Dear Vanessa, Regarding the recent "sext message" I sent you which contained a picture of an engorged penis: Your swift and litigious response has made me realize that this advance was not entirely welcome, and that an apology might be warranted. Sorry about sending you a picture of my penis.
Like this, but more tasteful.
Although you may not wish to hear it, I've decided to explain my rationale here, hopeful that once you see things from my perspective your demeanor towards me might thaw. Frankly, I believe many outside observers would agree that I was in fact entirely justified sending you such a picture. "It's the 21st century," I imagine them saying. "Relax."
Why I sent you a picture of my penis:
One, we have had two pleasant conversations in the past weeks, and exchanged several flirtatious "text" messages, leading me to believe you were interested in the topic of my romance-hammer. Secondly, scientists agree that nothing is more attractive to a woman than the sight of a man's penis, aside from perhaps charm, money, broad shoulders, motorcycles, a sense of humor and money. Third-wise, I made every effort to frame this picture as romantically as possible, even going to the point of placing a very small puffy collared shirt and riding jacket on moi petite monsieur, garbing him like one of the suitors in those Regency romances your gender loves so much.
"Darling, I've recently commissioned a portrait of Mr. Johnson, and am having a viewing party in a fortnight. I'd love terribly much for you to attend."
Based on these points, and my healthy sense of self-regard, I assumed you would react much differently to this missive. Although consequences matter, so does intent, and surely you can see that I was acting with only the best of intentions. Any future viewings of my penis will follow solely after your invitation. Yours apologetically, Chris Bucholz ___________ Steve, I sent you that by mistake. Fricking autocomplete -- meant to be sent to your mom. Do not forward that to anyone you bleach-addled self-diddler. I know we haven't always seen eye to eye, in part because you're a son of a bitch, and also in part because I got tired of hanging around with someone who smells like he washes his hair with shit. But don't let those differences keep you from deleting the personal picture I sent you right now. Please? -Chris Bucholz P.S. If you don't, I swear to God I will marry your mom out of spite, just so I can spank you.