Why I'd Like to Fill the Oprah Shaped Hole in Your Life

So almost a week has passed since Oprah signed off, dramatically disappearing into thin air at the climax of her last show after slipping on that mysterious ring that never left her possession. By the time of her decision to retire and live with the elves, Oprah had transformed into something more than a talk show host, and was now as much a spiritual beacon that the rest of us mortals could use to guide our lives. And with that light now extinguished, many are wondering how her fans will manage. Curious myself, I conducted a telephone survey of three random phone numbers this past weekend, assuming them to all be fans of Oprah. I can confirm that 100 percent of them refused to answer the phone because they were curled up in a ball in the exact center of the room, terrified of walls and other vertical surfaces. I found the whole experiment both sad and scientifically incontrovertible.

After very little thought, I decided that I'd like to step in to this guidance vacuum myself. I freely admit that part of this decision comes from my deep concern for the physical and spiritual well-being of my fellow man. I somewhat begrudgingly admit that I'm also interested in the billions of dollars Oprah made serving in this capacity. You don't ever have to give any fucks with that kind of money. You want to buy a go-kart? Do it, because it costs like nothing to you. You want to push that go-kart out of a plane flying over the ocean and have it hit a whale? Why not?! You can afford another!

To get started on my world-guiding/whale-concussing plans, I decided that the easiest first step would be to ape one of Oprah's most loved features, and fill this column promoting a few of My Favorite Things.

For the callow, despicable folk unfamiliar with Oprah's program, Her Favorite Things was a list of items and products that Oprah enjoyed using in her own life, which she promoted and gave away to her audience. Because of the limitations of html, I'm forced to do that here without the second, charitable part.