Stop, Collaborate and Beat Your Wife
As some of the more pop culture knowledgeable readers have already deduced from that headline, Vanilla Ice was arrested yesterday on a battery charge. Apparently, his wife bought an expensive bedroom set and, as a result, Vanilla pushed her, right in front of their daughter. I...I'm sorry, I can't just report on this story. I have a confession, Readers, and I need your advice on this one. I have such a guilty conscience, and I feel like I may somehow be responsible for Ice's actions. Let me just start at the beginning. I'll tell you this story, and you let me know if I could have done anything to prevent this mess. Last Friday, I was at Jay-Z and Beyonce's wedding. Don't beat yourself up if you weren't invited, the guest list was very small. Mostly just family, Kanye, Dame, me, Vanilla Ice, some of the Nets and Nas, (they're cool now). I think one of Destiny's children was in attendance do, but hell if I know. Beyonce and I don't really get along. (I didn't like Dreamgirls. Fucking kill me.) It was a beautiful ceremony. Nas gave an inspiring speech as the best man and Kanye released, like, a thousand doves, (motherfucker loves doves, I'll tell ya). There was a nice jazz band for the reception and the food was really terrific. I remember walking up to Jay-Z to hand him his present, and I remember razzing him a little bit about his recent marriage. "So, Hova," I said with a smirk, "you're finally married, huh?" "Chyeah," He said. "What about all that talk, huh? I thought you were a pimp in every sense of the word, Jay. I thought you giving your heart to a woman would never happen and that, further, you'd be forever mackin?" His face turned bright red. "I'm
messing with you, Sean, ahah, gosh, you get so nervous sometimes. Anyway, I got you a clock radio. It's waterproof, so you can use it in the shower."
Anyway, it was at the reception when I ran into Vanilla Ice and he did not look good.
"What's wrong, Robert? Where's Mrs. Van Winkle?"
"Oh, hey D.O.B., I didn't see you there. Laura's not coming tonight, we're having some… problems." He seemed really broken up.
"Wanna talk about it?"
"We...We just keep arguing. Arguing over stupid shit, you know? I mean, how do I even know if I'm really in love with her?"
I sat him down.
"Love is very simple, Ice. When you're in love, you can just feel it. Something grabs a hold of you tightly. Love flows, like a harpoon, not just daily, but nightly, too."
"Wow. That was beautiful." He then proceeded to tell me all about his marital troubles and how that pesky wife of his just keeps spending all of the money he's earned (?) over the past few decades.
To be fair, I never really liked Laura. I always thought she was just using him for his money, connections and his locked position as a laughably obscure pop celebrity, (residing in a place I've named Popscurity). But, as much as I think Laura Van Winkle has always been a gold-digging opportunist, I've always kept my mouth shut about it. Who am I to intervene, you know?
"I mean, I definitely love her," Ice said as the reception was winding down. "But she just keeps spending all of my dough-flow, yo. Just last week, she bought a fridge, a wine rack, and