The 8 People Who Will Ruin Your Attempt to Lose Weight
It's damn hard to lose weight and just generally get in shape. Americans are getting fatter every year, and 80 percent of people who lose weight gain it all back. Why does it seem so impossible?
Part of the reason is willpower and genetics, blah, blah, blah, but a big part of it is other people. Here are some of those often well-meaning monsters you must overcome in your battle to get healthy.
People Who Think They Are Doctors
Tell other people that you're trying to get in shape, and inevitably, someone will chime in about how calorie counting is a waste of time and it's all about carbs, or superfoods, or "muscle confusion," or some other magic bullet that renders all other aspects of getting in shape moot.
These people aren't doctors and don't even play them on TV, but they still authoritatively dispense advice about how our bodies were made to handle all-meat diets or all-grain diets and outline detailed eating schedules they claim will trick your body and increase your metabolism.
What happens is they read a blog or watched Dr. Oz or a P90X commercial, and are now regurgitating their confused recollection of it as if it were fact. They don't remember half the details, they just remember how excited they were to find out something boring they previously took for granted (eat less and exercise more and you lose weight) was really untrue, and something unexpected and exciting was true in its place! This is, after all, Cracked's secret to success.
Strangely enough, it seems to afflict moms more than any other segment of the population, probably because women are more interested in health news, and moms are more interested than any other population group in giving advice and meddling in people's lives (their kids' lives, specifically).
If you can't tune these people out, it can really take the wind out of your sails when you're starting out on a simple diet and exercise regimen and don't see much progress at first (which is normal), and start to doubt if you're on the right track. With people spouting specialized theories at you about how weight loss "really" works, and why what you're doing is never going to work, it's pretty easy to just stop going to the gym the first day you feel tired.
People Who Are Cartoonishly Supportive About Body Image
Everybody knows that society is oppressing us with ridiculous standards of body image, especially when it comes to women, and that we all need to do our part to reverse it by making normal-sized people feel confident in themselves and stop them from thinking they are fat.
That's totally correct, but all good things can be taken too far. Some people think that it is always 100 percent wrong to ever admit anyone is fat and have a confused notion that to ever agree with anyone that they are overweight is to become one of society's oppressors. If someone who is actually overweight says, "Oh man do I need to lose some weight," these people's knee-jerk reaction will be, "Oh no! What are you talking about! You're totally fine the way you are!" without even looking at them.
This happens the most when someone is just slightly overweight, like by 25 pounds or so, because that segment of the population -- slightly overweight women -- is the one we think needs the most coddling in terms of self-esteem, the most prone to spiraling into self-hate and anorexia at the slightest provocation. For some people, body image is a very sensitive thing, and a lot of tact is needed, but many people are actually capable of talking about being overweight as a matter-of-fact problem, like if their roof was leaking or their car broke down.
It can be a bit condescending when this kind of handle-with-care attitude comes from people who should know you really well and know you're not a fragile flower who needs any comment about their appearance addressed with gentle euphemisms and patronizing reassurances.
In practice, it's a big pain in the nuts when people exchange meaningful looks when you order a salad for lunch and tell you with misplaced concern that you're just fine and try to pressure you into getting a burger. It might be appropriate concern in the case of an actual anorexic, but not for someone whose doctor has told them they are 30 lbs. overweight and their cholesterol is in the danger zone.
People Who Take Food Too Personally
Food isn't just food in our culture, or in anyone's. Weddings always come with banquets, family get-togethers on Thanksgiving and Christmas are centered around elaborate meals with specific dishes, birthdays require cakes, big political and business deals are made at power lunches, and first dates are almost always about judging the other person's restaurant behavior.
So yeah, food means more than food to everyone, whether they know it or not. Again, some people take a normal thing too far and become absolutely dogmatic about what food means. If we don't have a Thanksgiving turkey this year it's not a real Thanksgiving! If Grandma doesn't make her secret cranberry sauce recipe, Christmas is ruined! If someone doesn't eat your birthday cake, they don't really care about your birthday! This can only mean they wish you were never born!
So if you're on a diet, or you have food allergies, or you're a vegan, and you have to turn down a slice of someone's birthday cake, some people can take it as some kind of personal statement against them. Even worse are the birthday police, where it's not even their birthday, but they feel obligated to get offended on behalf of the birthday person and sometimes jokingly pressure you with, "Oh come on, it's Eric's birthday. He only has a birthday once a year."
The problem is that the 40 people in your department at work might have birthdays up to 40 times a year, and 40 days of cake (plus holidays and anniversaries and weddings and cruises) can really do some damage to a diet. And if I eat Eric's cake but not Jane's cake, that's going to send even more of an unintended social message.
People Who Never Think It's Good Enough
Everyone knows about the stereotypical Asian parent that sees their kid's straight-A report card and asks, "Why no A+?" This kind of joke is apparently very funny to people without such parents but just depressing and straightforwardly true to people who have them.
Well, you get the exact same kind of people when it comes to getting in shape. Tell them you're going to stop drinking soda and drink only water, and they'll say, "That's not going to do anything, you're still eating burgers for lunch and playing video games all day." Tell them you're going to take a half-hour walk at lunch every day and they'll snort derisively and say, "You know the amount of calories you burn in one walk isn't even enough to make up for one banana, right?"
