November 30, 2006
: "I know 98% of you are visiting this site today looking for pictures of Britney Spears' ladyparts, but I'm sorry to say you won't find them here. Instead, please enjoy this picture of a delicious sausage, egg & cheese bagel which I ate in New York once. You'll be much better off than if you'd seen you-know-who's you-know-what. Trust me on this one."
December 18, 2006
: "When reached for comment, Spears said, 'Thatâs nonsense. I take excellent care of Sean Preston and Jayden James. In fact, I just sent them off to the kennels for their shots, a quick neuter, and a flea dip.' The starlet then sped off for a night of zany fun with her best crotch."
January 5, 2007
: "Britney Spears, light of our lives, may have had a rough 2006---an unseemly divorce, some bad press, a rampaging vagina on the loose, you know how it goes---but sheâs determined to kick off the new year with a fresh start, promising a renaissance of musical productivity and panty-wearing not seen since before the sweet faux-whorishness of her teens gave way to the unpleasant genuine whorishness of her twenties."
January 18, 2007
: "Ridiculous, indeed---after all, what starry-eyed hip-hoppinâ Jewish beau wouldnât give his last hoodie to lick Britneyâs vomit off his fingers? Peanut butter, on the other hand---thatâs just disgusting."
January 19, 2007
: (Video) "Exclusive Sneak Peek at 'Extreme Makeover: Britney Spears Edition'"
February 20, 2007
: "Esther Tognozzi, the enterprising American who owns the salon where Britney Spears (commonly known as The Next Anna Nicoleâ¢) shaved her purty little head last weekend, is offering the starâs discarded locks for auction, with bidding beginning at the paltry sum of one million dollars."
February 21, 2007
: "Justin Timberlake, whose fresh dance moves and boyish good looks have led him to be described as 'a human Michael Jackson,' has come to the defense of former girlfriend Britney Spearsâ decision to shave her head Saturday."
February 26, 2007
: "In addition to privacy, [Britney] asked [rehab staff] for the following provisions essential to her continuing recovery: A jacuzzi filled with Dom Perignon; Outpatient privileges for the occasional barefoot stroll through a rest-stop toilet; A mattress filled with gazillion-dollar bills; A television in each room, showing a constant loop of
, Britney & Kevin: Chaotic
, and DuckTales
; An endless supply of gold-plated barf-bags..."
March 6, 2007
: "Britney Spears Pre-Show Warm-up Routine
: speaks foreign languages, backwards; masturbates with crucifix; rotates head 360 degrees while projectile vomiting; enjoys a Mountain Dew and some Laffy Taffy"
July 7, 2007
: "Mama Spears, above, demonstrates the proper technique for bumming a smoke off oneâs toddler. (Tip: Itâs not âsecondhand smokeâ if the baby holds the cigarettes!)"
July 24, 2007
: "In what has been a boon to gossip writers everywhere, Britney Spears (a.k.a. 'The Worldâs Greatest Mom,' a.k.a. 'Our Lady of the Blessed Trainwreck,' a.k.a. 'Master of Umbrellajitsu,' a.k.a. ad infinitum) has continued to show no signs of winding down her Year of Living Britneyously."
July 31, 2007
: "Britney Spears is a skank, which explains why she skankety-skanked such a skank skank."
August 15, 2007
: "If we needed any further proof that our darling Brit-Brit has gone over the edge and is now certifiably batshit bonkers, this is itâbecause as any sane parent can tell you, there is a time and a place for stripping naked and asking the nanny to get into bed with you, but itâs
when the kid is around. Firstly, because itâs irresponsible parenting, of course; but more importantlyâand Iâm sure Britneyâs with me on this oneâbecause the little tykes will cock-block you every time
August 27, 2007
: "Britney's childrenâs toys were found to be contaminated by not only lead, but also Colt 45, crystal meth, bongwater, miscellaneous bodily fluids traced to the Los Angeles Clippers, and some homeless dudeâs teeth; After barbecue, raw chicken discovered in crib, Sean Preston found on grill with a beer up his butt."
November 2, 2007
: "... Britney Spears goes on a hunger strike to protest her own horrible Halloween costume."
December 7, 2007
: "I could talk about how Method Man (of the Wu-Tang Clan) said recently that Britney Spearsâ head-shaving was a sign of the coming Apocalypse (other signs include breakdancers with backwards feet and talking toilet paper rolls)."
December 20, 2007
: "Although Jamie Lynn Spears has confirmed that she is indeed 'with child,' older sis and parenting expert Britney is refusing to believe it... However, Britneyâs denial actually fits quite well with her preferred philosophy on children: 'If you ignore them, theyâll go away.'"
: "I also think I read somewhere that 'Umbrella' was originally offered to Britney Spears, but I for one am glad she declined it, since I would just be spending the whole video thinking about how bad all that water would be for her toe fungus."
: "God damn
, I've written a lot about Britney Spears."
... And there you have it; the entirety of my creative efforts expended on Britney's behalf. In case you were wondering, with the amount of time and energy required to produce this body of work, I could also have:
- discovered cures for cancer, heart disease, and Mormonism;
- broken Joe DiMaggio's hitting streak record with one foot tied behind my back;
- caught Osama Bin Laden and converted him to Scientology;
- knitted the Great American Novel on a 600-foot scarf; or
- masturbated over 100,000 times.
Think on this, my friends, and seize the day.
(Thanks to WULAD, Junkiness, Offsprung, and this here Cracked Blog, under whose banners the posts quoted above were first written.)
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