The passing of the holidays means a new year is underway (according to my sources), and with a new year comes a whole new slate of things to look forward to. New movies, new television shows, new ridiculously funny and dare I say ruggedly handsome Cracked columnists and, my personal favorite, new music. As much as I'd love to unleash my inner music snob and burden you with my extensive list of obscure albums to look forward to in 2012, the fact that just about every music site on the planet has already released their own version of that list is standing in the way. So, in lieu of filling your day with hope and optimism for the state of music in the coming year, I'm going to spend a few paragraphs making fun of people instead. Hope you don't mind. Here are the seven least anticipated albums of 2012.
Insane Clown Posse -- The Mighty Death Pop!
Release Date: May 29 Record Label: One with particularly low standards. They probably own it. If not, I have no explanation for how this keeps happening. The Sad Details: Are you an overweight 14-year-old who feels like your parents don't understand you? If so, this is probably the album for you. Also, shut the hell up. It's not that your parents don't understand you, it's just that raising a child who wears clown makeup without being paid for it means they rightfully view you as a massive disappointment. As for the rest of you, I doubt you need me to tell you all the myriad reasons why a new ICP album is not an event that should be greeted with fanfare and adulation. But I'm going to anyway, because there is literally nothing on this earth more enjoyable than angering Juggalos. For one thing, a new ICP album means that, no matter how hard we've prayed for it, Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope or whatever they're calling themselves these days have not perished in a fiery plane crash. Which, when you really think about it, makes perfect sense. Death by plane crash is a fate mostly reserved for legends. These two have no right being in that club, even if it would make the world a much better place. That doesn't mean we can't daydream about it, though. In fact, let's all pause to do just that right now.
I trust that looking at this picture will help.
That felt good, right? Imagining a world with 100 percent less Insane Clown Posse in it? Yeah, well, the fact that this album is on the horizon means the celebrity tragedy the world most wants has yet to occur. Bummer. OK, that's a little harsh. I hereby retract my wish that ICP die in a plane crash. But still, this is literally the worst "band" on the planet, with all due respect to Nickelback. So that's a good reason to not look forward to this album, also.
Scorpions -- Comeblack
Release Date: January 24 Record Label: Something German, I bet. Volkswagen, maybe?
The Sad Details: You might remember Scorpions as the band who rocked you like a hurricane in the early '80s and then used the resulting winds of change from that hurricane to bring down the Berlin Wall as the decade ended. That's my poetic way of saying that these clowns had two hits, "Rock You Like a Hurricane" and "Wind of Change," and that Germany thinks one of them had something to do with the end of communism.
The Berlin Wall thing isn't a complete joke, though, even if the band is. You see, their song "Wind of Change" is considered by many to be the "song of German reunification." This completely ignores the fact that the song was released after the Berlin Wall came down, but since when are we expecting rationality out of Germany? Seeing as how the people somehow believed this band was capable of producing a ballad so full of power that it could bring communism to its knees before the song was even released, you probably won't be shocked to know that Scorpions have never really gone away in Germany.
It's just here in the States that most people assume the band quit music to pursue their true calling as busboys and such. But, there are bad times on the horizon for Scorpions fans. The band has decided to retire. Read the title of that album carefully. It's not Comeback, it's Comeblack
. The album consists entirely of rerecorded versions of their "classics" (both of them) and covers of famous songs from the 1960s. Because there is no better way to thank your loyal fans for their decades of support than to release a bullshit cover album in one last desperate cash grab.
Adam Lambert -- Trespassing
Release Date: March 20 Record Label: Wherever American Idol runners-up go to die The Sad Details: Well, happy birthday to me! On the same day I'll be celebrating my seventh annual 29th birthday, the world will receive a gift in the form of a new album from American Idol nonwinner and Freddie Mercury wannabe Adam Lambert. Are you excited about that? If so, you're probably a dude who has both a boyfriend and insanely shitty taste in music or a 12-year-old girl who's too naive to realize that Adam Lambert will never be
your boyfriend. The rest of the world, rightfully, will not care.
But don't let the public's apathy toward former reality show stars lead you to believe for one second that this release won't be met with an absurd amount of praise from people who think being brave enough to come out equates to having talent. I made fun of this guy's first album on a tiny website I used to run, and the resulting avalanche of angry comments could have filled an arena (something Adam Lambert almost certainly can't do at this point).
I'm hoping that particular lightning strikes twice. Nothing would make me happier than to sit back and peruse the comments all day, marveling at my ability to finally bring Juggalos and Adam Lambert fans together to fight on the same side. Unity is a beautiful thing.
