The 5 Most Clearly Insane Public Figures Endorsing McCain
Rev. John Hagee
The Endorsement: Hagee is senior pastor of a huge San Antonio church and CEO of GETV, a “non-denominational charismatic church group” overseeing Evangelical programming for 160 TV stations, 50 radio stations, and eight dedicated Christian TV networks. You’d be hard pressed to find a more expansive and powerful propaganda machine without releasing a cloud of nanobots. And by the way, “charismatic” doesn’t mean he’ll talk you into a new Pontiac; it means his church believes in tongues, faith healing, and assorted other God magics. So from McCain’s point of view, here’s a guy who can get on TV and tell 90 million Christians that God wants them to vote Republican in November, and he’s got magical powers to back it up. Sweet deal, right?
The Endorsement: If there’s a voting block McCain’s got trouble with aside from the religious right, it’s kids. Let’s face facts: any effort he makes to appear “cool” to today’s youth is just going to come off looking like the “rappin' grandma” from The Wedding Singer. Luckily, kids vote about as often as they pilot experimental aircraft, so there’s not a whole lot of danger to alienating them. But who knows? Today’s kids are slightly more politically active than their forebears, thanks to things like
George Bush (both of them)
Pastor Rod ParsleyThe Endorsement: Our second pastor, Rod Parsley is no John Hagee, at least in terms of drawing power. In fact, if you were a hack comedy writer, you might even describe him as the “garnish” to Hagee’s televangelist meal. And if you were John McCain during the Republican primaries, you might describe him as “one of the truly great leaders in America, a moral compass, a spiritual guide.” But despite his lack of TV stations, Parsley’s no slouch when it comes to uniting a voting block. As founder of more Colleges than DeVry (all Ministerial) and head of the World Harvest Megachurch, he’s definitely got some pull with God. In fact, as the church itself is 122,000 square feet on 57 acres of land, there’s a fairly good chance his church is the only one God could comfortably fit into anyway. And as the saying goes, “if you’ve got God’s vote, you’re halfway there.” Of course, you still need Jolie. Parseley’s also been a guest on
Tran Trong Duyet
The Endorsement: Never heard of Tran Trong Duyet? I guarantee you John McCain remembers every detail of his pocked, scowling face. That’s because Mr. Duyet was the head guy at the “Hanoi Hotel,” the Vietnam prison camp where John McCain and many other American soldiers were held captive and (according to Duyet) NOT tortured at all. What did they do with all their time not being tortured? Why, played volleyball, ate full meals, and discussed philosophy with their friendly, enlightened captors! Duyet says he considers McCain “an old war buddy” and would “definitely vote for him” in the election. He also called McCain a man who is “very loyal to his beliefs and country” and who" never admitted that the Vietnam war was a mistake” during any of their “debates.” I’d wager an inordinate number of those debates were moderated by hot tongs and the phrase “di di mao!” Still, there’s nothing quite like redemption to win over an American heart, and what could be more cathartic than a big on-stage hug between John McCain and his repentant torturer?
When not writing for Cracked, Michael is liveblogging debates!!!