The Truth Behind The Upcoming Monopoly Movie

By:: Cody Johnston

November 21, 2009

Recently, the writer of the upcoming movie based on Monopoly discussed the plot and what we can expect in the movie. In the movie, a "lovable loser" is really good at Monopoly and "they kid him about this girl and they're playing the game and there's this big fight," then... wait for it... he wakes up inside the game! As far as I can tell, this Monopoly movie is just a poor man's Jumanji movie, which is just a poor man's Clue movie, which is a good movie. Remember how Clue doesn't involve the actual board game Clue and doesn't have characters going into said board game and eventually escaping said board game until all the characters have said "board game" enough to make you realize you're watching a movie written by 5^th graders for 2^nd graders? Remember how that didn't happen?

metaphor The writer says in his synopsis that he tries to have all these little nods to the game like "a sports car pulls up, there's someone on a horse, someone pushing a wheelbarrow," because when I think of Monopoly, I think "sports car." And I'm pretty sure however many characters you have Rich Uncle Pennybags play (he describes four), the "nod to the game" is the fact that the protagonist plays the game and, you know, goes inside the game. I was "lucky" enough to be the writer's assistant during the inception of this film, and will now give you a firsthand look at the inner workings of Hollywood magic. This is how it went down, to the best of my made up recollection. "Are we still going ahead with that Monopoly movie?" "Absolutely, sir." "Do we have a story yet?" "You're the writer." "I know, but... do you have any ideas?" "Actually, I do. It would kind of take into account our current economic climate. The game Monopoly is based on real estate, capitalism, getting out of jail for free, going bankrupt, and buying things with fake money, so it would be kind of a deconstruction and play on our prison system, banking/credit system, real estate.... And it would all be in front of the cartoonish backdrop of the Monopoly game. I think it could be a really silly and occasionally pointed satire. Also, we can use songs like Money by Pink Floyd or Money by The Beatles or Money by-" "Leave the writing to the writers, Cody. You're not a writer. You're an internet comedy writer." "You asked me..." "What else do we have?" "We have this DVD of Jumanji..." "Do we have a DVD player?" "No, sir." "Do you remember what happens in it?" "In Jumanji, sir?" "YES, in Jumanji." "The game comes alive or they go in the game or something." "Did they mention Monopoly in it?" "I don't think so, sir." "So, theoretically, if we were to have the game come alive or have someone go into the game or whatever, but it's with Monopoly... it won't have been done before?" "Technically no, but-" "What should we call the place he wakes up in?" "Well, if it's a city and it's based on Monopoly, I would say-" "Monopoly City! PERFECT!" "Actually, I was going to say Monopolis, because... you know... Metropolis... City... Monopoly... Monopolis?" "Monopoly City it is. You're a genius. The other day, my friends were teasing me about a girl. Could we put that in there?" "I mean, yeah, we could put that in there, but what does that even mean? The guy's friends-" "-Tease him about a girl, yes." "..."

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"We should also have villains." "Like-" "-The Parker Brothers. Brilliant." "How does that-" "And they'll play each other in a game of Monopoly IN the game of Monopoly." "Fine, but can we at least call it Monopoly 1: Jumanji 2?" "Why?" "Because it would be hilarious." "I'll think about it." "Do you have an ending yet, sir?" "I do, indeed." "Can I guess it?" "CORRECTLY?!? I doubt it!" "Our schlubby hero defeats the Parker Brothers (with a little help from Rich Uncle Pennybags!) and saves Monopoly Town or Townopoly or whatever, then he wakes up because it's probably a dream the whole goddamn time like in Vanilla Sky, which is just a poor man's Abren Los Ojos, which is just a poor man's North, which is a stupid movie. Anyway, whatever bullshit lesson he learned from defeating the Parker Brothers helps him with the girl he was teased about earlier, as well as with the Monopoly tournament (which he wins because he had it in him all along (or which he loses because he realizes it's just a game and other things are more important)). Then the credits roll as we listen to a song that was popular 15 years ago, like All Star or something from Dookie." "I was actually thinking about Ants Marching." "Why?" "If a Monopoly board game had citizens, they would look like ants from all the way up here." "From all the way up where, sir?" "From wherever I'm playing Monopoly!" "So aside from the Ants Marching bit, I was right?" "Absolutely. I'm leaning towards him winning because he had it in him all along."

"Can I pitch a movie to you, sir?" "Anytime, champ." "It's called Board Game and- "More like Bored Game." "..." "..." "It's about this guy with a name that rhymes with "sorry" and he's a real nerd when it comes to the game SORRY! The thing is, though, he's really impolite and never says "sorry" in his regular life, only he does say "sorry" when he's playing SORRY! Also he has a crush on a girl and his friends Milton and Bradley pull his leg about it. ALSO he's really good at Connect Four, Trouble, LIFE, and UPWORDS. He gets ragged on and has his leg pulled about the girl again, then he falls asleep and wakes up in Board Game Land and-" "-More like Bored Game Land." "You said I could pitch a movie to you anytime." "..." "He ends up in Board Game Land, which is just a bunch of different board games, only bigger. He has to defeat something or other and all of the sudden he's a player in a game of SORRY! and, a certain number of spaces later, our hero defeats the blue guy or the yellow guy or the cards but, oh no, now he's in a game of LIFE!" "Oh, no!" "There would be all these little nods to the game like he's a little blue stick and his wife is a little pink stick and all the cars are made of non-malleable plastic and have to be pushed by giant hands. Then he's in Trouble and he has to save some dice. THEN he goes into other board games and there would be all these little nods to those games like he'd have to climb a bunch of words or there would be a chute in the background or Uncle Pennybags would show up as a thimble instructor. The protagonist defeats all the things with the inner power of his whatever and wakes up feeling much more confident about having a crush on that girl. He tells his friends off, and they apologize for pulling his leg but not for ragging on him. At the end there's a lesson about having good manners, embracing life, getting out of trouble, spelling correctly, and connecting four. For the end credits we can get Aerosmith to write a song called "Sorry" or "Board Game" only it would sound exactly like Crazy, Amazing, and Crying, which all sound the same anyway."

"I love it." "There would also be dialogue, probably." "Either way." Later that day I was promoted to King of Movies. Even later that day, though, I got my hand cut off and I had to use the Force to get my sister to come pick me up. That's from Star Wars.- -King of Movies