Dear Vanessa, Regarding the recent "sext message" I sent you which contained a picture of an engorged penis: Your swift and litigious response has made me realize that this advance was not entirely welcome, and that an apology might be warranted. Sorry about sending you a picture of my penis.
Like this, but more tasteful.Although you may not wish to hear it, I've decided to explain my rationale here, hopeful that once you see things from my perspective your demeanor towards me might thaw. Frankly, I believe many outside observers would agree that I was in fact entirely justified sending you such a picture. "It's the 21st century," I imagine them saying. "Relax."
"Darling, I've recently commissioned a portrait of Mr. Johnson, and am having a viewing party in a fortnight. I'd love terribly much for you to attend."Based on these points, and my healthy sense of self-regard, I assumed you would react much differently to this missive. Although consequences matter, so does intent, and surely you can see that I was acting with only the best of intentions. Any future viewings of my penis will follow solely after your invitation. Yours apologetically, Chris Bucholz ___________ Steve, I sent you that by mistake. Fricking autocomplete -- meant to be sent to your mom. Do not forward that to anyone you bleach-addled self-diddler. I know we haven't always seen eye to eye, in part because you're a son of a bitch, and also in part because I got tired of hanging around with someone who smells like he washes his hair with shit. But don't let those differences keep you from deleting the personal picture I sent you right now. Please? -Chris Bucholz P.S. If you don't, I swear to God I will marry your mom out of spite, just so I can spank you.
Hot dogs are smaller in Canada too.-Bucholz ___________ Mr. and Mrs. Lipton, Concerning the ransom I expect for the safe return of your son Nick, I'd like to apologize for the picture of a penis that was enclosed in the note I sent you last week. This mistake may have implied a level of debauchery which I in no way condone, nor claim to be threatening. Any threat to your son (more on his condition in a second) will rest assured not involve anything so foul. Here's how it happened. You know that classic prank amongst friends, where someone swipes a friend's camera and photographs their business with it, with the expectation that their friend will recoil in arousement when scrolling through the pics later? One of my colleagues pulled this stunt on me, and I apologize for getting you involved with this immature ass-grabbery.
Furry Britches Ruminations by. Chris BucholzYours professionally, Christopher Xavier Bucholz ___________
Be sure to check out more from Bucholz in 7 Tips for Sexting Someone You Barely Know and Every Chore's An Adventure When You 'Muppet Baby' That Shit.
Whose job is it to solve crimes?
There is much to show you.
The cops will come swooping in the seconds the credits roll.
If there's any institution that doesn't want us to know how much it messes up, it's the military.
The most unrealistic thing about fictional villains is that they don't get arrested until the plot calls for it.