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Dear Kristen Wiig,
Enough games. Let's stop playing around, avoiding the issue and hiding behind our various defense mechanisms. I'm taking down the walls, Kristen Wiig, and lowering the mask. I'm putting all of my cards on the table. Just look at all those sexy cards.
Will you marry me?
I know. You're shocked. I'm a little shocked, too. I mean, I never expected us to fall in love. I assumed I'd stay a notorious internet bachelor for the rest of my days, spending my time caught up in an erotic, naked whirlwind of supermodels and corndogs. That was before you, Kristen Wiig. When you were just in TV and Movies, I thought, you were off limits. But then you stepped onto the my turf, (the internet), with your delightful new
web series, and I can only assume it's because you wanted to be closer to me.
All you had to do was ask, Kristen.
Like most people, I stopped watching SNL once Horatio Sans left, but thank
God I decided to check it out again on a whim. If I didn't, I'd have missed you, Kristen Wiig, and I think we both know just how devastating that would've been. Between your hilarious, all-too-real SNL characters, your scene-stealing performances in a lot of recent hit movies, and your frequent award-winning appearances in my dreams, I've fallen nuts-over-balls in love with you, Kristen Wiig, and I don't think it's presumptuous of me to say that the feeling is mutual.