Lifehacking has been one of about three hundred rages that’s swept over the Internet in recent years, but as it had nothing to do with adorable animals or fecalphilia, it’s likely the average Cracked reader has overlooked it. Well, now’s the time to raise your sights you abominations, and check this shit out.
Lifehacking originated amongst computer geeks, who, after discovering they needed to nerd things up more efficiently, devised scripts and tools to perform unwanted or repetitive tasks for them, like shaving. The term “lifehacking” has since expanded in scope beyond the computer world, and now includes any creative solution to everyday problems. Productivity enhancers still dominate the field, but if you’re looking for a clever way to hang a cabinet or get skid marks out of your underpants, rest assured someone out there’s got your back.
Because people are always asking us here at Cracked how we do the things we do (a question only exceeded by its mate: “Why do you…”) I thought I’d share some of the lifehacking tips we’ve accumulated over the years that help us produce the high-in-quality-but-low-in-brow comedy we’ve become famous for.
__
1. Use To-do lists
Any paint huffing idiot can make a to-do list, but making a to-do list that actually works requires the higher cognitive power only a felt-pen sniffing idiot possesses. Leading felt pen sniffers agree that three key steps are required to get your to-do lists to work:
1a. Break items up into manageable chunks
Let’s say I put in my to-do list the following entry:
Defraud Swaim out of Swaim family fortune.
Looks good right? It’s important, and now I won’t forget to do it. But there’s a problem here. The task is too big. Dozens of steps will be required in executing it, and I might not know where to begin (I do in this case: past post scheme at a rigged cockfighting parlor, or a confidence scam hinging on the price of potato futures). But by breaking this item up into several steps, I can tackle them individually with minimal stress and delay, and before I know it, I’ll be$5,000 richer.
1b. Review the list regularly
Just like pornography, a to-do list won’t work if you never look at it. Either keep your to-do list front and center in your work environment so it’s impossible to not see it, or set a regular time to review it each day. Like right after pornography time.
1c. Keep separate lists for different environments
The tasks you’ll have to do at work will be different from the tasks you have to do at home, so why confuse your to-do lists? Anywhere you have a lot of work to do or spend a lot of time is a valid candidate for a to-do list. I keep separate lists for work, home and school, and I know DOB keeps a special one just for the bathtub.
1d. To-do list software
In terms of software, there’s tons of options available. I’m a minimalist, so I just use a plain text file and a program called Samurize to embed it in my desktop.
Note my simple priority system.
2. Coding Tips
Cracked.com makes use of all the latest web technologies like HTML, CSS, XML, TDI, GHB, etc… Given the challenges of working with these diverse technologies, our web developers have developed a number of Greasemonkey scripts which they use to steal code from better websites. Most of our front end is simply Fark with some different colors, and our forum was lifted entirely from this place here.
3. Keeping A Schedule
This shouldn’t be that hard. Calendar programs like those found in Microsoft Outlook, Google Calendar or your smartphone are all great at keeping schedules and reminding yourself of deadlines.
4. Find pictures of crotch bulges
Google Image Search is the classic way for doing this, but there are other superior ways as well. Try installing a pinhole camera in the dressing room of your local vintage dress store, and you’ll soon have pictures of hipsters trying on tight pants–along with other images of some value–streaming into your inbox faster than you’ll know what to do with them. (Hint: You can sell them.)
5. Bail a coworker out of jail
It’s a common enough occurrence at Cracked that we have a system all set for this. In our area, the bail amount typically set for public nuisance is a few hundred dollars, depending on how many chickens were set loose. So not a huge amount, but not trivial either. Fortunately we’ve got a mason jar in our kitchen area, which works sort of like a swear jar, only it’s for frustrated crying jags. Every time someone bursts out in tears and says, “Fuck you guys, I quit,” they have to put in a quarter. There’s usually a couple thousand bucks in there, so we just dip into it when we need it.
