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14 Counterintuitive Historical Facts That Our Brains Refuse To Absorb

July 22, 2021

Contrary to what your school classroom experiences would lead you to believe, history is NOT boring. Sure, memorizing dates, names, events, battles, and such can be dull and feel more like math than a look in mankind's past, but there is some crazy stuff out there that your teachers failed to put on their lesson plan. We here at Cracked plan to change all of that.

Like we all knew the massive casualties and tragedy from the Battle of Waterloo, but did your teacher tell you how it benefitted the dental industry at the time? Or how Mary Shelley was so goth that she not only wrote Frankenstein but carried around her dead husband's heart? Or that Saddam Hussein's biggest fans might be from Detroit, Michigan?

The world is insane and it's stupid that not enough people know that. Here are a few factoids from history that your mind will have trouble accepting as truth.

14

A Pope may have caused the Plague. CRACKED.COM Pope Gregory IX ordered a mass extermination of cats in the 13th century, because he was pretty sure Satan was inhabiting them like some kind of evil Uber. Some historians think this caused the rat population to explode, paving the way for the flea-bearing rodents to spread the Black Death around the world. — Source: Chicago Tribune

13

Andrew Jackson's pottymouthed parrot had to be escorted from his funeral. CRACKED.COM Someone thought it was a good idea to invite Jackson's parrot to his funeral. The bird got SO worked up being around SO many people that it started randomly screeching its lexicon, which included many a swear word. — Source: Presidential Pet Museum

12

Lenin

A car dealership tried to buy Lenin's corpse CRACKED.COM In 1991, Moscow had to issue a press release stating that, no, they weren't trying to raise money by selling Lenin's body. Forbes had run a satyrical piece making the claim, then ABC News reported it as fact, causing tons of serious inquiries to flood in from the US -- including one from a car dealership looking for a gimmick. — Source: 6 Historical Hoaxes That Are Too Stupid Even For 2017

11

Jeff Bezos probably isn't richer than Augustus Caesar. CRACKED.COM It's often said that billionaire Bezos is the richest human ever to walk the planet. However, adjusted for inflation, several historical hoarders were probably trillionaires. Explains why Caesar could afford to get plugs. — Source: BBC

10

The Italian church said forks were a tool of the debil. CRACKED.COM When forks made their way to Italy in the 11th century, rich people started collecting them, but the church insisted that actually using them was an affront to God. Man was meant to twirl his spaghetti, ostensibly, by jabbing his fingers into the bowl and walking circles around the table. — Source: Ancient Pages

9

The Book of the Dead contains a chain letter. cl were Divis CRACKED.COM The book insists that anyone who copies one particular image shall find it of great benefit to him both in heaven and on earth. Furthermore, any man who knows not this picture shall never be able to repulse the serpent Neha-hra. — Source: Smithsonian

8

Hitler's reputation was tarnished by a GIF. CRACKED.COM A photographer snapped a series of pics of Hitler looking very goofy on a very serious occasion. A Scottish filmmaker cut them together to make him look like the Chancellor of the Department of Silly Walks. This went as viral as a GIF could in 1940, uniting many of the Allies in mocking this monumental doofus. — Source: 6 Historical Hoaxes That Are Too Stupid Even For 2017

7

The Battle of Waterloo

The Battle of Waterloo was a windfall for the denture industry. CRACKED.COM Dentures were often made from dead people's real teeth - often soldiers, specifically. Sadly, the Battle of Waterloo produced about 50,000 dead soldiers. Some chomper mogul saw piles of dead young men and said Hey! Free teeth! — Source: BBC

6

Thomas Jefferson had to campaign on an I'm not dead yet platform. CRACKED.COM Right around the 4th of July in 1800, newspapers started reporting that Thomas Jefferson was dead. It was most likely a plot by his Federalist rivals to stymie his political support, with one rag even reporting some compassionate being very humanely killed Mr. Jefferson. — Source: 6 Historical Hoaxes That Are Too Stupid Even For 2017

5

Saddam Hussein

Detroit gave Saddam Hussein the key to the city. CRACKED.COM The newly minted President of Iraq threw a whole ton of cash at a Detroit church when its reverend simply publicly congratulated him on his electoral victory. That reverend made the understatement of the century, when asked in 2003 what's going on with his Iraqi bro: Money and power changed the person. — Source: CBS News

4

Alexander the Great may have been buried alive because of his divinity. CRACKED.COM After his apparent death, his body didn't decompose for 6 days. Everyone at the time just said that's immortal Alexander for ya! and went ahead and buried him. Some specialists now think he may have actually suffered from Guillain-Barre Syndrome, a neurological disorder that causes paralysis. — Source: Smithsonian

3

Henry VIII and Francis I threw the most expensive mixer in history. CRACKED.COM In 1520, the two kings threw a joint party that wound up being an 18-day d*ck measuring contest. They each one-upped each other in lavishness until they'd burnt about $19 million in today's money. No word on who had the bigger duck. — Source: Smithsonian

2

Andrew Jackson's wife was slandered to death. CRACKED.COM Due to an oversight, Rachel Donelson was technically still married when she hooked up with Jackson. His political enemies latched onto that, with one newspaper asking Ought a convicted adulteress and her paramour husband to be placed in the highest offices of this free and Christian land? She grew depressed and died of a heart attack. — Source: 6 Historical Hoaxes That Are Too Stupid Even For 2017

1

The author of Frankenstein carried around a spare heart. CRACKED.COM It's no secret that Mary Shelley was a li'l freak, having lost her virginity on her own mother's grave. But she'd maintain that goth streak to her own grave, even toting around her late husband's heart from the time of his death until her own. — Source: MentalFloss

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