Why I'd Like to Fill the Oprah Shaped Hole in Your Life
So almost a week has passed since Oprah signed off, dramatically disappearing into thin air at the climax of her last show after slipping on that mysterious ring that never left her possession. By the time of her decision to retire and live with the elves, Oprah had transformed into something more than a talk show host, and was now as much a spiritual beacon that the rest of us mortals could use to guide our lives. And with that light now extinguished, many are wondering how her fans will manage. Curious myself, I conducted a telephone survey of three random phone numbers this past weekend, assuming them to all be fans of Oprah. I can confirm that 100 percent of them refused to answer the phone because they were curled up in a ball in the exact center of the room, terrified of walls and other vertical surfaces. I found the whole experiment both sad and scientifically incontrovertible.After very little thought, I decided that I'd like to step in to this guidance vacuum myself. I freely admit that part of this decision comes from my deep concern for the physical and spiritual well-being of my fellow man. I somewhat begrudgingly admit that I'm also interested in the billions of dollars Oprah made serving in this capacity. You don't ever have to give any fucks with that kind of money. You want to buy a go-kart? Do it, because it costs like nothing to you. You want to push that go-kart out of a plane flying over the ocean and have it hit a whale? Why not?! You can afford another!To get started on my world-guiding/whale-concussing plans, I decided that the easiest first step would be to ape one of Oprah's most loved features, and fill this column promoting a few of My Favorite Things.
This pair isn't very blue, but the fit is right.__________
All of my hairstyles over the years have made use of Nutella in some way.__________
Even doing something as simple as formatting the basic layout of an article involves swearing like a pirate birthing a saxophone.__________
Voltron actually came first, obviously, but my kidneys almost failed by the time I finished the rest.So when I need to beat my pesky quitter of a body into submission, I like to use energy drinks.
My favorite is the one which tastes like grapefruit and ire.__________
I also like to swing my edged weapons around in the air and pretend I'm killing bears or enormous ants.__________
"GRAAAARGARARARARARGHGGGHGHHHH YEAH! I'M MY DADDY."__________
Rod is reputed to have greeted every single one of his female fans by asking "Have you got a little Rod in you?"Because these are characters we're all familiar with and love, I find that reading stories about them tearing at each others clothes and fucking like wolverines is a fun way to pass a weekend or kill time waiting in a doctor's office.
When will the PIR slashfic community disavow this monstrosity! Am I going crazy here??? HE KILLS MY ERECTION!__________
I like Prevail brand diapers, because they make it sound like what I'm doing is more momentous.__________
HMMELP MMMHH! HMMLP MH! MH! MH! PLEEH DONoooonhhh .......__________
Almost certainly not, no.__________I hope you enjoyed this week's episode folks! Please tune in to my next column which will have guest advice from my friend Dr. Michael! I think you're really going to enjoy "Doctor" Michael; he's a really amazing character, with a lot of great stories about living life off the grid, and will be able to share some great tips on self-actualization and unanesthetized surgery.
For more from Bucholz, check out 10 Job Hunting Strategies Guaranteed to Get You Arrested and 11 Cracked Lifehacking Tips.