6. Put out fires
In the Cracked offices, none of our fire extinguishers are charged, and haven’t been since Gladstone’s last birthday party (“Fuck you guys, I quit.”) So we’re a little limited with firefighting options. Fortunately you can make your own fire extinguishing system by dumping a bottle of Mr. Bubbles in a dishwasher and taking the fuck off. Finally, remember that “stop, drop and roll” only works if it’s you that’s on fire. We found that out the hard way one hilarious, but tragic, (but hilarious) day.
7. Look like you’re working harder than you are
Oh don’t look so surprised, Jack. Angling your computer monitor away from coworkers, using alt-tab and wearing a green accountant’s visor are all time honored ways to look like you’re doing more work than you are. Here’s another little trick I picked up from Brockway:
“Replace your keyboard with a really loud one. Clickity clack clack clack. You know, super loud. Cowbell loud. Make sure everyone knows how loud it is. Then record yourself typing very rapidly. Then, when you find a suitable time, playback the recording on a loop. Then, when everyone thinks you’re working, whiskey jacks.” (”Whiskey jacks” is a game Brockway has devised where he drinks a pint of rye whiskey, and then throws things on the ground.)
8. Instantly come up with synonyms for male genitals
Whether you’re a comedy writer or an appeals court judge, you can never have enough synonyms for junk. Here’s a pro tip: Grab a thesaurus and look up all the synonyms for “Love” or “Lust.” Pick one of those at random, then go to the Home Depot website, close your eyes and click around a bit.
“Love Baluster”? Good, but maybe a little esoteric. “Passion Lathe”? Sure, why not. “Deep Caulk Gun”? Yes.
9. Get rid of a whole bunch of puppies
Because of the amount of comedy that gets done in back alleys and underneath bridge overpasses, Cracked staffers are always finding and bringing home stray dogs, on account of our enormous hearts, and the uncooked ground beef management requires us to carry around at all times. (Official company motto: “Never a bad time for tacos.”) This means that we constantly have to sweep the office of puppies and dogs, and because of the strict ethical code Cracked employees follow, we have to do it safely and hygienically. Our best trick is putting them in the elevator and sending them to the eighth floor, where Redbook is published. If Redbook is not published in your building, consider moving.
10. Hide in a toy store overnight
Comedy’s written during the day, and it’s starting to get dark out. Time to find a place to sleep. Like all who hail from the race of Men, Cracked writers constantly dream of spending the night in the local Toys ‘R’ Us. But this can be tricky. All of the obvious places will be inspected by store staff for homeless comedy writers before they lock up for the night. What to do?
The trick then is to hide in a non-obvious place. Like that huge bin of rubber balls they have near the front of the store. With the help of some accomplices, first stage a distraction. A good one is to have two friends walk around, loudly discussing how toy stores are similar to petting zoos, if you really think about it. While store security is busy dealing with them, you’re wading into a bin of balls, quickly concealing yourself. That smell friend? It’s not the toxic off-gassing of cheap Chinese rubber. It’s success.
11. Find things on Japanese websites
Even the bravest comedy writers have yet to plumb the complete depths of Japanese insanity, a fact which renders this small island nation into a limitless source of hilarity.
Japan.
A key element of Japanese-mockery lies in gathering the appropriate images. The problem lies in the fact that, thanks to a fluke of geography, the Japanese weren’t brutally conquered by the English and now speak some bizarre Eastern tongue. Navigating Japanese websites is thus ridiculously, ridiculously hard. Even finding a suitable Japanese website can be nearly impossible.
One trick is to take the word you’re looking for, punch it into a web translation engine and translate it to Japanese. Depending on the language packs you’ve got installed on your machine, you may or may not see Japanese characters or complete gobblydegook, but regardless, paste that shit into Google, and see what it digs up for you.
Did you try it? You found some pretty shocking pornography, didn’t you? Yeah, that will happen. I was going to warn you before you did that, but then remembered that I didn’t want to.
