The 7 Hardest People to Shop For: A Holiday Gift Guide
With the end of the Thanksgiving weekend, we enter that long, grim death march known as the holiday season. It's a time marked by cold weather, wet feet and societal pressure to buy thoughtful gifts for your family or, depending on your circumstances, the group of circus oddities who have become like a family to you.We here at Cracked want to help, or more accurately, to pretend to help while we make cheap jokes at your expense. To do this, we've enlisted the aid of thousands of spies to track our readership and identify the most problematic people they'll have to shop for this holiday season. Then, using the personal shopping abilities granted to us by a powerful alien ring, we compiled the following Gift Guide.
#7. Gifts For Someone You Don't Like Very MuchMost folks try to avoid people they don't like very much, but around the holiday season that can prove difficult, especially if one of them is your kid. Should you find yourself in the circumstance of having to buy a present for some prick, here's a list of gifts any prick will be sure to hate.Non-Alcoholic WhiskeyTo the uninitiated, whiskey possesses a flavor best described as "angry fire." It is generally agreed to be an acquired taste, and if it weren't for its great redeeming attribute -- lots of sweet, nourishing alcohol -- few people would even bother acquiring the taste at all.And here is the drink for those few people. Arkay Non-Alcoholic Whiskey Flavored Beverage is a mockery of nature and human accomplishment, a war-crime against common sense, the single beverage guaranteed to please no one. Its very existence is a testament that when left unrestrained, science can produce monsters. __ A BoobytrapThis gift is less for someone you don't like very much, and more for someone you think would be better off with less hands. That might sound extreme, unless you were raised by a television and don't really understand consequences, in which case it sounds fine, and you're also angry at us for using long words like "consequences." Just be careful. Maybe get it wrapped at the store. Classic treachery-themed presents include: - A stocking with a mousetrap in it. - A stocking with a bunch of feral mice in it. - A Pringles can that contains a snake and few Pringles. - A wooden horse full of soldiers. - A huge basket of acid.__
#6. Gifts For Someone You Like Way More Than Is AppropriateWhether she's a crush who doesn't know you exist, or a really attractive aunt, you've got a certain special someone in your life. Regardless of whether she (or society) wants her to be that special someone in your life, a gift is in order. And you need something to make a statement; something that when unwrapped will make her gasp, and stop all conversation in the room, and really, all conversation for miles.Something Way Too ExpensiveThere is a certain natural relationship between the expense of a gift and how close you are with the giftee. Someone whom you don't know very well would typically expect a token gift, something which implies more thought was given than money, and not much of either. You don't want to do that. You want to fly way past that, like two-months salary past it, blowing the fucking doors off standard gift-giving conventions. In that case, try this diamond tennis bracelet: The 36 diamonds says, "I just spent seven thousand dollars on you," and the tennis bracelet says, "I am so dangerously out of touch with reality that I don't know that no one wears tennis bracelets. Isn't that quirky and fun?
#5. Gifts For A Single PersonThis is likely to be a pretty common shopping chore for many of you, if only because of the later age at which we're all marrying these days, and the fact that Cracked readers and their friends are so clammy and unlovable. Alcoholic Whiskey"I don't need your fucking rules, wall!" your friend will scream, attempting to show a wall who the boss of their apartment is, an interaction indebted to the magic of alcoholic whiskey. Reveling in the successful roughing in of a new door, your friend will forget all about his relationship troubles, as per the instructions on the accompanying card: "To Help You Forget Your Relationship Troubles." The preferred brand of alcoholic whiskey is Old Grand-Dad Whiskey, due to its distinct "alcoholy" nose and body. A whiskey for those who are single, or who soon will be. __
#4. Gifts For A Father Embarrassed By YouIt's become harder for the youth of today to get ahead in the world. Back when our parents roamed the earth, it may have been possible to get a good job with a high school education, but today? Even a bachelor's degree is no guarantee you're getting a job where you get to sit down. Also, we have Xboxes now, and those take some time. In any event, you now have a dad who lies to his friends when they ask him how you're doing. Here's what to get him for Christmas.A JobIn The Secret Of My Success, Michael J. Fox parlays his position working in the mailroom of some kind of business-company into a wheeling-dealing executive role. He does this by showing up in a suit and sitting down in an empty office. He walks the walk and talks the talk -- that's all it takes. He also forgoes the use of elevators, traveling everywhere by champagne. You probably have a job of some sort, even if it's volunteer Xbox Live tester, so you're going to try this for yourself. - Go down to the thrift store; - Get a suit; - Put on the suit; - Bullshit your way into a better job; - Panic when someone looks at you funny; - Spend the rest of the day hiding in the washroom; - In your panicked confusion, take a picture of yourself in the washroom to prove to your dad that you got a good job; - Give that picture to dad; - Hold back your tears when he stares at you and ask if you're doing "Weird bathroom porn" now; - Mumble something about dental benefits.__
#3. Gifts For Bruce WayneBruce Wayne's obviously a fictional character, so unless you're insane and have trouble distinguishing reality from written works, we're going to assume you're trying to buy a gift for a Bruce Wayne-like friend. You know, a rich guy who already has everything, who lives in a mansion perched on a porous limestone bluff and shows up to work with mysterious bruises every day.Obviously expensive gifts aren't going to impress him; you're going to have to go for something small and thoughtful. Something that says yes, you've deduced he's the masked vigilante wailing on street-thugs every night, but that you're willing to keep his secret. Implicit in this gift is that your silence will cost him some sort of grossly expensive bribe-present, like a boat encrusted in jewels, or a tiger with massive spinning rims.ConcealerThis concealer set is the perfect way to say, "I care," and "If you need to talk about your terrible home life, I'm here for you." Also, "You look like you got your ass kicked by 12 guys dressed in plant-themed costumes last night." __
#2. Gifts For Someone On The Run From The LawBy their very nature, many Cracked readers find themselves living on the fringes of society, picking at scabs, inventing fetishes and otherwise lurking in the long shadows cast by civilization's distant light. In this crowd, it's a surety that a healthy number of Cracked readers' acquaintances will find themselves on the wrong side of a legal matter this holiday season. How can you shop for someone who needs to pack light and doesn't want many seizable assets?Disguise KitThis might seem like an obvious gift, but remember that disguises often have to be disposed of, and your giftee will always have a need for fresh faces, whether fleeing from U.S. Marshals, or engaged in some kind of Mrs. Doubtfire type child custody hijinx. These choices from the Heroes of History collection seem particularly daring. __
Related: The 6 Creepiest Gifts Ever Given
#1. Gifts For Someone Who's Injured Themselves Using NunchuksEvery mother dreads the day her son kills himself with nunchuks. To help your friend's mother rest easy at night, try giving him one of the following gifts. Be sure to tell him why you're doing it. Use the words: "I think about your mother sleeping, a lot," while making eye contact, and keeping a friendly hand on his shoulder. Foam Training Nunchuks These foam training nunchuks are a great way for your friend to practice the various forms, grips and fruity looking twirls of nunchuking, without smashing himself up too much. Nunchuking is embarrassing enough without the long cylindrical bruises on the face, and the childish speculation they provoke amongst bystanders.__
Check out more from Chris in 5 Silver Linings Now That Identity Theft Ruined Your Life and The 6 Most Overhyped Technologies.