5 Dark Turns Lurking In The Next Pokemon Go Expansion

Pokemon Go is probably going to turn you into a criminal if it hasn't already.
5 Dark Turns Lurking In The Next Pokemon Go Expansion

Since last week's Pokemon Go Halloween event, you probably noticed a lot more ghost-type Pokemon than usual. It's been fun bustin' them, but they're the same handful of ghosts that were already in the game. In total, there are over 40 ghost-types in Pokemon lore, which will probably show up in future expansions, and which we're going to have to learn how to catch. After all, spawn locations in Go are logical, and based on type. Water types will spawn near oceans and lakes. Rock types near mountains. Fire types near your dope-ass mix tape. So maybe if we find out a little more about the ghost-type Pokemon that may appear in future Halloween events or a content update, we can begin our preparations for the hunt.

For instance, if we one day want to catch Lampent, the adorable little oil-lamp-looking Pokemon with a blue flame at its center, it would be wise to start your research now to track down your friendly neighborhood cancer wards. Sounds extreme, but according to the Pokedex, that beautiful blue flame is fueled by the souls of the dead burning eternally inside its belly. Lampent are usually found hanging in hospitals in the Pokemon universe, waiting for patients to die. It stands to reason that they'll be hanging around near your grandpa's hospital bed here on earth.

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Or in his bed, if you follow the Rule 34 Pokedex.

Oh, but you don't want to stay indoors! After all, Pokemon Go is a game of exploration, and harvesting hospitals for ghosts might be just a tad too morbid. Let's do some ghost hunting outside, but before we do, spend a minute Googling for reports of missing or dead children in the local woods. If you find any, head to the scene of the tragedy immediately, since it has been infused with sadness and is hence your best shot at finding a Phantump -- happy little trees possessed by the souls of children who were so lost in the woods that they died. But only children who died in the woods. Don't go looking for dead children in rock quarries, or children drowned in lakes. You need those primo woodland child deaths.

Speaking of children, Pokemon clearly have something against them, because if you're hoping to catch some Duskull, you're going to need to stock up on your supply of expendable kids to lure them in -- particularly the nasty misbehaving kids no one could ever love. According to lore, Duskull wander the night, "spiriting away bad children." They're like Santa Claus, except replace the lump of coal with kidnapping.

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"What, you think skulls just grow on trees? No, you have to hang children there first."

Duskull are known for their persistence. Only the rising of the sun can end their hunt for a crappy kid to steal. If you're lucky enough to one day encounter a Duskull, be sure to toss your terrible, terrible child in its direction. As it feasts upon the child, bite by scream-inducing bite, or sucks out the kid's rotten soul, or whatever horrific thing this cartoon character does to children, unleash your pokeball and snatch it up. Emotions like remorse and guilt are no concern for a master trainer.

Another one you may want to keep an eye out is Banette, a possessed doll that was thrown away by a child and now hunts its former owner in an incessant, restless crusade for revenge. Banette answers the question "What if Toy Story were a horror movie?" A good child to serve as bait would be a rich one, as they're more likely to have thrown out toys recently. If you don't have a rich child in the family, obtaining one can be a bit difficult, since the pampered rascals don't tend to play outside their usually well-protected mansions. Once you've acquired the desired child, either through an elaborate kidnapping or by luring it into a cage with a trail of gold doubloons, just kick your feet up and wait for a Banette to make that little scamp's life a living hell. How long into the tormenting you wait before you toss your pokeball is entirely up to you. The screams of a child haunted by a specter make for a perfect white noise that soothes some master trainers into a deep, peaceful sleep.

5 Dark Turns Lurking In The Next Pokemon Go Expansion
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"Aw, look how happy it is ... OK, 10 more minutes."

And then there is Drifloon, the balloon Pokemon. It's said that children who grab a Drifloon tend to vanish, possibly into the afterlife, though no one is quite sure. For all we know, they might end up in a Chuck E. Cheese's ball pit. If a Drifloon is what you're looking for, grab yourself a stupid child. The smart kids know balloons aren't where fun's at nowadays. Only the dumb ones would choose a balloon over an iPad loaded with games their parents installed to shut them up.

5 Dark Turns Lurking In The Next Pokemon Go Expansion
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If you get enough together, you can also trick them into thinking they're playing Up.

Whenever these new ghost-type Pokemon make it into Pokemon Go, understand that you're going to have to go the extra mile to ensnare them. Yes, you may have to engage in a little kidnapping or grave loitering, but if it these necessary but unsavory tactics result in a complete Pokedex, who can argue against them? With the exception of the police, the prosecution, the jury, and the judge who will render your multiple life sentences. It'll be worth it, though.

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