____
This entry was posted on Tuesday, October 27th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Lifehacking. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 4th, 2009 at 12:35 am
I wanted to tell you that I genuinely laughed until tears rolled down my face. Okay, so I’m really sleep-deprived. Still. The dishwasher fire extinguisher and the Home Depot synonyms for genitalia were ridiculously funny.
October 30th, 2009 at 10:19 pm
1. translated “engorged rectum” into google translate.
2. translated into Japanese
3. Searched for that shit.
4. First result found was this: daichou.com/blood.htm
5. Crying/Wanking
October 30th, 2009 at 4:42 am
Does anyone know how to do that .txt embed thing with Samurize? I downloaded it but am a complete loss.
October 30th, 2009 at 2:59 am
American Gods is awesome. Great article as well, good luck with the fraud!
October 29th, 2009 at 7:11 pm
i think its rather sad that i actually know what gaia online is without having to click the link…..
October 29th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Because the American’s had to go to Canada to find their Captain America?! http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/
Bwwahahahahahaaaa!!!!
October 29th, 2009 at 10:30 am
Whiskey Jack? Isn’t that one of the minor god’s name in “American Gods”? American Indian wiskaedjak…something like that.
October 29th, 2009 at 6:58 am
eli I hate you so much.
October 28th, 2009 at 7:12 pm
wanna watch free adults movies or naked pics?? pls check out for
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October 28th, 2009 at 7:07 pm
Um, that’s “coprophilia,” not “fecalphilia,” as I’m sure about a thousand other people below me pointed out.
October 28th, 2009 at 6:59 pm
Jesus god almighty this is funny. I long to see your frustrated crying jags.
And any advice from Brockway is good enough for me. Whisky Jacks it is.
October 28th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
After a long hard day I always look forward to a good game of whiskey jacks.
October 28th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
i rofled (no pun intended) at the stop drop and roll line
October 28th, 2009 at 11:50 am
Jorn if you laughed like a cunt then it is probably because you are a cunt. This article sucked.
October 28th, 2009 at 11:23 am
You idiots. Any article which has the phrase potato futures in it is funny.. Like law 1 of comedy.
October 28th, 2009 at 6:26 am
Welcome to join the Millionaire Friends circle: ****WealthyCupid.org*** where you can hook up the wealthy singles,sexy beauties. Find your sexy partner easier and more effective!http://www.wealthycupid.org/
October 28th, 2009 at 4:43 am
boring article you can do better
October 28th, 2009 at 2:40 am
Fantastic stuff. I laughed like a cunt!
October 28th, 2009 at 1:17 am
My friends recommended me a very interesting place __ Cracked.com__ It’s a nice and free place for Younger Men and Older (but still rather young) Men, or Older (but still rather young) Men and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Age gap is not a problem there. You may wanna check it out and tell your friends.
Also dongs.
October 28th, 2009 at 12:52 am
I put the prase “brutally conquered by the English” into Google and got this..
Welcome to Red Shoes village wisdom Tonmaku beautiful night, Extremes Hello, My Tutor Friend family affair brother sweet life … ing information empire everlasting oasis Korean movie Adada river tomorrow Teach Me English “line Oh” ” STORY
October 27th, 2009 at 11:56 pm
Strangely enough Lifehacking was invented in Japan and is known as Urawaza, or roughly translated “Secret Technique” or “Eels in the ass” depending how you read the kanji. Number 4 was the best, but is the most disturbing when found on a woman: http://bit.ly/1REbSf
October 27th, 2009 at 11:04 pm
Even if this wasn’t Bucholz’s best, I still feel glad to have read this. This was pretty good.
October 27th, 2009 at 10:29 pm
You look at one article that that’s purely written in satire, out of the hundreds of articles that are funny and educational and have come to that conclusion there pizzacat? Pathetic.
