5 Insane Fighting Manuals (You Probably Shouldn't Listen To)
This question has a ring of cheese-like toothpaste stuffed into its crust! Can you finish it? 1. Surviving a _________ is impossible if you're a chair or a fish tank. A. fat person B. SCUBA suit filled with termites C. bar fight D. shark with chair cancer If you answered any or all of them, you're right and AWESOME. However, we're going to focus on the one we can solve: C, bar fights. Sorry fat people, the pizza wizard is your enemy. He will not solve you. Bar fights are started when beer is applied to douches or sexual frustration. They are ended with karate. You're about to learn everything in between. I've scoured book stores for the finest literature and DVD sets to unlock the secrets of the drunken Orient, and now every time I have a beer 17 people die. Bar Fight Self Defense by Scott Rogers Scott Rogers is a martial artist with just enough of a New York accent to always sound like he's kidding. His video set explains how to defend against every bar weapon, including pool cues, karate chops, knives and guns. Let's go through the Scott Rogers process: 1. Bar Training in the Gym. Scott uses a guy named Mike to demonstrate most of his moves. Now, when a martial arts teacher pretends to punch you, it's polite to gently go "arrgh" as if it hurt you.* Mike is very good at this. He even makes different sound effects depending on where Scott pretends to hit him. Filming a karate video is exactly like being seven-years old except for one difference: I've seen seven-year-olds win fights.
* Fighting Fact! In the combat community, to not react to an imaginary punch at all is seen as a sign of aggression. For example, if you ever throw a fake punch at Hulk Hogan and it appears to have no effect, he's about to fucking destroy you.
During the gym parts of the DVD, I started to wonder if I was supposed to be drunk when I'm at the dojo training for bar fights. But that seemed like the kind of thing someone would wonder right before Scott Rogers called them a fag and rammed a pint glass into their heart, so I had a beer and started thinking about what tits would look like if they didn't have shirts on.
All bullshit aside, Mike is lucky to be alive. If you were struck by a real Scott Rogers punch or kick you would fly through a you-shaped hole in the cement wall behind you, leaving behind only a platter of meat that restores Scott Rogers's energy.
2. Drunken Improv Karate Theater or DIKT.
After pantomiming how to murder Mike for 15 minutes, the next step is going to a bar set and putting on little plays to show how the moves work. After seeing several of the scenarios he comes up with, I get the idea that everyone who has ever met Scott Rogers has attacked him.
His bar fight scenarios seem to come out of nowhere. It's never anything like "You spilled my drink!" or "You were a guy in a dress this whole time!?" Instead they all seem to start with, "Hi, I'm Scott Rogers. In this scenario, you walk into a bar and you look like me. Every person who sees your face feels a desperate need deep inside them to approach it and kill it with anything they're holding. Here's how to fend them off with a torch on the end of a grappling hook. Mike will play the part of Yoda, and everything that isn't the couch is lava."
3. Reviewing or R.
In this part of the video, Scott goes through all the moves from his bar fight theater in detail. He might explain how when Mike came at him with a knife, he countered by jamming a pool cue into his neck, then grabbing it in the center so he could use both ends of the pool cue to batter him. Oh, he should have mentioned this earlier, but steps one through seven of winning a bar fight are being Darth Maul.
Caution: Scott's 2298-0 record in no-contact bouts against Mike has made him more jungle cat than man. For you, it takes a bit of time for your eyeballs to tell your brain about the incoming knife, cross reference its knife files with its karate files and then tell your hands to start twirling a pool cue. For Scott Rogers, he has time to change out of his good shoes, kick a pen up your dick hole and repair a falling VCR.
For the rest of us, the idea of stopping a knife swing by hitting a moving Adam's apple with the end of a pool cue after even one beer is so ludicrous that Scott might as well ask us to throw a fireball at our attacker. And do you know what happens when a normal person grabs the middle of a pool cue and smacks someone with the tip of it? Fucking nothing! It does so little damage that they actually get healthier. That's how you train cats to not shit in house plants, or how you get an elderly person's attention when their hearing aid is off. I'm glad you can kill a guy like that, but we were raised in Earth gravity, dick.