This piece was written by the people who run the Cracked Store to tell you about products that are being sold there.
You probably came to this site looking to laugh, but there has never been anything so serious as the glory and mind-splitting nature of the deals we are about to reveal to you. Zeus himself gazed upon these deals and said, "Hmm, that's pretty good." Then he said, "I really enjoy reading Cracked, and I want to support you guys, so give me one of those robot vacuums, alright?" Yes, we can talk to Zeus, and here some of the other items he also considered:
Drones are en vogue, and the AirSelfie 2 makes taking selfies and group photos vogue as all hell. This pocket-sized drone packs up easily, is controlled by your smartphone, and can hover up to 65 feet in the air. Most importantly, you don't have to deal with the crippling anxiety of asking a random passerby to take a picture of you. Jesus, the horror.
Charging cables are usually pretty run of the mill, but this cable for your iPhone or iPad changes color when you hold it in your hands. That's a mill nobody is running. But really, the best thing about it is that it's MFi-Certified and about half the price of a regular Lightning cable.
Summer is coming, and if your rinky-dink fan has the wind power of a baby sneezing, then you might want to invest in evaLIGHT. This eco-friendly device is ten times more efficient than portable ACs, using a natural evaporative cooling effect to chill, humidify, and purify the air around you.
LuminAID was funded by Mark Cuban of Shark Tank, which as far as street cred amongst eccentric billionaires goes, is about a notch below Elon Musk and a smidge above the reanimated corpse of William Randolph Hearst. But in case the Cuban seal of approval isn't enough to convince you, some objectively good things about PackLite is that it's solar-powered, inflatable, and submersible in water. It's about as useful (and green!) as trail lights can get.
Behold! The vacuum purchased by Zeus to clean up after Pegasus, who is a hell of a shedder. (Hercules is supposed to pick up, but he just keeps extending his "sabbatical" in Bali.) But why, besides the fact that the name sounds like ancient Greek, does Zeus like the Ecovacs Deebot so much? His exact words: "Whoa, this is a lot cheaper than a Roomba and does virtually the exact same thing." Can't argue with that.
Time might only be a philosophical construct, but that doesn't mean it can't look sexy, and these stylish watches from one of Kickstarter's top brands prove it. The Xeric Halographic Automatic Watch displays time through a unique "halo" design, and each is engraved with a number from 001 to 999 because, you guessed it, Xeric only made 1,000. Limited edition, people!!!
These earbuds are the result of ten years of R&D (which stands for research and development, and is sadly not some sort of Dungeons & Dragons spinoff), and have been endorsed by Chris Julian, Gregg Rolie, and Ron Wisko. That's a four-time Grammy nominee, the guy from Journey, and the drummer from Foreigner. These are serious musicians! They love these earbuds because they're the first to reproduce 5.1 Virtual Surround Sound in any earbud platform. Kinda nuts, actually.
The Powerball Supernova Pro works similarly to the Shake Weight, but has the added benefit of not making it look like you're engaging in sexual congress with a gym tool. Instead it works discreetly in your hand to help rehab hand and arm injuries (especially carpal tunnel), build grip strength, and improve energy.
In this digital, device-driven age, portable batteries are essential for travelers, and this one goes the extra mile. With two USB ports and a Qi-compatible wireless charging pad built in, you can charge up to three devices AT THE SAME DAMN TIME. No more fighting a gaggle of 12-year-olds for the last remaining outlet at the airport. This 10,000mAh battery pack has you covered.
Half of all of today's technology is developed around perfecting the art of the selfie. Once you accept that, you may say hello to the Picbot. This little robot rotates and uses facial recognition technology to take selfies, freeing you to keep your attention elsewhere, be it cooking, balling, or just taking another selfie with a different device. Rumor has it that Zeus considered it a great gift for Narcissus, but then he remembered Narcissus was dead.
Zeus isn't the only deity who's a fan of our merch. Tesla: God Of Thunder is obsessed with this TAMO Forever Steel Lightning Cable. (Get it?) And Only Zuul would INSIST on drinking their Manhattans out of this Levitating X Cocktail Cup.
For even more cool deals, check out These Nifty Gadgets Are Like The Name Brand (But Cheaper).
Things could always be much, much worse.
You've probably never heard of it.
The cops will come swooping in the seconds the credits roll.