15 Dogs Immortalized in Statue Form — An Honor That Will Never Be Bestowed Upon You
It’s possible the only thing better than being commemorated forever by a statue proclaiming your greatness is being able to lick your own genitals. Some dogs have all the luck…
The world is peppered with statues commemorating dogs — heroic ones, endlessly loyal ones, dogs of all shapes and sizes, every one of them a good, good dog that deserves a tummy rub and a great big bone (not like that, you sicko).
It does put things into perspective. There are dogs on this list who couldn’t read, had no money, put nothing into a 401(k) and generally went through life dragging their wormy assholes across the floor, sniffing their friends’ dicks and eating whatever vomit they found, and they still achieved more than most of us could ever dream of.
Edinburgh: The Terrier Who Was Loyal Beyond Death, STOP CRYING
Greyfriars Bobby was a Skye terrier belonging to Edinburgh night watchman John Gray. When Gray died, Bobby stood guard over his grave for 14 years until he died, like that heartbreaking episode of Futurama.
Montrose, Scotland: The Morale-Boosting Mutt WHO’S SO GOOD, YOU’RE SO GOOD
Bamse was a St. Bernard that became a symbol of Norwegian freedom during World War II. He once pulled a drowning crew member out of the sea, and attacked a knife-wielding assailant. He would also catch buses on his own.
Beddgelert, Wales: The Dog That Did Its Best and Got Punished NO TEARS, STOP THE TEARS
Legend says Prince Llywelyn of Wales found his baby’s crib overturned and his dog, Gelert, covered in blood. He killed Gelert, then heard crying — his baby was safe. Gelert had protected it from a wolf. Llywelyn never smiled again. Good.
Brussels, Belgium: The Pissing Dog That Represents All Pissing Dogs NOT ON THE CARPET OH FUCKING HELL
A recent accompaniment to more famous pissing statues (Europeans, they love it), Brussels-based sculptor Tom Frantzen made a dog statue based on his own pet. The statue was hit by a car — just like a real dog! — before being restored.
Silverton, Oregon: The Dog Who Made an Incredible Journey WELL DONE GOOD BOY
In 1923, the Brazier family traveled with their dog Bobbie from Oregon to Indiana. Stopping during the route, Bobbie got attacked and fled. The Braziers couldn’t find him, but six months later he showed up, having traveled 2,500 miles to come home.
Washington, D.C.: The Hound That Cost Taxpayers a Fortune, BAD DOG, NO YOU’RE OKAY
Fala, a Scottish terrier, belonged to Franklin D. Roosevelt and traveled everywhere with him. On one occasion he was left on the Aleutian Islands. FDR was accused of sending a Navy destroyer to get him, paid for by the public.
Sydney, Australia: The Dog That Cheered Up the Miserable Monarch HERE HAVE A BISCUIT
Queen Victoria spent 40 years in mourning after her husband died. But for a while she had a dog, Islay, a cairn terrier who she loved. Islay died after, pathetically, a fight with a cat.
Maharashtra, India: The Dog So Loyal It Jumped on a Fire NO DON’T DO THAT YOU STUPID FU—
In 1680, when the king Chhatrapati Shivaji Maharaj died, his faithful mongrel Waghya was so upset that he jumped into Shivaji’s funeral pyre. That’s not a nice story at all. That’s really horrible.
Manaia, New Zealand: The Tiny Terrier Who Saved Some Kids WHAT IS THIS WATER SPILLING FROM THESE EYES
George, a Jack Russell, intervened when two pitbulls began attacking children in New Zealand. While he successfully protected the kids, he was injured in the incident and had to be put down. So were the pitbulls, but fuck them.
Shibuya, Japan: The Dog Who Just Wanted to Welcome His Master Home CEASE THIS WEEPING
Hachiko was an Akita who would walk to the station with his professor owner every morning and meet him at the train at night. When the professor died, Hachiko turned up at the station for another 10 years.
Gander, Canada: The Warrior Who Gave His Life WHAT A LOVELY HAIRY HERO
A Newfoundland called Sergeant Gander was part of the Battle of Hong Kong, the day after Pearl Harbor. He saved several injured Canadian soldiers by picking up a grenade thrown by the Japanese and running it — fatally — back to them.
Juneau, Alaska: The Furry Welcoming Committee YES YOU ARE, YES YOU ARE
Patsy Ann was a deaf bull terrier who roamed the streets of Juneau. She became known as the “official greeter” of Juneau, running to welcome any ship that showed up. When she died, she was buried at sea.
Strathraven, Scotland: The Life-Saving Hound Who Ignored Bombs WELL DONE WELL DONE YOU’RE SO CUTE
During a bombing raid in the Battle of the Sheldt in World War II, Lance Corporal Jimmy Muldoon was dragged under the sea by his heavy pack. Khan, his German Shepherd, came to his rescue and dragged him to shore.
New York: The Sled Dog Who Saved Children from Disease WHAT A GOOD BOY
Balto was a husky who led a team of dogs 674 miles through a blizzard from Anchorage to Nome, Alaska to deliver diphtheria medicine to sick kids. Balto was at the unveiling of his own statue, like a true star.
Moscow, Russia: The Space Explorer Who Deserved Better YOU’RE SUCH A GOOD GIRL
Laika was the first dog in space, launched up there in 1957 aboard Sputnik 2. However, it was always to be a one-way mission — the engineers hadn’t worked out how to return it from orbit. NOOOOOO NO NO NO NO.