(Note that my colleague -- for the sake of anonymity, I'll simply refer to him as DOB -- claims that it wasn't him, and that even though it wasn't him, he'd been drinking heavily that night, and that he can be more impressive down there under other circumstances.) How the picture ended up enclosed with the ransom note is a simple story. It seems that when I was printing the pictures of Nick holding that day's newspaper, I accidentally printed the offending picture as well. I'm as unhappy about this as you are -- the ink for those Kodak printers is outrageously expensive. As the fault was mine, I won't invoice you for the costs or ask them to be appended to your son's ransom. Concerning Nick, he is in low spirits (the news of the printer ink expenses troubled him greatly) but is otherwise unharmed. Though please note that if you fail to provide $1,000,000 as discussed in my earlier penis-laden note, I will slaughter him like a duck. Yours kidnappingly, X ___________ To the editors of The New Yorker, Look! Words! Ha! I bet you're relieved to see these in an envelope from me! Now that we've shared a laugh, I'd like to explain, and if once that's done we still deem it necessary, apologize for the large glossy photo of a turgid penis that I recently sent in the post to you. First, all cards on the table. The penis was mine, and yes, it's real. Thank you. Second, I sent you this penis not to titillate you, nor to propose a sweaty rendezvous with the entirety of your editorial staff, but to serve as an introduction. Your publication is clearly in need of someone with my artistic and intellectual qualifications. As an acceptably hung writer for a failed children's magazine, I am perfectly suited to the task of guiding your readership through the salty waves of online culture. "But," I hear you saying, "someone who mails pictures of his genitals is clearly a lunatic." Ahh, not so. Would a lunatic have thought to print his penis on matte paper, implying a sober and serious nature to his member, engorged with professionalism? Would a lunatic have sent a follow-up card containing a pop-up cardboard cutout of a penis to further grab your attention? No lunatic would have the patience to craft such a loving gesture, nor have the playful appreciation of how a perversion of the two dimensional medium could be used to launch a different perversion in the face of a mailroom clerk. I think then with the facts laid bare as a penis, it's clear I acted rightly, and can assume you agree and wish to publish my musings at once. Thank you. My rate is $35/word, and my first piece will be about