Willow Smith -- Willow: You Think You Know Me
Release Date: April 3 Record Label: One that hates us all
The Sad Details: Will Smith has two children. The less obnoxious of the two (solely on the grounds that she wasn't the one who shit on the Karate Kid franchise) is finally, FINALLY releasing her debut album in April. I know what you're thinking. "Hasn't she been torturing us with 'music' for like two years now?" Yes, she has, but those were just singles, man. To really understand Willow Smith, the artiste, you must hear her work as part of a fully realized and cohesive set of songs. At least that's what I'm guessing she hopes to convey with that cocky album title. I certainly don't believe her, and you shouldn't, either. But still, I'm fairly certain that's what we're supposed to believe here. That songs like "Whip My Hair" are just scratching the surface of the talent this kid displays. All that pop nonsense was just a ploy to reel in the fans so she can blindside them with her thought-provoking commentary on the pressing social issues of the day. Either that, or the iTunes download and ringtone cash streams have slowed to the point that they need to find a new way to capitalize on the music buying public's low standards. This should do the trick. It will probably be the best-selling album of the year. And if it is, we'll totally deserve whatever the Mayans think we have coming to us in 2012.
Bret Michaels -- Get Your Rock On
Release Date: Some as yet to be determined but guaranteed sad day in 2012
Record Label: One that probably burns their albums onto CDRs using a $300 laptop and distributes them by hand at NASCAR events The Sad Details: One day, we'll all look back and agree that VH1 ruined the world. The reasons are too numerous to list here, but just know that if I did put that list together, the #1 spot would be dedicated to their decision to thrust Bret Michaels back into the limelight, well after it was assumed by all that a combination of grunge music and Type 1 diabetes had silenced him forever. But we were wrong, and now he's back and determined to stick around. Not even being targeted for death by a Tony Awards backdrop has slowed him down. So, thanks to America's obsession with reality shows about chicks with loose morals, we have to sit back and act like it's not at all strange that we're still getting new Bret Michaels music in 2012. It's a problem natural selection would have otherwise eliminated long ago, until VH1 and their "Celebreality" intervened. This time around, the new album is called
Get Your Rock On
. Nothing lame about that! Expect it to be jam-packed with songs that will provide concertgoers the perfect opportunity to head to the restroom or concession stand until Bret finally gets around to playing whatever 25-year-old Poison song people (meaning rednecks) actually want to hear.
Marilyn Manson -- Born Villain
Release Date: February 2012, in time for Valentine's Day, hopefully Record Label: His own, obviously The Sad Details: I don't know, is this a controversial choice? Are there still people out there clamoring for new Marilyn Manson music? Is the public still divided as to whether or not he's some sort of innovator who deserves our respect, or did everyone finally figure out that he's just Alice Cooper minus the
Personally, I think the last praiseworthy thing Marilyn Manson did was setting Rose McGowan free. But maybe some of you disagree. If so, you're more than welcome to express your displeasure in the comments section. Your ridiculous opinion will be duly noted and ultimately dismissed as the ravings of a lunatic. Listen, anyone not currently plotting to shoot up their high school knows that the days of Marilyn Manson being some sort of edgy counterculture poster boy ended sometime in the mid-'90s. Now, he's just a sad parody of himself, clinging to the idea that his bullshit music speaks to the disaffected masses, when all it really does is disinterest the masses.
Scott Stapp (former lead singer of Creed) -- Somewhere in the Middle of Lust and Love
Release Date: I don't care when. I just want to know how this happened.
Record Label: No, seriously. Tell me. How in the hell is this happening? The Sad Details: Answer me, goddammit! Is this not a menace we have already defeated? Aren't we supposed to be done with Scott Stapp by now? Before I get too emotionally invested in my seething rage, let me sidebar for a moment with the people who might be lucky enough to have never heard of Scott Stapp. He was the lead singer of Creed, a band that dominated the early part of the 2000s (or the "aughts," if you're the type who likes saying things that make people want to slap you). He's responsible for songs like "With Arms Wide Open," which in and of itself is probably enough provocation to get the U.N. to sign off on a formal declaration of war against the United States. He's the type of guy who specializes in being vaguely Christian whenever the opportunity presented itself, only to be filmed
Somewhere Between Lust and Love? What the fuck does that mean? Why not just call the album Like? If there is one bright spot in the story of Scott Stapp's impending return, it's that the album still doesn't have a firm release date. And if the God that Scott Stapp pretends to believe in for record sales purposes does really exist, it never will.