Those zany British were in the news again this week, as it was revealed that an obscure law states that it is illegal to die in Parliament---which is like their version of Congress, except that the members call each other "right honourable gentlemen" instead of "treasonous pigfuckers" or whatever they're saying in Washington nowadays. (Note: for approximately half its sessions, Parliament is known as "Funkadelic.") This fascinating legal tidbit emerged as part of a TV poll which compiled the most ridiculous laws on Her Majesty's books, which also included such gems as "it is illegal for a woman to be topless except as a clerk in a tropical fish store" (hot), "a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman's helmet" (superhot), and "the head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the king, and the tail of the queen" (
I am so goddamn hot right now).
However, the poll's creators must have forgotten the following laws, which while perhaps not strictly verifiable, are nonetheless demonstrably followed to the letter, in a noble effort to prevent anarchy in the U.K.:
- It is illegal to eat oysters or use a toothbrush during months which do not contain an "r."
- As a reward for his long service to the nation, John Cleese is legally permitted to kill one Spice Girl per year.
- Policemen do not carry guns, but if one points his finger at you and says "bang!", it is considered polite to die.
- Everyone is required to eat "Spotted Dick" at least once a year, but no one is permitted to think it's funny.
- You can take Mel Gibson's life, but you can never take his freedom (although his life would be just fine, really).
- No British citizen is allowed to understand baseball. And finally:
- The entire country must feed, clothe, and pledge undying allegiance to a little old white lady, in return for which she waves occasionally but doesn't say much.