Bros Icing Bros: Understanding This Ridiculous Phenomenon
Have you heard of "Icing"? Icing is the new trend among frat boys, hipsters or really just anyone missing a chromosome. Made popular by the site BrosIcingBros.com (a site devoted to pictures of Bros getting "Iced"), Icing is a drinking game for bros (and chick-bros), where the point is to make other bros drink Smirnoff Ice "against their will, at ridiculously inopportune times." According to BrosIcingBros's Teddy Broosevelt, the rules are simple:
The Game It's a slightly more complicated drinking game than the ones we had when I was in college ("Hey look, a beer. Drink that beer." [And then whoever saw the beer drank that beer until there wasn't beer anymore. And then we either chased girls, ate Pop Tarts or yelled at the basketball players on our televisions.]), and it looks to be infinitely less enjoyable, due both to its association with Smirnoff Ice, as well as the fact that it has forced me to casually type words like "bro" and "Iced" an amount of times well beyond my comfort level. Essentially, at any time during any day, a bro can walk up to you with a Smirnoff Ice and you have to drink it in an accordance with the complex laws set forth by the Sacred Order of Elder Bros that governs all future bros for all broternity. Even if you have to go to work, or if you're about to give a big speech, or if you're delivering a baby, you have to drink that Ice if a bro ices you (during which he'd yell "You got Iced, bro," or "Ice Ice Broby" or "I pooped in my overalls again" or some such). If you aren't prepared with an Ice Block (why would you be?), and you don't drink that Ice, the bros will… fire you from brodom, or look at your butt or make you eat gay or… something, I don't know, I was never really familiar with Standard Bro Bylaws.
Still, it's shockingly popular. This How-to-Ice video has over 20,000 views and is steadily growing. Pointless or not, Icing is sweeping the nation for people both in and out of college. So people with, like, jobs or families or whatever will still have to take a knee and chug some Smirnoff Liquid Urinal Cakes whenever they get Iced.
The Drink There's a reason Smirnoff Ice was chosen in a drinking game the object of which is not to drink: Smirnoff Ice is terrible. It is Limeade-scented Clown Sweat in a bottle. One flavor of Smirnoff Ice is just Sunshine Punch Kool-Aid mixed with farts. For Raspberry Burst Smirnoff, they put rubbing alcohol and Good n' Plenty in a blender and flushed it down a prison toilet. It's like someone wiped their ass with a pear and stapled it to your tongue. One time a convicted rapist fucked a produce section and the result was Pomegranate Fusion Smirnoff Ice. It's like someone force-fed a fruit cup to a cow and then took it back out four stomachs in. Smirnoff Ice tastes like someone dropped a tube of strawberry lipsmackers into a bucket of cologne. You'd think someone dug up Carmen Miranda's corpse and fermented it in an old paint can but it's actually an Ice. If Jolly Ranchers could piss, it would taste like Strawberry Acai Smirnoff Ice.
Smirnoff Ice is a bad tasting beverage. The Founders The only thing that might be more unsettling than Smirnoff Gecko Piss is the fact that it was founded by total tools. I'm not a snob. In fact, I'm kind of an idiot. On my best day, I am a series of grunts and mustard stains in a pair of borrowed underwear. It's not exactly like I have high tastes or crave sophisticated games, or anything. I love doing and making my friends do stupid things and lost all of my dignity at the exact moment I started my career in a field that deals exclusively with dick jokes. Icing is totally the kind of game I can get behind in theory, but the folks responsible for the game make that impossible. There's an
"Don't make this weird. You have to take the whole thing or we are going to have a problem. Just take it, deal with it, and move on."Also, "Broner" was a word I came up for in the early 2000s that I used to describe an erection that two frat guys get when they wrestle each other. I am more than a little resentful that they stole it from me and repurposed it for their stupid game for jerks.
Daniel O'Brien is a Professor of Shorty-Ricin' at Columbia University.