Due to events far too complex too go into, I've had a Wii and full library of games at my house for some months, something I wouldn't normally be able to afford. And it's been pleasant. There's a minigame in Mario Party where you shake a can of soda, and playing it is exactly like the very end of masturbating. I'm good at that one. Also soccer.
But this Wii Fit shit has officially crossed the line. Not just because playing it makes you look retarded; I played Dance Dance Revolution and collected pogs (and made my own pogs), so I can’t really take the high ground there. The thing about Wii Fit that I can’t stand is that it’s depriving a whole generation of kids a classic rite of passage: ogling the women in workout tapes.
Personally, I work out with
The Firm. I said it, and I’ll say it again: The Firm.
Traditionally a woman’s exercise tape, but god damn it, I wouldn’t change my morning workout routine for all the tampons in China.
I don’t care if Johnny Lee makes it so Wii Fit implants memories of kicking ass with Van Damme into my brain while lasers sculpt my musculature into that of a Greek God. I will still work out with The Firm: Upper Body and Standing Legs and The Firm: 5-Day Abs and Tough Tape II (It really is quite tough).
First of all, it’s cheaper; for the price of Wii Fit (90 dollars), I can get like sixty Firm tapes at the swap meet and still have enough left over for their patented fanny lifter. Sure, it’s just an overpriced step ladder, but so is the
Wii Fit controller, so fuck you.
Secondly, if Nintendo’s track record of family-friendly entertainment is any indication, Wii Fit will not allow me to work out with a semi developing in my short shorts, and, frankly, that’s one of the only things that gets me through the workout in the first place. Let me put it this way; here’s a screenshot from Wii Fit:
And a photograph I keep in my wallet of the TV screen about halfway through The Firm:
And don’t tell me that shit’s not intentional. They had to break out a ladder to get that shot. And although I can’t fully convey the wonder of all-synth workout music to you through words, suffice to say The Firm’s soundtrack was written entirely by 80’s porn composers who converted to Mormonism.
There’s a synth version of “Mama’s Little Baby Loves Shortenin’” they play while the woman’s doing lunges…sometimes I have to put a tarp down.
So kids, please, get fit. But do it the old fashioned way: while ogling women and lifting 3 to 5 pounds. Leave your workout routines to the Japanese, and you might not like what you get.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael eschews Tae Bo as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!