The 7 Hardest People to Shop For: A Holiday Gift Guide
With the end of the Thanksgiving weekend, we enter that long, grim death march known as the holiday season. It's a time marked by cold weather, wet feet and societal pressure to buy thoughtful gifts for your family or, depending on your circumstances, the group of circus oddities who have become like a family to you.We here at Cracked want to help, or more accurately, to pretend to help while we make cheap jokes at your expense. To do this, we've enlisted the aid of thousands of spies to track our readership and identify the most problematic people they'll have to shop for this holiday season. Then, using the personal shopping abilities granted to us by a powerful alien ring, we compiled the following Gift Guide.
#7. Gifts For Someone You Don't Like Very Much
Most folks try to avoid people they don't like very much, but around the holiday season that can prove difficult, especially if one of them is your kid. Should you find yourself in the circumstance of having to buy a present for some prick, here's a list of gifts any prick will be sure to hate.Non-Alcoholic WhiskeyTo the uninitiated, whiskey possesses a flavor best described as "angry fire." It is generally agreed to be an acquired taste, and if it weren't for its great redeeming attribute -- lots of sweet, nourishing alcohol -- few people would even bother acquiring the taste at all.And here is the drink for those few people. Arkay Non-Alcoholic Whiskey Flavored Beverage is a mockery of nature and human accomplishment, a war-crime against common sense, the single beverage guaranteed to please no one.
Its very existence is a testament that when left unrestrained, science can produce monsters.__
Just be careful. Maybe get it wrapped at the store.Classic treachery-themed presents include: - A stocking with a mousetrap in it. - A stocking with a bunch of feral mice in it. - A Pringles can that contains a snake and few Pringles. - A wooden horse full of soldiers. - A huge basket of acid.__
Obviously though, some objects are better than others.__
#6. Gifts For Someone You Like Way More Than Is AppropriateWhether she's a crush who doesn't know you exist, or a really attractive aunt, you've got a certain special someone in your life. Regardless of whether she (or society) wants her to be that special someone in your life, a gift is in order. And you need something to make a statement; something that when unwrapped will make her gasp, and stop all conversation in the room, and really, all conversation for miles.
"I got you the golden lasso to go with it, but I got it ... dirty ... before I could wrap it."__A Teddy Bear With a Webcam In ItNot a big webcam obviously, because you don't want to come off as creepy. These things are often marketed as "nanny-cams" and are intended for parents to surreptitiously monitor their childcare workers, but no one really checks that when you're buying them.
"It even comes with a clear dome-shaped playhouse that we can mount on the ceiling!"
#5. Gifts For A Single PersonThis is likely to be a pretty common shopping chore for many of you, if only because of the later age at which we're all marrying these days, and the fact that Cracked readers and their friends are so clammy and unlovable. Alcoholic Whiskey"I don't need your fucking rules, wall!" your friend will scream, attempting to show a wall who the boss of their apartment is, an interaction indebted to the magic of alcoholic whiskey. Reveling in the successful roughing in of a new door, your friend will forget all about his relationship troubles, as per the instructions on the accompanying card: "To Help You Forget Your Relationship Troubles." The preferred brand of alcoholic whiskey is Old Grand-Dad Whiskey, due to its distinct "alcoholy" nose and body.
A whiskey for those who are single, or who soon will be.__
"Yeah. Uggggh. Oh ... Yeah ..... Oh. Oh. OH! ORATION!"
