Lifehacking has been one of about three hundred rages that’s swept over the Internet in recent years, but as it had nothing to do with adorable animals or fecalphilia, it’s likely the average Cracked reader has overlooked it. Well, now's the time to raise your sights you abominations, and check this shit out.
Lifehacking originated amongst computer geeks, who, after discovering they needed to nerd things up more efficiently, devised scripts and tools to perform unwanted or repetitive tasks for them, like shaving. The term "lifehacking" has since expanded in scope beyond the computer world, and now includes any creative solution to everyday problems. Productivity enhancers still dominate the field, but if you’re looking for a clever way to hang a cabinet or get skid marks out of your underpants, rest assured someone out there’s got your back.
Because people are always asking us here at Cracked how we do the things we do (a question only exceeded by its mate: “Why do you...”) I thought I’d share some of the lifehacking tips we’ve accumulated over the years that help us produce the high-in-quality-but-low-in-brow comedy we’ve become famous for.
1. Use To-do lists
Any paint huffing idiot can make a to-do list, but making a to-do list that actually works requires the higher cognitive power only a felt-pen sniffing idiot possesses. Leading felt pen sniffers agree that three key steps are required to get your to-do lists to work:
1a. Break items up into manageable chunks
Let’s say I put in my to-do list the following entry: Defraud Swaim out of Swaim family fortune.
Looks good right? It’s important, and now I won’t forget to do it. But there’s a problem here. The task is too big. Dozens of steps will be required in executing it, and I might not know where to begin (I do in this case: past post scheme at a rigged cockfighting parlor, or a confidence scam hinging on the price of potato futures). But by breaking this item up into several steps, I can tackle them individually with minimal stress and delay, and before I know it, I'll be$5,000 richer.
1b. Review the list regularly
Just like pornography, a to-do list won’t work if you never look at it. Either keep your to-do list front and center in your work environment so it’s impossible to not see it, or set a regular time to review it each day. Like right after pornography time.
1c. Keep separate lists for different environments
The tasks you’ll have to do at work will be different from the tasks you have to do at home, so why confuse your to-do lists? Anywhere you have a lot of work to do or spend a lot of time is a valid candidate for a to-do list. I keep separate lists for work, home and school, and I know DOB keeps a special one just for the bathtub.
1d. To-do list software
In terms of software, there’s tons of options available. I'm a minimalist, so I just use a plain text file and a program called Samurize to embed it in my desktop.
Note my simple priority system.2. Coding Tips
Cracked.com makes use of all the latest web technologies like HTML, CSS, XML, TDI, GHB, etc... Given the challenges of working with these diverse technologies, our web developers have developed a number of Greasemonkey scripts which they use to steal code from better websites. Most of our front end is simply Fark with some different colors, and our forum was lifted entirely from this place here.3. Keeping A Schedule
This shouldn’t be that hard. Calendar programs like those found in Microsoft Outlook, Google Calendar or your smartphone are all great at keeping schedules and reminding yourself of deadlines.
4. Find pictures of crotch bulges
Google Image Search is the classic way for doing this, but there are other superior ways as well. Try installing a pinhole camera in the dressing room of your local vintage dress store, and you’ll soon have pictures of hipsters trying on tight pants--along with other images of some value--streaming into your inbox faster than you'll know what to do with them. (Hint: You can sell them.)
5. Bail a coworker out of jail
It’s a common enough occurrence at Cracked that we have a system all set for this. In our area, the bail amount typically set for public nuisance is a few hundred dollars, depending on how many chickens were set loose. So not a huge amount, but not trivial either. Fortunately we’ve got a mason jar in our kitchen area, which works sort of like a swear jar, only it’s for frustrated crying jags. Every time someone bursts out in tears and says, “Fuck you guys, I quit,” they have to put in a quarter. There’s usually a couple thousand bucks in there, so we just dip into it when we need it.
