Why Men Shouldn't Wear 'Shape Up' Shoes
My Ass, Week 0
Week 1Immediately after putting on my Shape-Ups for the first time, I fell over, beginning what would become a familiar and painful routine. It turns out that the crazy shifting platforms these shoes are built on make it difficult for you to do anything without looking like a well seasoned drunk. This had the initial effect of making me avoid spending time on my feet, negating whatever potential benefits the shoes were supposed to provide. It wasn't until I ran out of food within easy reach of my desk chair (approximately two days) that the shoes were put to full use.Once that started, I almost immediately began noticing soreness in my calf muscles. The product literature suggests that this was because I was now using stabilizer muscles that had previously lain dormant, playing whatever video games that calf muscles find interesting. It's this process of working long neglected stabilizer muscles which is how these shoes supposedly work. But would our science droppings confirm the theory?
My Ass, Week 1
Week 2The second week was a lot more challenging than the first. It turns out that one of the poorly advertised side effects of Shape-Up Shoes is their tendency to make you shunned. This started off simply, when my girlfriend stopped answering my calls, explaining that it was because I looked like "I had lost a fight with giving a damn." Being insulted by loved ones is a regular part of my life, and barely worth comment, but more concerning to me was my interactions with the general public. People staring at me. People trying not to stare at me. Children asking their parents what was wrong with me. Older children throwing bottles at me. Later in the week, a bus driver stopped 10 feet away from the bus stop just to inconvenience me. Then when I ran to catch him, he drove off laughing, only to stop and repeat the process several more times. When I eventually got on the bus and asked if he was fucking with me, he said no, but I could tell he was lying because he was kind of laughing when he said it. Peer Review:
My Ass, Week 2
Week 3By the third week my muscles had stopped feeling sore, although other parts of me did start to ache due to the several physical assaults I was subjected to each day. Whether perceived as a weak target or as an aberration best weeded from the gene pool, strangers seemed to really want to, in their own words, "Beat the stupid out of me." It turns out this is a pretty common issue, and after consulting with a Shape-Ups support group online, I found out that a number of coping mechanisms have been developed to assist with this unique cross-training struggle. Many of these had clever names, including Begging for Mercy, Turtling and Grinning and Bearing It. Each had their own pros and cons -- although none, I noticed, actually seemed to do much to prevent the fist-shaped bruises which began springing up on my body. So after ensconcing myself within the community, I proposed a new self-defense technique,
My Ass, Week 3Dan O'Brien: That's better! 3 out of 10! With results like that, don't be surprised if you get a new career as an ASSistant model! Ha ha ha ha! Soren Bowie: I don't actually know how it happened. I sold a couch on Craigslist two years ago and started getting ass shots sent to me. The police said there's not even a law prohibiting it, and if I complained enough to get one made, it might get named after me. Seanbaby: -No Response-Robert Brockway: You're a one trick pony Bucholz. Try doing something different, like sitting on a glass coffee table or something.
Week 4By the fourth and final week I began noticing substantial improvement in my balance. I was able to run at full speed, and indeed had to, as I was being chased into the hills by the Sandmen charged with my capture. Whether it was the shoes, or the heightened sense of awareness that all animals feel when moments from death, I was definitely feeling more poised and alert. But would that translate into a firmer and tighter sense of self-esteem? There was only one way to find out ...
My Ass, Week 4Dan O'Brien: I'm gonna go back to 2 out of 10. I think I inflated my score last week due to some personal issues I was going through. Soren Bowie: Has there been any improvement in my ability to stomach the sight of your baffling non-ass? Yes, sadly. But that's not to the shoes' credit -- that's me dying on the inside. That's just awful. I'm sorry, but you need to see a trainer, or a fucking witch or something.Seanbaby: Sorry dude, I had you on my spam filter because of all your problems. Anyways, those pictures are terrible. You should definitely keep your back to the wall at events and all other times.Robert Brockway: Oh I see. You were doing something else this whole time. Forget everything I said then.
ConclusionSo there you have it folks. By flexing the hottest, tautest science available, Cracked has definitively proven that Shape-Up shoes don't work. The benefits the shoes provide suffer from the fact that there aren't any, and the downsides of wearing them, such as public scorn and the promotion of small scale eugenics, are probably best avoided.
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