Pretty much nobody outside of movies ever switches lifestyles overnight, suddenly cutting fat from their diet, exercising five times a week, quitting video games and TV, swapping pasta for quinoa and steak for tofu. Almost everyone who's successfully turned their weight around started out with one "useless" change, like exercising once a week or subbing water for soda. (I put "useless" in quotes because dropping one extra large soda can save you 500 calories just like that.)
Losing weight after being fat for a long time seems like a monumentally impossible task, like climbing Mt. Everest, or in some cases, a flight of stairs. Either way, going from the way you are to being a "normal" weight can sometimes seem like a ridiculous fantasy. That's why when you succeed with changing one tiny habit, it can change your whole perspective. It's not this monstrous solid mountain you have to overcome, it's just a big pile of stones, and you just easily picked one up and moved it. It's not about heaving the whole thing aside with some supernatural effort, it's just about moving one stone at a time. And the first one wasn't so bad, so you're stoked to grab a couple more.
That's why when a "friend" says, "Ha ha, you dipshit, what good is that one stone going to do you?" you want to clock them. And maybe you should, that will burn a good five calories.
Overly Spontaneous People
Sticking to an exercise/diet routine depends a lot on planning and routine. Some plans have a once-a-week splurge worked in, maybe a Pig-out Friday to let the pressure out, so you can get back to the grind on Saturday. If you're taking exercise classes -- martial arts, boot camp, yoga, pole dancing -- you might only be able to go certain days of the week.
Spontaneous people can throw this all out of whack. Friends who call you up and ask if you want to go out to dinner in the city -- and it turns out their reservation is an hour from now. Or friends who just came from out of town and forgot to tell you ahead of time, but they're leaving tomorrow. Someone who just realized it was so-and-so's birthday and "we have to do something." Or maybe parents that drop by unexpectedly with home-cooked dinners because "you're so busy."
Once in a while, spontaneity is great, but too many free spirits, helpful parents and poor planners in your life can add up to four pig-out nights a week, a month of missing kung fu classes and a completely sabotaged diet.
Family Members Who Are Not On A Diet
The people most in a position to ruin your diet without meaning to are family members that aren't on a diet. They don't have to be sadists who keep going, "Mmmmmmm," while eating burgers in front of you. Even if they're totally supportive of your diet, there are just logistical problems.
Say you want to go out for breakfast, and they want to go down to the local greasy spoon diner because you can all objectively agree they have the best breakfast in town, with the bacon and the eggs and the omelets and what, no dish under 2,000 calories. Maybe you could get away with ordering a bowl of fruit but the waitress would look at you funny and the fruit would smell funny and appear to be about 10 days old.
On the other hand, the places that meet your diet plan are places like Subway, and forcing a spouse to eat at Subway with you counts as domestic abuse in many states.
If you cook at home, it's not really practical to make separate dishes for each person, so in reality, you pretty much get to go vegetarian with your spouse or your spouse doesn't go vegetarian. Even if you're just cutting fat, you can't cut the heavy cream out of just your bowl of clam chowder and not the rest of the pot. (Note: If you can think of a way to do this, please let me know.)
It's not completely impossible to switch to a healthy diet without your family taking one for the team and sacrificing some delicious foods from their diet, but being able to do it usually takes some convoluted planning or just black magic.
People Who Make Fun Of Your Stupid Exercise Routine
I'm not saying it's wrong to make fun of people for doing Jazzercise, Tae-bo, Zumba, yoga, powerwalking, soccer, pole dancing fitness or martial arts as an adult, and we as Americans have a duty to come up with humorous quips about our friends' manhood or coolness or funny-looking neon-colored exercise gear, in order to save our declining mainstream sports.
But if your friend is a perennial couch potato who's finally found the motivation to exercise through country line dancing aerobics, after failing to stick with jogging, walking, MMA and any other cool-people-acceptable exercises, you might want to think twice about whether you might be sabotaging his last chance to not die early of heart disease.
Or if, hypothetically, your doughy, physically inept girlfriend takes up kung fu, maybe you shouldn't greet her with, "Oh look, it's Jackie Chan!" and pretend to be scared of her. Because she might unleash a spinning tornado kick at you. And miss, and hurt her back, and then she can't exercise for two weeks. Is that what you want?
Personally, I was making a lot of progress in my weight loss over the past week, ever since that big biohazard emergency. I guess the mandatory quarantine has helped keep out distractions so I could really focus. The weight has literally been falling off of me, like in actual chunks of flesh, which is a little weird, but I guess that makes sense, how else would fat people get thinner?
The only problem is that lately I just keep running into really delicious looking people, just really pink and fleshy, with brains that just melt in your mouth. They have to be like, a million calories. I guess I just need to start avoiding bunkers and fortified buildings entirely, since they're always chock full of tempting, tasty-looking people.
Damn these people, it's their fault I can't go anywhere these days. Well, that and the fact my feet fell off.
Hey, you're actually looking pretty tasty ...
For more from Christina, check out 5 Reasons Riding a Bike Is The Most Humiliating Exercise and 5 Weight Loss Tips for Cynical Bastards.
Check out Robert Evans' A Brief History of Vice: How Bad Behavior Built Civilization, a celebration of the brave, drunken pioneers who built our civilization one seemingly bad decision at a time.