How To Celebrate Valentine's Day (During A Recession)
If you're like me, Valentine's Day’s approach means one thing: Your bank account is about to take a hit and several lucky ladies are about to know the joy of a 15 minute bump and grind session from the greatest lover the city bus system has to offer. Okay, so I guess it means two things. But the fact remains, in these troubled economic times, I'm no longer able to lavish Valentine's Day gifts upon my gaggle of female companions. It's a lose-lose-lose situation: They miss the oils, diamonds and wine-soaked furs to which they've become accustomed, I'm out a series of increasingly brief lovemaking sessions and the city has been cheated of the substantial revenue that would be generated by the court fees involved in the ensuing paternity suits. That’s why I’ve put together this guide. Here are the secret ingredients to the perfect recession-proof Valentine’s Day date. Learn how to sweep her off her feet without living on the street! How to get your guy primed without spending a dime! How to romance and do the no-pants dance while managing a refinance! It’s a simple system I call:
Fuck For A Buck (or “Rhyming is Fun!”)*Is This Guide For You? First of all, we must determine whether the strategies in this guide are suited to you and your lifestyle. Of the following sets of items, use a sharpie to circle which most applies to you. Please refrain from scrolling the page while taking the test, as that may invalidate your selections. A. You wear patches on your elbows out of necessity rather than stodgy affectation. B.
When not getting you lucky, Michael serves as head writer for and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!