October 27th, 2009 at 9:51 pm
my friends recommended me this site, stating it was a humorous educational site well they were wrong and shall no longer be friends of mine
October 27th, 2009 at 9:42 pm
“Life hacking” seems to require no hacking and no life.
The best wang euphemisms involve manly objects combined with a descriptor for shock value; ie. “sinister gun,” “filthy hammer,” “skin train,” “danger missile,” “sex Cadillac.”
October 27th, 2009 at 8:59 pm
Haha!! That’s so friggin hilarious. I love it. lmao
October 27th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
awesome awesmocity
October 27th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
I do Item #11 at least once a week, my good man.
October 27th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
Deep Caulk Gun. I <3 Bucholz
October 27th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
hee hee
October 27th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
So you got paid for this “article”?
October 27th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
Whisky Jacks? We play Bourbon Jack. Similar in that you drink a bottle of bourbon while flipping your desk a over t repeatedly…
October 27th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
this is too much, i can’t fucking breathe! hahahahahahahahahahahahha
October 27th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
That was entertaining, although not as life-hackerish as I was expecting it to be. It probably could have been funnier, but it was still really fun to read.
October 27th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
I think I’ll be playing whiskey jacks a lot more now.
October 27th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
Whiskey Jacks ftw!
October 27th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
Best list ever!
More Cracked office stories and more lists!
October 27th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
My friends recommended me a very interesting place __ AgelessFriends.com __ It’s a nice and free place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Age gap is not a problem there. You may wanna check it out and tell your friends.
October 27th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
There’s nothing wrong with writing an arrticle while drunk, but posting it while drunk should be avoided.
October 27th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
I still don’t know what Lifehacking is. The article really only lists unrelated things that I guess are sort of funny.
October 27th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
Whiskey Jacks sounds like a pretty good idea for a game.
October 27th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
Really, the only legitimate way to become famous is to build a system that generates fans of your brand. Read “The Web Marketing Universe” for more information. http://www.famefoundry.com/175/the-web-marketing-universe
October 27th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
These tips certainly don’t sound like the Life Hacking section of Slate Magazine! They are a whole lot better.
October 27th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
I read it, i liked it, im not sure what it was about or if i really did like it or not.
October 27th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
yeah maybe i’m half retarded or something, but i didnt understand what this article was about. im disappointed bucholz, you’re probably my favorite writer for this site
October 27th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
Damn it, I hate to be the word-Nazi, but fecalphilia isn’t a fetish, coprophilia is the correct term for a fetish of poop.
October 27th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
This is probably one of the worse articles I’ve ever read on Cracked. You should be ashamed. Also, don’t you dare drag Michael Swaim into your Articles, you’re only making a real genius look bad by involving him.
October 27th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
I wasn’t really digging the article, but that Whiskey Jack’s bit cracked me up.
October 27th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
ok i’ve read and reread this article but still have no idea what its about.
October 27th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
zOMG Bucholz! You just helped me remember something incredibly important. I will pay you back one day with $5000
October 27th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
I used to do the Japanese websites thing. Good times. I had so much fun and I don’t know why. I didn’t understand a thing.
And that’s a… strange wallpaper, I’d say.
October 27th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
I have learned an important lesson today. Fuck Japan.
October 27th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
This article was probably funny. I stopped caring about reading it after the second paragraph or so.
October 27th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
damn, we totally should have conquered the japs when we sent the marines there in early 20th century.
October 27th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
fucking AMAZING list, I want more of these
October 27th, 2009 at 11:58 am
“Stop trying to turn Cracked into a sitcom. It doesn’t work, and your pretend antics aren’t funny.”
colin_in_sick, you go to hell. The cracked staff stories are the best things to ever happen to cracked.
October 27th, 2009 at 11:40 am
@Qeex: Your concern lies in the fact that the picture of the Harry Potter kid is “badly-Photoshopped”? This concerns me…
October 27th, 2009 at 11:32 am
I would totally play whiskey jacks with you, Chris.
October 27th, 2009 at 11:04 am
Could be better but I agree about ‘Flup’- genious.
