My Brief Time As Iron Man's Sidekick
My Brief Time as Iron Man's Sidekick INT. STARK EXPO STAGE Millions of fans, reporters and celebrities are gathered together at the Stark Expo. Iron Man-inspired dancers perform provocative routines on stage as IRON MAN descends from above. A complex system of machines remove the Iron Man suit to reveal TONY STARK, in a full tuxedo. STARK Oh, it's good to be back! The crowd cheers. INT. BACKSTAGE PEPPER POTS, JAMES RHODES and DOB are backstage, watching Tony Stark charm this enormous and excited crowd. PEPPER I'm worried about Tony. DOB The billionaire superhero? I think he'll be fine. I think those are the only two things that are always fine. RHODES Me too. He's just taking on more than he can handle. PEPPER He always does this, but I just fear he'll be in over his head this time. RHODES I don't know why he thinks he has to do this on his own, it doesn't make sense. DOB Oh, I don't know, I think it makes about as much sense as forty million people showing up for a God damned science convention. PEPPER He's going to slip sooner or later, I just don't know what's going to happen. RHODES I'll handle it. DOB Seriously, look at the size of this freaking crowd. For a large-scale Science Fair, that's all this is, right? I mean, I won't even turn on the Discovery Channel unless I can be guaranteed I'm going to see some monkeys fucking, and all of these people showed up for a Tech Expo? STARK (Addressing the crowd.) Presenters, don't worry if you don't get a chance to show off your inventions tonight, the Stark Expo goes all year long. DOB All year long, was that a joke? Did people travel for this? Does anybody work? Can you guys even hear me? PEPPER I just wish he would let one of us in, so we could help him. DOB Alright fuck you guys. EXT. CAR RACE TRACK A bunch of cars are driving around a track INCREDIBLY FAST. Suddenly, WHIPLASH emerges from the pit crew with two giant, electric whips. He promptly whips the shit out of everything, including Tony Stark's car. He slices the car in half, and then throws a bunch of shit at Tony. PEPPER Oh my God, Tony! RHODES Oh no! DOB Whoa ho ho now, here we go! PEPPER Are you laughing? DOB Sorry, Pot face, I'm just happy to finally see something in a superhero movie that isn't a science expo or a congressional hearing. I'm weird like that. PEPPER What's Tony going to do without his suit? RHODES Watch out, Tony! Watch out for his whips! DOB Wow, just stellar work, Rhodey. PEPPER This is a highly exclusive event- how did that maniac even get in here? DOB He came with me. He's cool. WHIPLASH looks to DOB and they both raise their fists in the air (like they just don't care) for solidarity. PEPPER You let that maniac in here? What if he kills Tony? DOB He's a bastard lunatic Russian whose super suit leaves his skin seventy percent exposed in a time when bullets exist. If someone can't stop him by shooting or, let's be honest, just like throwing a rock at him or something then, frankly, we all deserve to die. WHIPLASH I vill crush you, Stark. DOB Yeah, you tell him, Ivan Drago. RHODES That's Ivan Vanko, not Drago. DOB Bullshit. TONY STARK finally gets his Iron Man suit on and starts fighting Whiplash. WHIPLASH He's not human, he's like a piece of iron. DOB Aaaaand the defense rests. RHODES That doesn't prove- DOB Aaaaand suck it, Rhodey. INT. STARK'S WORKSHOP Tony Stark and DOB are discussing Tony's reckless lifestyle. DOB At any rate, the doctors say that her baby will probably be fine. Full disclosure: I don't feel even an ounce of guilt. STARK That's… fine, but we were actually discussing my issue. DOB Ugh. Are we still on you? Tony lifts up his shirt to reveal dark veins appearing in the area around the arc reactor core that acts as his heart. STARK Now, remain calm. DOB What the fuck? STARK I said "remain ca-" DOB Fuck your calm, what is up with your freaking chest, that is the grossest thing ever. Your veins are all popping and dark and- No, I'm sorry, but you are just the worst, that is awful and disgusting and I hate you. STARK It's the Paladium in my chest, it's making- DOB starts throwing various objects at TONY STARK. Whatever he can find, really. DOB Ah! Ah ah ah- no, don't- I don't want to know about your weird black poison vein disease, thanks very much. That is just gross. You are gross. STARK I need you to focus, because I think I can reverse it if- DOB Is it spreading to your neck now? Nooo, fuck that. Fuck that forever. STARK Okay, then I'm just dying, then. DOB Oh thank God. STARK What would you do if you knew you were dying? DOB I'd start by never showing anyone my horrifying freak-out veins that, by the way, have reached your face and you're acting like it ain't even a thing. But beyond that, I'd do whatever I wanted. CUT TO INT. STARK'S HOUSE It's his birthday, so Tony Stark is dressed in an Iron Man suit and drunk off his ass. DOB This is in no way what I meant. You could have easily done this regardless of how close to death you are, it's what rich people do. Tony tries scratching a record and does a little dance. DOB Oh, excellent, a superhero dancing like an idiot, I'm glad we saved that from the Spider-Man franchise. Super excited that dancing made the cut, that's awesome, you guys are really tapped in to what the fans want. STARK Woo! RHODES Tony! You need to be cool. I'm here to shut this party down. DOB Aren't you a colonel in the military? RHODES It's time to end this, Tony. DOB Seriously, shouldn't- Isn't there anything better you can be doing than crashing parties in Malibu? RHODES gets into HIS Iron Man suit and the two Iron Men FIGHT EACH OTHER. Tony's house gets completely destroyed, he gets knocked unconscious and Rhodes flies away. DOB Thank you colonel? EXT. SCARLETT JOHANSSON'S ASS We pump zoom in and out on Scarlett Johansson's Ass for about 8 minutes. EXT. Some PARK or SCIENCE EXPO. Basically any place where there'd be a massive crowd. DOB and TONY STARK are in their respective IRON MAN costumes. Suddenly, about 20 giant robots encircle them and pause, menacingly. STARK We got company. DOB Are they seriously just standing around looking at us? Since when do robots engage in intimidation? What could that possibly accomplish? STARK So I figure I'll take the high ground, you take low, and we just split up the amount of robots we have to fight. DOB Oh, we're going to fight? I don't even think it'll come to that. The robots might just whip out cigarettes and leather jackets in accordance with their non violent psychological attack strategy. The robots finally advance and we get the second action sequence out of this entire movie. DOB YES! Yes, FUCK YES! Things are happening! I'm the best! TONY Duck! DOB What? You duck, I'm fighting robots. TONY fires LASERS that kill all of the robots, about 13 seconds into the fight. DOB I hate you so much.