How to Still Win Your NCAA Pool! For People Who Lost Already
So one of the things about writing internet comedy is that there aren't any exhaustive academic requirements or a lengthy interview process involved; it's not the kind of thing where you need two degrees and a shirt. The main thing is that your time can't be that valuable; after that, it's pretty much open to anyone who can bang a keyboard. In fact, many of the personal liabilities which might limit your career options in the shirt-wearing office world are actually assets that can be mined for humorous effect in the comedy world. Like all those Robin Williams bits, where he talks about mutilating pets when he was a kid.I bring this up to make my horrible, horrible gambling problem seem more palatable. You see, even though I didn't go to school in America, don't like college basketball, and would have a hard time picking a basketball out of a lineup of spherical objects, every year without fail, I fill in a bracket for the NCAA tournament, entering it in a pool with friends. I know what you're probably thinking, "That doesn't sound so bad you floppy-wristed dandy,", and you're right (though probably a bit harsh-tongued.) But what I haven't mentioned is that I somehow have $28,000 riding on the damned thing, even though everyone else in the pool has a ten dollar buy in. I honestly have no idea how this happened - I guess I'm giving them odds? I once lost three bills while volunteering at my nephew's Sports Day, simply because this fucking kid can't hula hoop. Compounding my wagering issue is my basketball-lexia. A ham sandwich dropped on a Twister board from a medium height has a better chance of predicting a college ball game's outcome than me. I'm currently in last place in this year's pool, and with 0 teams remaining in the final 4, the mathematical odds of me winning are... not actually there.So is my situation hopeless? Broadly, over the span of my lifetime, yes, but in this specific instance, no. It just means that I can't use math to win. Which is fine, because winners don't use math. Not pictured: Math No, to come from behind and win my pool now, I needed a paradigm busting two-handed punch of a technique. And, after a great deal of thought, I think I've come up with one. Below is how I plan to win my bracket this year, which I present below for anyone who wants to try this themselves. If you're one of those people who can still mathematically win your pool, well la-dee-fucking-daa , I guess this guide is not for you. Please enjoy the article anyways, perhaps while resting your enormous head on a pillow.