The 4 Most Impressively Weird Sex Lives of U.S. Presidents
When you become president, something in your brain snaps. You're a normal person for a while, and then, as soon as you take your oath on Inauguration Day, the part of your brain that normally makes sure you don't get too weird with sex collapses in on itself, and a new game begins. The rules are different.
And I'm not just talking about infidelity (of which at least Jefferson, Harding, FDR, JFK, LBJ and Clinton were all guilty), and I'm not just talking about regularly having sex outside (of which John Quincy "Without a Doubt Our Ugliest President" Adams was guilty). I'm talking about the weird stuff. The weird stuff.
Lyndon Johnson: Accidental Pimp
Until the people who run the Lyndon B. Johnson National Historical Park respect my many petitions and allow me to dig up LBJ's corpse, we'll never know officially how big his dick was, so we'll just have to take his word for it. Johnson's word was that his dick was huge. Always jealous of the attention that Kennedy got for his sexual escapades, Johnson was never shy about waving his wiener around and telling anyone who would listen that he "had more women by accident than Kennedy had on purpose."
We have it on good authority that this was his O-face.
I've lived a fairly exciting life (I once saw a dog that thought he was people!), but I've never accidentally had sex with anyone. I don't even know how I could, and Johnson managed to do it a whole bunch and still found time to be president.
He used his giant presidential wiener for the things you'd assume he'd use it (peeing, indiscriminate and accidental sex), but also some surprising things as well. According to biographer Robert Dallek, at one point during his presidency, Johnson met with a reporter who repeatedly asked him why American troops were in Vietnam. Frustrated, Johnson unzipped his pants, pulled out his "substantial organ" and shouted "This is why!" The craziest part of this story, which itself is nothing but pure, poop-eating crazy, is that it worked. That answer satisfied the reporter, like "Oh, yeah, when you put it that way, sure. Of course we're in Vietnam -- look at that dick. We should be in all countries. I'd be starting a war on space if I had a dick like yours. Come on, now."
"You men are the lube that protects me from friction burns."
I don't have any more functioning segues, but I have more ridiculous dong stories, so I'm just going to gracelessly move from one to another. Johnson was so sure of his genitaliac superiority that he would invite other world leaders to the White House pool to go skinny dipping before they started diplomatic relations. This was an attempt to "establish genital dominance." He wanted every other leader he was dealing with to know that he was the man in charge. LBJ was the alpha, proudly wielding his dick with the focus and precision of a surgeon.
Also, Johnson called his penis Jumbo, which means that sex journalists like me get to write sentences like "Johnson's jumbo johnson was 'Jumbo,'" which is a real treat for me.
Ulysses S. Grant Is Proudly Not Naked
As badass as he was, President Grant was kind of a prude when it came to public nudity (as we've mentioned in the past). Even though he expected his men to fight and die for him, he refused to shower in front of them. He was the only man who would take his morning showers in the privacy of his tent, because ... we don't know. Grant didn't want any of his men to see him naked. All the other soldiers would shower outside together, bonding, swapping stories about how shitty war is while desperately trying to avoid accidentally looking at each other's butts, and Grant would just hide in his tent, hellbent on making sure that no one saw his (just assuming here) hilariously stupid-looking penis.
It's a fertile subject for historic speculation.
You might think that Grant was hiding his genitals because he wanted to create distance between himself and his men. It's not unreasonable to assume that he kept himself separate so he could always hold himself up as an authority figure. He's not just one of the guys; he's the boss.
But you'd be wrong. It wasn't just his fellow men that Grant hid his genitals from; it was everyone. Late into his 60s, he bragged that no one had seen him naked since he was child, not even the nurses and aides who were assigned to help him in the war. First of all, why would you brag about that? You're trying to win the "Let No One See Me Naked" game that nobody else is playing. Second of all, how? Grant had a wife with whom he had a child, so we have to assume that she was kind of aware of what he looked like naked, right? Because if she didn't ... what? What?
This photo is the closest they ever came to a blowjob.
