Many of America's chain restaurants sell cheap branded merch for people who base their personalities on their love for Loaded Quesoblasto Poppers. Most establishments have the common decency to limit that inventory to somewhat reasonably priced T-shirts or coffee mugs, which you can at least pretend you stole. But there's no explanation for the other, weirdly expensive items for sale on their websites. For example ...

The $56 Qdoba Women's Blazer

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This distinctly bold blazer is perfect for mixing it up at the office or after work -- assuming, of course, that you work at Qdoba. But to be clear, this swank sport coat is marketed to Qdoba fans, not employees. Spill a little queso on the brand embroidery? No prob, they're the same color! With an easy-to-wear deconstructed style that resists wrinkles, you'll look good all the way up until they throw you out for pretending to be Qbob Qdoba, founder of the chain.

How Much? $47.36, marked down from $55.95!

Who Is This For? "Surprise the one you love," suggest the good folks at the Qdoba Shop. Especially if you really wish they'd stop loving you.

The $144 McDonald's "I'm Lovin' It" Left-Handed Putter

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The "I'm Lovin' It" putter has a computer-milled head for the feel, accuracy, and consistency you need when your hands are slick from a Filet-O-Fish combo. Sure, the emblazoned jingle is 17 years old at this point, but that just makes the club "vintage." Pull that bad boy out of the bag, sink a 12-foot uphill putt, and demand that your opponents chew on your Big Mac. For left-handed ladies, it's also available in pink.

How Much? $144 (marked down from $179)

Who Is This For? Country club southpaws who don't care for the blackened salmon bullshit they're pushing in the El Dorado Dining Room.

$250 Leather Whataburger Cowboy Boots

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These custom-stitched shitkickers let everyone know where you eat lunch. "You'll never look at your boot collection the same way again," claims Whataburger. Give 'em credit; between the Triple Meat Whataburger and the branded boots, that's some seriously thorough use of a dead cow.

How Much? $249.99, which probably isn't an extraordinary amount for leather boots. $249.99 is, however, an extraordinary amount for Whataburger boots.

Who Is This For? "You asked. We answered." That's Whataburger's rationale for creating these atrocities, so really, this is your fault, America.

A $28 Hard Rock Cafe Fedora

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Several restaurant chains sell baseball caps, but only Hard Rock Cafe offers a sweet fedora with a gunmetal grey guitar pin on a faux-leather band for "an added layer of sophistication." Seriously, can you imagine Kid Rock without one of these?

How Much? $28

Who Is This For? Kid Rock. We just said.

A Jersey Mike's Subs ... Amazon Echo Dot?

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This special edition of the Amazon Echo Dot works just like the unbranded version. In other words, it can't make you a grilled pastrami Reuben. It won't even make it easier to order one.

How Much? A regular third-generation Dot goes for $49.99 at full price. This baby sells for $75, so you're getting that sweet Jersey Mike's logo for only a 50% mark-up.

Who Is This For? Guys from Jersey named Mike who love technology but hate typing.

$150 Pizza-Ordering Pizza Hut Shoes

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These aren't just pricey Pizza-Hut-branded shoes. That would be ridiculous. No, these shoes have a button on the tongue that will automatically order a pizza via Bluetooth. You know, in case you want 2,500 pies suddenly showing up to your house because you went jogging.

How Much? Before you get your hopes up, know that $150 was the original retail price of this limited edition item. If you want a pair now, get ready to shell out around $400.

A Rather Dignified $60 Arby's Briefcase

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This slim briefcase is the perfect way to communicate to co-workers that you love processed meat logs and own an up-to-15.6" laptop. (Note: You have to make an account to see the Arby's shop. Yes, seriously.) Generous pockets can hold office essentials, extra packets of Horsey Sauce, and Tuck's medicated wipes.

How Much? $59.95

Who Is This For? Anybody mistakenly trying to impress their new in-laws by pretending to have a corporate job at Arby's.

A $50 In-N-Out Flannel

The 10 Weirdest Things For Sale At Fast Food Restaurants

"What's so weird about that shirt?" you ask. And that's the thing. Other restaurant merch is ostentatious, but this is just a regular, unmarked flannel shirt that everyone on the street will assume was bought for $25 from Old Navy. Only when they're literally inches away from you will they see the microscopic tag that marks this is an official In-N-Out-Burger-branded shirt which you paid twice as much for.

How Much? $49.95

Who Is This For? People who will pay a premium for fast food flannel, but don't want anyone to know. Masochists?

A Dairy Queen Cornhole Game For ... $220?

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It's a Dairy Queen Cornhole Game! Hours of fun for friends and family at tailgates, cookouts, campsites, third-choice fraternities, sad Catholic school carnivals, struggling microbreweries, and other cornhole-appropriate locations.

How Much? A bargain at only $220.

Who Is This For? The American Cornhole Association is the original and official governing body of cornhole. Until it formally sanctions the DQ edition, consider it extremely dangerous.

A $130 In-N-Out Timepiece

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At this point, you have to ask: Is In-N-Out just trying to transition away from the burger thing and into fashion? This elegant jet-black wristwatch features the iconic In-N-Out crossed palms. But once again, you have to squint to detect them, thanks to the black-on-black color scheme, as if the branding was only added reluctantly. Why? What is happening here?

In-N-Out promises that this simple yet sporty design "will keep time for any occasion." And you can see how that would come in handy. They don't even joke about how it's "always time for In-N-Out" -- that's how serious they are about fashion.

How Much? $130

Who Is This For? An undercover super spy trying to take down In-N-Out from the inside.

For more, check out If Fast Food Commercials Were Honest:

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