October 27th, 2009 at 10:37 am
If you Yanks hadn’t rebelled and chucked us out of your country, we would happily have continued across and eventually conquered Japan as well. We told you independence was a bad idea, but would you listen? Noooooo. Now they’re all masturbating to magic octopus rapist cartoons and selling the undergarments of school-age children from vending machines. That wouldn’t have happened under us.
-England
October 27th, 2009 at 10:17 am
The problem lies in the fact that, thanks to a fluke of geography, the Japanese weren’t brutally conquered by the English and now speak some bizarre Eastern tongue.
Brilliant.
October 27th, 2009 at 10:16 am
that was fucking hilarious.
all of it
October 27th, 2009 at 10:11 am
I’m going to implement these things.
October 27th, 2009 at 10:09 am
This was okay. Not your best work but I think it was still worth a read. ‘Flup-flup-flup’ is now my new battle cry.
October 27th, 2009 at 9:57 am
It’s called comedy Qeex.
Considering you’re on a comedy site, I’m surprised you didn’t piece that together.
October 27th, 2009 at 9:55 am
“Hint: You can sell them” Brilliant. . .
October 27th, 2009 at 9:15 am
Hillarious… totally got off the topic of life-hacking, but I laughed my ass off anyways.
October 27th, 2009 at 8:54 am
Why is a badly-shopped photo of Rupert Grint your desktop background?
October 27th, 2009 at 8:47 am
“The problem lies in the fact that, thanks to a fluke of geography, the Japanese weren’t brutally conquered by the English and now speak some bizarre Eastern tongue. ”
Made me lol, in the traditional manner.
October 27th, 2009 at 8:44 am
colin_in_sick is a fag who loves dudes in the ass
October 27th, 2009 at 7:55 am
Goose Puncher, ftw.
October 27th, 2009 at 7:14 am
I submit GoosePuncher for number 8
October 27th, 2009 at 7:06 am
Are you flupping your deep caulk gun to that picture of Weasley on your desktop? Good article.
October 27th, 2009 at 6:33 am
OK dude sounds good to me. I like it.
RT
http://www.anonymous.ua.tc
October 27th, 2009 at 5:57 am
Great stufff. I lost it at “Whiskey Jacks”.
October 27th, 2009 at 5:35 am
GBH? Drug reference or genuine web page format? I prefer to think that it is a drug reference
October 27th, 2009 at 5:33 am
This article took a turn for the bizare after Keeping A Schedule, but hey, I liked it
October 27th, 2009 at 5:23 am
I had to stop after “find pictures of crotch bulges”. It was just too weird. Funny, though.
October 27th, 2009 at 5:21 am
hahaha, Great article man.
October 27th, 2009 at 5:18 am
Just know a great celeb site ___Tallconnect CO M___ where you can me et many big beautiful wo man and hand some guys.
October 27th, 2009 at 5:15 am
Deep Caulk Gun, lol
October 27th, 2009 at 5:11 am
Awesome article. Thanks for the link back to “How to win a fight against twenty children”. I’d forgotten how hilarious that one was too!
October 27th, 2009 at 5:09 am
The best dating club for rich man to seek the rich young prey!! Build a home for your youth!! Visit _Sugarloves-COM_
October 27th, 2009 at 4:59 am
Wow. That was not funny.
October 27th, 2009 at 4:58 am
It says something profound and saddening about our culture when figuring problems out on your own is so unusual we need a word for it, and we pick the douchiest word possible.
October 27th, 2009 at 4:54 am
#12 Never forsake the lube when flupping. Although this will extend flup time by requiring messy clean-up, in the end it is more efficient than nursing chafing wounds.
October 27th, 2009 at 4:45 am
It’s like the only point of this article was to name drop and prove that he’s super best friends with all of the other (more popular) columnists.
October 27th, 2009 at 4:07 am
First bitchs!
As always funny artical keep it up.