Between Johnson's accidental sex and Grant's nudity-free sex, I'm really opening up some pretty terrifying and confusing doors in the future of my sexual career.
Related: People Keep Getting Naked On Zoom
Calvin Coolidge Is Sick of Having Sex With His Wife
Here is one of my favorite stories from a book that is exclusively dedicated to stories about how famous people boned. It's about Calvin Coolidge:
One day, the president and Mrs. Coolidge were visiting a government farm. Soon after their arrival, they were taken off on separate tours. When Mrs. Coolidge passed the chicken pens, she paused to ask the man in charge if the rooster copulates more than once a day. "Dozens of times," was the reply. "Please tell that to the president," Mrs. Coolidge requested. When the president passed the pens and was told about the rooster, he asked "Same hen every time?" "Oh no, Mr. President, a different one each time." The president nodded slowly, then said, "Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge."
Yes, that's Calvin Coolidge dressed up as a cowboy. Try to stay calm, ladies.
This idea -- the sensation of men becoming rearoused by the idea or presence of a new female -- is today named after President Coolidge. Ask any of your sexologist friends (I have six sexologist friends, two licensed and four unlicensed), and they'll tell you all about the Coolidge effect. The Coolidge effect is present in males (and some females) of almost every mammalian creature observed. You stick a rat in a cage with a willing female, and you get a sex party. Eventually, the male rat will get tired of sleeping with the same rat and lose his sex drive completely. Until, of course, a new female is introduced, which reignites the rat's sex fire, which he uses to ... burn the female rat's vagina to the ground? This fire metaphor got away from me.
Above: Relationships 101.
Put simply, when a new, willing female is introduced, the brain releases chemicals that are all telling you "leave no willing mate unfertilized."
And we named it after Calvin "Silent but Sexy" Coolidge.
John F. Kennedy: Sex Junkie
You can't bring up the topic of presidents at your neighborhood sex party without someone mentioning John F. Kennedy. According to his friends, no one was off limits to Kennedy, including the wives, sisters and mothers of his closest friends. His list of sexual conquests includes Hollywood actresses like Marilyn Monroe, Jayne Mansfield and Gene Tierney, famous strippers like Blaze Starr, famous painters like Mary Pinchot Meyer and White House staffers like literally every female White House staffer. He had sex all over the White House, from the White House pool, where he regularly swam nude, to the closet of his bedroom, where he regularly put closet stuff.
Still, don't imagine any romantic ideas that JFK was a passionate, incorrigible rake whose only crime was that he loved women too much. Kennedy was less Casanova and more somewhat charming sex addict. To Kennedy, sex was like a sport, or like a Pokemon ... party? Like Pokemonning, like the act of when a person Pokemons, I'm trying to say that Kennedy just wanted to "catch all the sex." He didn't want to be good at sex, and it's possible that he didn't even enjoy it; he just needed it. He once told British Prime Minister Harold Macmillan that if he went too long without sex, he'd get severe headaches. (Three days, by the way. That's how long "too long" is in Kennedy fuck-time.)
"If this plane's a-rockin', please come a-knockin'. Because I'll be done soon and it never hurts to line up more strange."
Sex was a mechanical process for Kennedy (who reportedly said that he couldn't be satisfied unless he'd had a woman at least "three different ways"). He would rarely kiss during sex (to make sure things stayed impersonal), and the women he slept with were left, for the most part, unsatisfied. "Just in terms of the time he spent with a woman, he was a lousy lover. He went in more for quantity than quality," says former Senator George Smathers, one of Kennedy's closest friends.
"I believe this process is what you'd call Pokemonning today," he probably said later.
Presidential sex secrets got your head spinning? Don't let these past Commander-in-Chief sexcapades keep you from casting your vote. Text VSPOT to 38383 to find your nearest poll locations. Seriously - go vote! Courtesy of Virgin Mobile -- they are definitely mobile, but much like these former presidents, they're definitely not virgins.
For more from Dan, check out 3 Internal Monologues from Bad Days in Presidential History and The 5 Most Badass Presidents of All-Time.