How to Still Win Your NCAA Pool! For People Who Lost Already
So one of the things about writing internet comedy is that there aren't any exhaustive academic requirements or a lengthy interview process involved; it's not the kind of thing where you need two degrees and a shirt. The main thing is that your time can't be that valuable; after that, it's pretty much open to anyone who can bang a keyboard. In fact, many of the personal liabilities which might limit your career options in the shirt-wearing office world are actually assets that can be mined for humorous effect in the comedy world. Like all those Robin Williams bits, where he talks about mutilating pets when he was a kid.I bring this up to make my horrible, horrible gambling problem seem more palatable. You see, even though I didn't go to school in America, don't like college basketball, and would have a hard time picking a basketball out of a lineup of spherical objects, every year without fail, I fill in a bracket for the NCAA tournament, entering it in a pool with friends. I know what you're probably thinking, "That doesn't sound so bad you floppy-wristed dandy,", and you're right (though probably a bit harsh-tongued.) But what I haven't mentioned is that I somehow have $28,000 riding on the damned thing, even though everyone else in the pool has a ten dollar buy in. I honestly have no idea how this happened - I guess I'm giving them odds?
I once lost three bills while volunteering at my nephew's Sports Day, simply because this fucking kid can't hula hoop.Compounding my wagering issue is my basketball-lexia. A ham sandwich dropped on a Twister board from a medium height has a better chance of predicting a college ball game's outcome than me. I'm currently in last place in this year's pool, and with 0 teams remaining in the final 4, the mathematical odds of me winning are... not actually there.So is my situation hopeless? Broadly, over the span of my lifetime, yes, but in this specific instance, no. It just means that I can't use math to win. Which is fine, because winners don't use math.
Not pictured: MathNo, to come from behind and win my pool now, I needed a paradigm busting two-handed punch of a technique. And, after a great deal of thought, I think I've come up with one. Below is how I plan to win my bracket this year, which I present below for anyone who wants to try this themselves. If you're one of those people who can still mathematically win your pool, well
How To Come From Behind And Win Your NCAA Pool Even Though the Math Is Not FavorableTo use this exact technique yourself, you're going to need to be using one of the online bracket tools which tracks everyone's brackets for you. If you don't, if you and the staff of Martha Stewart Living have hand-crafted your own ornate brackets on home made papyrus, don't fret! Many of the techniques here may still be useful to you, but just know that I hate you.The Tools:Coming from behind to win a NCAA basketball in these late stages requires some specialized equipment.- A copy of the College Basketball Prospectus 2008-2009- Fifteen laptops, each with at least a quad core, 2.3 Ghz processor and 4 GB of RAM.- A length of wood.- A good quantity of kerosene.- A full size SUV.- A balaclava.- Twenty eight (28) live ducks.- A pistol.- A male to male USB connector.__________
In this scene Wolverine pings the compiler with 18 million bit C+ encryption.Once that was done, I put my affairs in order.__________