MP: Really. We're really making artificial meat.
C: Like in a test tube?
MP: A petri dish, actually.
C: Because when people hear "test tube meat," they immediately think about university pranks gone wrong, and penile sutures, and embarrassing nicknames that never leave you.
C: Glass Porker. That was the one I was thinking of.
MP: Wow. We're not doing that at all.
C: I don't recommend it.
MP: I can imagine.
C: I don't recommend that, either.
MP: This is kind of a strange interview.
C: Well, you're kind of a strange-looking guy. (checks notes) So what, if you're not fucking test tubes, do you think you're doing here?
MP: Basically, we're using a technique that cultivates stem cells from a cow and forces them to turn into muscle cells.
C: These are the same stem cells that have been in the news the last few years because of the controversies, correct?
MP: Not quite. What we're ...
C: It was spider-men, wasn't it? You guys were using stem cells to create spider-men?
MP: Those are human stem cells you're thinking of, and I don't think anyone's trying to create spider-men.
C: Because you have to understand
MP: That's not really what we're ...
C: Sticky voyeurism.
MP: We're not doing ...
C: And bondage-related crimes. Bondage-related everything, really. Perverts tying people to things. Things to people. Perverts to things. And then just watching.
(The interview stops for several seconds.)
C: Holy shit. I just went to a weird place.
MP: I see.
C: Do you?
MP: I can assure you that we're not doing anything like that at all. Just creating meat.
C: I guess then that my next question is: why? I mean, cows have been making beef for more than 80 years. Why change that now?
MP: It's because it takes an enormous amount of grain, and consequently, energy, to get beef from a cow. The method we've created uses a fraction of that energy. And because the number of people who want to eat meat is growing rapidly, a more efficient source of meat will be very valuable in the near future.
C: That is disappointingly sane. You're sure you're not doing this to please ancient meat lords who only you can see?
MP: No, we're not.
C: I've got to tell you, I've got mixed feelings about this.
MP: How so?
C: Well, as a protector of humanity, I'm pleased to see that you are seemingly sane ...
MP: There is no way you're a protector of humanity.
C: Everyone who works for Cracked is a protector of humanity. It's kind of a thing we do. We have this conference room with a TV on the wall and we sit there and watch the news on mute and pretend we're the Super Friends.
"Help us, Cracked writers! Our children have been kidnapped by space giraffes! They demand all the world's high foliage!"