Hey, Starbucks, We Branded Your New Drink For You

There are those of you who might not give one ounce of cold-brewed shit that Starbucks just released a new beverage in sync with the reopening of 85% of their company-operated stores. There are even those of you who find Starbuck's rampant promotion of new drinks around any type of holiday or shared cultural event to be so exploitative and transparent as to start to become amusing. It's a wonder, you may think, that Starbucks didn't brand this new drink after the coronavirus.

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But, they might as well have because seemingly every blog in America can't wait to find out if this "new Starbucks' pink drink is about to become the beverage of summer 2020." This strange ritual of obsessing over Starbucks products feels so out of place right now that it's become hilarious. Does the concept of summer as we know it even exist right now? Who cares? The S'mores Frappuccino is back, bay-bee! Everything is normal! Everything is fine! Let's drink our blended coffees until the sugar, and "good vibes" coursing through our systems leave us two caffeinated sips away from a coronary!

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Frankly, Starbucks, I think you might as well put your proverbial beans up on the table. The Iced Guava Passionfruit drink practically looks like cough medicine over ice. You're not fooling anyone, so just lean in. Call it a COVID-COOLER. You can add a shot of espresso and then make it a Coronaccino. Sure, guava passion fruit coffee doesn't sound too appetizing, but we're Mad Men here, baby! Other diseases kill you. The Coronaccino is toasted. (Or chilled. Whatever copy lends itself best.)

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Market it as seasonal like the Pumpkin Spiced Latte. COVID-19 will likely be seasonal anyway, so throw you're guaranteed a windfall with every coughing fit. Just imagine the cash when, years from now, COVID-19 is still running rampant through our country, but now carries years of brand association after being marketed with Starbucks. Sure the first snow might make people reach for a Starbucks' Peppermint Mocha, but nothing will beat the summertime when people instinctually line up outside your doors (6-feet apart of course) begging for "a COVID-COOLER, hold the sneezes." Don't worry about thanking us, Starbucks. Your consultation fee is in the mail.

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