"WESTSIIIIIIIIIDE!": How to REALLY Talk to Cops
Getting Pulled Over
When you see the familiar lights of a police car flashing in your rear view mirror, your immediate instinct is going to be speed up and try to lose him. Resist this urge. (Unless, of course, you're pretty sure you can beat him.) Instead, pull over to the side of the road slowly. Traditionally, cops like to make you wait when they pull you over. According to a recent scientific study, it's because they're assholes. While they're sitting in their car, making you wait, take the time to inspect the inside of your car. Is your seat belt on tight? Tighten it up! Is your radio on? Turn the volume down and switch it to a soothing, non-incriminating station. Do you have any provocative photographs of the police officer's wife proudly displayed on your dashboard? Discreetly place them in your glove compartment, or down the front of your pants. Once all of these "Trouble Spots" are taken care of, you're ready to face the officer.
How to Talk to a Cop
Choose your words carefully. How you speak to a cop is extremely important. You don't want to sound aggressive, or angry, because anything that a cop interprets as "hostile" can be grounds for any number of charges he can add on. Cops love trumping up charges. So, if you get pulled over for speeding and you speak too aggressively, suddenly the cop can give you a ticket for disturbing the peace, resisting arrest and public masturbation. (Note: Do not masturbate in front of a cop when he/she pulls you over. They hate that.) Not that I'm saying you should be silent when pulled over. Remember, you are completely within your rights to demand an explanation as to why you were stopped. Just know that there's a Right and Wrong way to do it.
Wrong: "You better have a good fucking reason for pulling me over, you shit eating bastard." (Frowning, you extend your middle finger.) Right: "Why did you pull me over, officer? Also, I'm curious, what kind of bastard are you, if you don't mind my asking?" (You extend your middle finger and smile.)
Did you see what was good about the "Right" scenario? By asking the officer what kind of bastard he is, you show that you're taking an active interest in his life, (he will appreciate this). Further, when you let him decide what kind of bastard he is, you avoid making any potentially inaccurate assumptions. Because you know what happens when you
When Discussing Your Plans:Wrong: "Can we move this along, Officer? I have to pick up your sister in time for the underage rape party." Right: "Take your time, Officer. I have nothing but respect for the law; You sister and the underage rape party can wait."
When Handing Over Your Information:
When Saying Goodbye:Wrong: "Thanks for the ticket, asshole, your mother would be real proud if she wasn't already dead and I wasn't about to have sex with her corpse." Right: "Thank you for the ticket, Officer, I understand that you're just doing your job. I'll tell your mother's corpse all about you while we fornicate later tonight, and again on your birthday."
"Step Out of the Car"
If a cop asks you to step out of your car, it's because he suspects that you have something illegal inside and, let's face it, you do. Please be aware that you do not have to let any police officer search your car. When asked to step out of your car, you can politely say "I am not giving you consent to search my car," as demonstrated in Ridelust's video, or you can say "I ain't steppin' outta shit, all my paper's legit," as demonstrated in the Jay-Z hit "99 Problems." (These are the only two choices.) Your goal is to make sure he doesn't, under any circumstances, search your car and discover whatever drugs/alcohol/small migrant family you've been smuggling. If he presses the issue and threatens you with jail time or openly wonders how "smart" you'll be once the canines come, try to turn the tables. Ask to search
A classic mistake that a lot of novices make is that they'll try to distract a cop by waving frantically or setting off a few fireworks. The problem is that cops don't understand bright lights, and the spectacle as well as the sound of fireworks makes them nervous, and confused. Also, they hate it when you wave. In either scenario, a cop will have no choice but to react aggressively which may result in serious damage to your car.
Never make a cop nervous.Instead, when pulled over, remain absolutely still. No waving, no fireworks, don't even say a word. Cops, as a rule, cannot see you if you don't move. This in conjunction with their short attention spans means that, if you stay motionless, any cop will get bored and leave you alone after a few minutes. They may nudge and paw at you for a while, perhaps even inspect the contents of your automobile or picnic basket, (to check for narcotics or snacks, respectively), but they will eventually lose interest and scamper back into the woods.
"What's That Smell?"
I don't think I'm telling you something you don't already know when I say that cops have an acute sense of smell. What you may not know is that if one cop catches the scent of another dominant cop on you, he will immediately stop hassling you. (Cops are extremely territorial.)
So, if you get pulled over, discreetly reach into your glove compartment, pull out the jar of Cop Urine that you have stored there, and completely douse yourself with it. This will inform your cop that you've been "marked," and he will not want to challenge the marker for dominance, (cops live by a very strict code). This is just one of the many reasons that you should always keep at least one jar of cop urine in your car at all times.
Always in my trunk.
Famous Cop Myths Debunked!
There are a ton of myths and legends about cops that are simply not true. Hopefully, this guide will clear up some long-standing misconceptions.
Cops Have a "Ticket Quota" That Must Be Filled Each Month: FALSE. A cop's thirst for giving tickets is insatiable and therefore requires no outside motivation. Cops Pull Over Red Cars More Often Than Cars of Any Other Color: FALSE. All cops are inherently colorblind. If A Cop Isn't in Full Uniform, He Can't Legally Arrest You: FALSE. If a cop is trying to give you a ticket and you take his hat and put it where he can't reach it, he is in fact
*True story. Two cops snuck up on me and claimed to be looking for someone who looked like me. I agreed that I did look like me, but I wasn't who they were looking for. They apologized and told me to call the police if I saw anyone who looked like me, (but who wasn't also me).