Cracked Archive - News
The news media's primary motivation these days is clearly to drum up sales of emergency apocalypse supplies.
Judging from the news, the world is like a disaster movie, only without the last few scenes where everybody escapes.
Staying on top of the news is like trying to follow the plot of Kevin Spacey's serial killer notebooks in 'Se7en.'
When disaster strikes, there are plenty of ways you can respond without being a massive tool. But that's not what these heroes decided to do.
- By Jason Iannone
Staying on top of current events is like trying to drink from a fire hose, only instead of a hydrant it's hooked up to a sewer line.
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The news reads like a very long PSA on why civilization was a bad idea.
Staying on top of current events is like trying to keep an accurate count of the wolves who are currently chasing you through the woods.
Judging from the news, the cabal of powerful people who secretly run the world have all dropped a shitload of acid recently.
If you take a moment to stop actively focusing on the negative, it's easy to see that, despite our collective insistence to the contrary, the world as a whole is chugging along towards a better place.
The world makes about as much sense as the plot of your average late-night Cinemax porno, one watched with the sound off so your Mom doesn't hear.
- By T. S. Obiech
Watching the news is a lot like watching the new season of 'True Detective,' only with even more angst and ridiculous mustaches.
Judging by the news, the world is kind of like Jurassic Park, only if the dinosaurs were in charge of security.
No reasonable person can be expected to keep up with every important headline while maintaining their sanity. So we're here to help.
Breaking an important story is such an all-encompassing dream that some reporters won't even think twice about flat-out lying to get that extremely uncomfortable Jacuzzi full of Pulitzer Prizes they all so desperately crave.
- By Adam Wears