6. Put out fires
In the Cracked offices, none of our fire extinguishers are charged, and haven’t been since Gladstone’s last birthday party (“Fuck you guys, I quit.”) So we’re a little limited with firefighting options. Fortunately you can make your own fire extinguishing system by dumping a bottle of Mr. Bubbles in a dishwasher and taking the fuck off. Finally, remember that “stop, drop and roll” only works if it’s you that’s on fire. We found that out the hard way one hilarious, but tragic, (but hilarious) day.
7. Look like you’re working harder than you are
Oh don’t look so surprised, Jack. Angling your computer monitor away from coworkers, using alt-tab and wearing a green accountant’s visor are all time honored ways to look like you’re doing more work than you are. Here’s another little trick I picked up from Brockway:
“Replace your keyboard with a really loud one. Clickity clack clack clack. You know, super loud. Cowbell loud. Make sure everyone knows how loud it is. Then record yourself typing very rapidly. Then, when you find a suitable time, playback the recording on a loop. Then, when everyone thinks you're working, whiskey jacks.” ("Whiskey jacks" is a game Brockway has devised where he drinks a pint of rye whiskey, and then throws things on the ground.)
8. Instantly come up with synonyms for male genitals
Whether you're a comedy writer or an appeals court judge, you can never have enough synonyms for junk. Here's a pro tip: Grab a thesaurus and look up all the synonyms for "Love" or "Lust." Pick one of those at random, then go to the Home Depot website, close your eyes and click around a bit.
"Love Baluster"? Good, but maybe a little esoteric. "Passion Lathe"? Sure, why not. "Deep Caulk Gun"? Yes.9. Get rid of a whole bunch of puppies
Because of the amount of comedy that gets done in back alleys and underneath bridge overpasses, Cracked staffers are always finding and bringing home stray dogs, on account of our enormous hearts, and the uncooked ground beef management requires us to carry around at all times. (Official company motto: “Never a bad time for tacos.”) This means that we constantly have to sweep the office of puppies and dogs, and because of the strict ethical code Cracked employees follow, we have to do it safely and hygienically. Our best trick is putting them in the elevator and sending them to the eighth floor, where Redbook is published. If Redbook is not published in your building, consider moving.
10. Hide in a toy store overnight
Comedy’s written during the day, and it’s starting to get dark out. Time to find a place to sleep. Like all who hail from the race of Men, Cracked writers constantly dream of spending the night in the local Toys 'R' Us. But this can be tricky. All of the obvious places will be inspected by store staff for homeless comedy writers before they lock up for the night. What to do?
The trick then is to hide in a non-obvious place. Like that huge bin of rubber balls they have near the front of the store. With the help of some accomplices, first stage a distraction. A good one is to have two friends walk around, loudly discussing how toy stores are similar to petting zoos, if you really think about it. While store security is busy dealing with them, you’re wading into a bin of balls, quickly concealing yourself. That smell friend? It’s not the toxic off-gassing of cheap Chinese rubber. It’s success.11. Find things on Japanese websites
Even the bravest comedy writers have yet to plumb the complete depths of Japanese insanity, a fact which renders this small island nation into a limitless source of hilarity.
A key element of Japanese-mockery lies in gathering the appropriate images. The problem lies in the fact that, thanks to a fluke of geography, the Japanese weren’t brutally conquered by the English and now speak some bizarre Eastern tongue. Navigating Japanese websites is thus ridiculously, ridiculously hard. Even finding a suitable Japanese website can be nearly impossible.
One trick is to take the word you’re looking for, punch it into a web translation engine and translate it to Japanese. Depending on the language packs you’ve got installed on your machine, you may or may not see Japanese characters or complete gobblydegook, but regardless, paste that shit into Google, and see what it digs up for you.
Did you try it? You found some pretty shocking pornography, didn’t you? Yeah, that will happen. I was going to warn you before you did that, but then remembered that I didn't want to.