were conceived and made that were… well, big choices. Here are some of the cringiest ones.

Stripper Pole

CRACKEDCON POLE! IT'S A STRIPPER FOR PRETEENS! pee kabo Poe This toy stripper pole, complete with a garter and money to stuff into it, could be found

Oreo Barbie

CRACKED co DIDN'T LAST BARBIE OREO THE SHELVES. LONG ON Oreo Barbie, born in 1997 from a cross- ss-promotional partnership between Mattel and Nabisco,

Plagues of Egypt toys

CRACKEDCON TO PLAY WANTED YOU ALWAYS OF EGYPT. THE PLAGUES IT. WITH DON'T DENY und 23erH oDesD PLAGUES befohl auget atent, borgen de If anything is ri

G.I. Joe: Spirit action figure

OF A JUMBLE SPIRIT WAS SHAPE IN THE STEREOTYPES FIGURE. OF AN ACTION Everything about G.I. Joe figure Spirit was a Native American stereotype, startin

Cabbage Patch Kids Preemies

CRACKEDCON THAN A CUDDLIER WHAT'S BABY? A PREMATURE BABY! In a misguided attempt at... well, something, Coleco released preemie Cabbage Patch Kids in

Baby Princess Diana doll

CRACKEDCO BABY PRINCESS DIANA WILL HAUNT YOU. Ashton-Drake Galleries makes creepy realistic baby dolls for adults to treat like real infants. Not dist

Disney Princess Plastic Racing Trike

CRACKEDCON MOST WAS THE THIS TRICYCLE EVER. RECALL OBVIOUS The Disney Princess Plastic Racing Trike brings a fantasy kingdom close to your children. S

Jesus action figure

CRACKEDCON KING IS TRULY JESUS OF KITSCH. Who knew Jesus was SO kick-ass at such a variety of activities? And the crown of thorns doesn't seem to both

April O'neil doll

CRACKEDGO O'NEIL WILL SHOW APRIL GOOD TIME. YOU A Hey, do you remember that episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles where April was a streetwalker? Ne

Pink Ribbon Barbie

PINK RIBBON wrer BARBIE HOW SHOWED GLAMOROUS CANCER CANCER CAN BE. In 2006, Mattel wanted to honor breast cancer survivors with their Pink Ribbon Barb

God Jesus

CRACKED CO JESUS WILL ANSWER GOD YOUR PRAYERS! GOD*JESUS SL1O2K 1e-ez $03 GACIi Sorry you had to find out this way, but the deity many of you pray to

Karl Marx and friends action figures

CRACKED cO GO HIKING WITH KARL YOU CAN AND HIS FRIENDS! MARX OuNAY Japanese toy maker Mountain Research released a foursome of surveyors modeled after

Amazonia Barbie

AMAZONIA WOULD BARBIE LOST IN FEEL THE ACTUAL AMAZON. You'd have to travel the Amazon for years to find the one person Amazonia Barbie was inspired by

Bratz Babyz

BABYZ BRATZ TOO YOUNG YOU'RE NEVER MINX. TO BE A These dolls went through the whole process of being conceived, designed, pitched, ap

Easy-bake Oven

EasyBake ARE uD FINGERS BURN EASY TO WITH THE EASY-BAKE. For decades, the Easy-Bake Oven has allowed countless children to bake delicious, diabetes- i

Lawn darts

CRACKED cO TO IT DEAD CHILDREN TOOK DARTS. BAN LAWN Cootais: JAVELIN DARTS- 2 TARGET CIRCLES HASBRO JAVELIN DARTS If you're going, What the hell were

Barack Obama sock monkey

AS A MONKEY? A BLACK PERSON ADORABLE! SAID. SOMEBODY EVER OBJECT. WILL NO ONE A sock monkey representing Barack Obama was released by a Utah-based

Pee & Poo Plushies

PEEAPOO PLUSHIES SWEDISH SH*T OUT THE WILL CONFUSE OF YOUR CHILDREN. Pec&poo There's making toilet training fun, and there's encouraging your toddlers

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