The 4 Most Baffling Things Hiding in the 'Avengers 2' Poster
If you noticed your Facebook and Twitter feeds exploding with geeky buzzwords this past weekend, it's because San Diego Comic-Con was going down, and all the major movie studios and comic book companies were blowing geek minds with big reveals of upcoming projects. One of the biggest moments was when Marvel brought all 47 members of the Avengers onto the stage to tease audiences with a glimpse of Avengers: Age of Ultron.
As a part of the unending hype train for the next Avengers movie, Marvel took the piecemeal approach to unveiling their masterpiece of movie marketing: a giant poster featuring Avengers old and new being swarmed by Ultron's robotic army.
It's a gorgeous work. I got my hands on a high-resolution version, zoomed in close, and took in the fine filaments that together form this incredible picture. I've stared at it for a long, long time, examining every minute detail. Through all my gawking and nerd-bonering, I not only gained a greater appreciation of the labor of love this must have been for artists Ryan Meinerding, Charlie Wen, and Andy Park, but got to see some silly details sprinkled throughout the poster. It's a beautiful, chaotic brawl when viewed as a whole, and it's a Where's Waldo? of goofy shit when examined up close. Details like ...
Scarlet Witch Posing for the Camera
Everyone in that poster is in the middle of something. They're busy. They don't have time to care about anything other than trying not to get killed. All but one, that is: Scarlet Witch, who's played by Elizabeth Olsen. Of all the Avengers, she's the only one who noticed that someone set up a canvas and decided to capture this terrifying, unspeakably bonkers moment in human history by painting it. Scarlet Witch couldn't help but notice that an unseen spectator wanted to capture her fierce battle essence, so she struck a sassy pose for the artist as she obliterated a robot's head:
The Hulk's there trying to rip robots off his body, and Captain America is trying to bulldoze his way through a murderous metallic sea -- Scarlet Witch, meanwhile, thinks she's the center of a flash mob. She's bustin' moves and projecting her inner Sasha Fierce. Splatting that robot's head into red mist is just a repercussion of her passionate choreographed dance. And I know she's dancing because she's in the middle of performing the exact move the Backstreet Boys do in the video for "Everybody."
She's an opportunist. Humanity is about to be killed off by a sentient robot and his legion of robot soldiers -- might as well get a modeling contract out of it. And if working it doesn't land her a career worthy of a Kardashian, she'll use her insane power to alter reality as she sees fit to get herself some of the precious mana of fame she richly desires. Work it, girl; get that cover of Cosmo.
Thor's Arm Is the Most Unrealistic Thing in the Entire Picture
There's a lot of silly, fantastical comic book bullshit going on in that poster: a giant monster-man fighting robots, a man dressed as a robot fighting legit robots, two squishy humans with no superpowers who aren't getting ripped apart the way ground beef would if it were thrown at a jet turbine -- lots of suspended disbelief is needed to buy into the world and start having fun. But somehow one very normal thing is the most unrealistic part of the entire poster:
Out of context, I would think that's a picture of a misshapen peanut wearing a glove. In context, it's Thor's right arm. I know he's a god, and I know he's a comic book character, but I don't have arm blindness. I have before and will continue to see what Chris Hemsworth's arms actually look like. The guy's got godly arms because he can suck the protein out of an egg through its shell, and he tucks a horse's pituitary gland in his armpit when he works out so he can absorb horse strength. None of that can make an arm look like a woman who's pregnant on both sides.
His biceps isn't all that crazy. It's his triceps that makes me think Jiffy Pop popcorn is going to spring out through a tear in his skin with a burst of buttery steam. But notice how his left arm isn't nearly as intense:
Conclusion: Thor wields Mjolnir with the left and masturbates with his right. Puzzled solved. Moving on ...
Ultron's Robots Have Giant Buttholes and Vagina Spines
Like I said earlier, the poster is like a Where's Waldo? book with small stories taking place in every nook and cranny. Zoom in to a random spot and you'll find something interesting. So, there I was, zooming in on Scarlett Johansson's cleavage, when I scrolled to the left and saw one of the robots revealing a side of itself that can't be seen on any other robot in the picture:
Looks like these things have buttholes -- big ones, too. Prolapsed human buttholes that have been bronzed like baby shoes. I know, I know -- it's not actually a butthole, just a little design touch added to make the robot taint more visually appealing for the 1/8 of a blurry second you'll probably see it on screen. See, in the age of pause buttons and 4K resolution, every inch of everything has to be packed with detail or else fans will take to the Internet and claim laziness on the part of the designers. If the robot's taint were smooth and devoid of all trace of a pooper instead of looking like a cannonball squeezing through a pinhole in a sheet of aluminum, fans would feel like it was a missed opportunity. Better to have the robots in a constant state of crowning as they give birth to a parking meter than have nothing going on between the legs.
It's better to have a vampire bat for an asshole than no asshole at all.
The metallic genitals don't end there: These robots have vagina spines! I don't mean barbed vaginas -- that would be unseemly. I mean their spines are shaped like flappy vagina wings.
I know what you're thinking: Of all things, how do I know for certain that their spines look like modern art vagina sculptures made of recycled soda cans? Well, because I once wrote an article for another site wherein, for journalistic reasons, I had to closely examine a Fleshlight that was made to look like a cyborg's pussy. I'm not going to post the picture here, but I sure will link to it.
Look at that "cyborg" labia and look at the spine on Ultron's robots -- tell me those things don't look like cousins from the same family of design ideas.
There's a specific look you'll make when someone rubs their hand all over their butt and then tries to touch your face with their shitty butt-hand. Lips become pursed, eyebrows furrow, the eyes hone in on the foul butt-drenched fingers, and the head recedes into the neck in a futile attempt to escape fingers that are laced with butt funk. If you've ever had a bossy older brother, a mean cousin, or an asshole you were unfortunate enough to call your friend, you've probably been tormented with a nasty, foul-smelling hand shoved in your face. If this is something you've experienced, you can sympathize with Hawkeye:
"ew ew Ew Ew Ew EW EW EW EW EW EW."
That robot isn't trying to kill Hawkeye like all his robot friends are trying to kill the other Avengers -- that one went rogue. It shoved its fingers up its whole gaping metal asshole and is tormenting Hawkeye with a shit-littered hand. Hawkeye's trying not to take a whiff of it, so he's turned his head away slightly. He doesn't want to have shit-fingers swirled on his taste buds, so he's sealed his lips shut, and he's summoning the strength of all his muscles to lock down those wispy face flaps like a casino vault. It's just a poster, there's no sound, and yet when I look at that face, I can almost hear what Hawkeye's saying through sealed lips -- a seal periodically broken by failed attempts to blow at the fingers to get them the fuck away: "PFFT-mmmmm-MMMMM-NNNNOOOOOOO! PFFFF-STOPIT-PFFFT!-MMMM-PFFT!"
Look at the face on that robot. Look at the devious snarl:
This particular Ultron robot has a more dastardly plot in mind than simple murder. Why do you think Quicksilver and Captain America are running toward Hawkeye with gritted teeth and desperation in their eyes?
If they don't get there in time, poor, disrespected Hawkeye is going to get the Dirty Sanchez of a lifetime.
Luis would like to thank fellow Cracked writer David Dietle for inspiring this column.