#4. Gifts For A Father Embarrassed By YouIt's become harder for the youth of today to get ahead in the world. Back when our parents roamed the earth, it may have been possible to get a good job with a high school education, but today? Even a bachelor's degree is no guarantee you're getting a job where you get to sit down. Also, we have Xboxes now, and those take some time. In any event, you now have a dad who lies to his friends when they ask him how you're doing. Here's what to get him for Christmas.A JobIn
He also forgoes the use of elevators, traveling everywhere by champagne.You probably have a job of some sort, even if it's volunteer Xbox Live tester, so you're going to try this for yourself. - Go down to the thrift store; - Get a suit; - Put on the suit; - Bullshit your way into a better job; - Panic when someone looks at you funny; - Spend the rest of the day hiding in the washroom; - In your panicked confusion, take a picture of yourself in the washroom to prove to your dad that you got a good job; - Give that picture to dad; - Hold back your tears when he stares at you and ask if you're doing "Weird bathroom porn" now; - Mumble something about dental benefits.__
A sturdy handshake, a Ziploc bag full of leftovers and the sound of a deadbolt turning as you crunch down the driveway -- that's what Christmas means to you now.__Something You Made Out of WoodThis is the gift to try if you're still pretending you can win back dad's approval. All fathers have an innate appreciation for wooden things, and if you claim that you made it yourself, you're sure to win many style points. "Claim" is the key word here, because obviously with all that
A third option is to just make another one of these ...
#3. Gifts For Bruce WayneBruce Wayne's obviously a fictional character, so unless you're insane and have trouble distinguishing reality from written works, we're going to assume you're trying to buy a gift for a Bruce Wayne-like friend. You know, a rich guy who already has everything, who lives in a mansion perched on a porous limestone bluff and shows up to work with mysterious bruises every day.Obviously expensive gifts aren't going to impress him; you're going to have to go for something small and thoughtful. Something that says yes, you've deduced he's the masked vigilante wailing on street-thugs every night, but that you're willing to keep his secret. Implicit in this gift is that your silence will cost him some sort of grossly expensive bribe-present, like a boat encrusted in jewels, or a tiger with massive spinning rims.ConcealerThis concealer set is the perfect way to say, "I care," and "If you need to talk about your terrible home life, I'm here for you."
Also, "You look like you got your ass kicked by 12 guys dressed in plant-themed costumes last night."__
It comes in two flavors, Cherry Charge and Asian Experience, and if you're not drinking Asian Experience, we don't know what you're doing reading this site.__
Pros: The chapter on chafing control alone is full of useful tips. Cons: Illustrated.__
#2. Gifts For Someone On The Run From The LawBy their very nature, many Cracked readers find themselves living on the fringes of society, picking at scabs, inventing fetishes and otherwise lurking in the long shadows cast by civilization's distant light. In this crowd, it's a surety that a healthy number of Cracked readers' acquaintances will find themselves on the wrong side of a legal matter this holiday season. How can you shop for someone who needs to pack light and doesn't want many seizable assets?Disguise KitThis might seem like an obvious gift, but remember that disguises often have to be disposed of, and your giftee will always have a need for fresh faces, whether fleeing from U.S. Marshals, or engaged in some kind of Mrs. Doubtfire type child custody hijinx.
These choices from the Heroes of History collection seem particularly daring.__
"Hey warden, do you think the fact that you've arrested twelve thousand men for the same liquor store robbery should tell you something funny is going on?"
#1. Gifts For Someone Who's Injured Themselves Using NunchuksEvery mother dreads the day her son kills himself with nunchuks. To help your friend's mother rest easy at night, try giving him one of the following gifts. Be sure to tell him why you're doing it. Use the words: "I think about your mother sleeping, a lot," while making eye contact, and keeping a friendly hand on his shoulder. Foam Training Nunchuks These foam training nunchuks are a great way for your friend to practice the various forms, grips and fruity looking twirls of nunchuking, without smashing himself up too much. Nunchuking is embarrassing enough without the long cylindrical bruises on the face, and the childish speculation they provoke amongst bystanders.__
On the downside, the brim helps keeps the sun out of the eyes, which removes one of the excuses for failed nunchuk mastery.__
It may even prevent him from degenerating further and buying sais.Obviously obtaining lithium is tricky without a compliant doctor, but remember that a lot of batteries have lithium in them these days, so maybe throw a couple of those in a blender and see what happens. Worst case scenario, he gets to meet a real doctor.Actually, we've just checked with our lawyers, and there may be worse case scenarios when trying this, so, you know, wear a helmet.__
Check out more from Chris in 5 Silver Linings Now That Identity Theft Ruined Your Life and The 6 Most Overhyped Technologies.