10 Michelle Wolf Jokes for the Hall of Fame

‘Brides will say things like, ‘It’s my special day.’ But how do you call it your day if your dad’s paying for it? I think it’s his day, and I think it’s a really weird day for him. He’s paying a ton of money to make sure a man has sex with you that night’

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Headphones for the Post-Election Apocalypse

Headphones for the Post-Election Apocalypse

This post was written before the presidential election results came in, and if you're reading this right now, that election has already been decided. We don't know who won or who lost, but if the news coverage up to this point is to be believed, then we can be pretty certain of one thing: Regardless of the results, America has most likely ushered in the literal apocalypse.

That's why the Cracked Store is providing you with brand-new headphones at a major discount. Again, we wrote this post before the election, so we don't know exactly if and how the apocalypse might have come about. (Armed revolution? Attack from Russia? Gary Johnson was Beetlejuice this whole time?) But we think it's a safe bet that, whatever is happening, it's happening loudly. So pop on some headphones, crank up the sound, and pray to God that those vibrations in the ground are just your killer bass and not a nuclear missile silo opening beneath your feet.

Headphones for the Post-Election Apocalypse

It's going to be hard to listen to your favorite music if the New Civil War is loudly rampaging across America. (What are they calling this? Civil War II? Civil War: Fury Road?) That's why you need these A-Audio Legacy Noise Cancelling Headphones. The Legacy allows the user to switch between three different stages of audio. You get passive audio for easy listening, bass-enhanced for when you want to tune out the sound of militia gunfire, and noise-canceling for when your neighbor shows up to your war bunker in need of a place to crash. Sorry, Joe, we can't hear you. Maybe we will after you return the pantry scissors you borrowed two years ago.

Headphones for the Post-Election Apocalypse

There's no place where you're more vulnerable to the post-election apocalypse than in the shower. It doesn't matter that the water has been replaced with toxic sludge, or that mutated sewer rats scurry out of the toilet. When you take a shower, you want to feel relaxed. With this Bluetooth Shower Speaker, you can stream you favorite playlists from your smartphone while scrubbing down with the uranium-enriched soap you found at the fallout site. Sing along in the shower to the dulcet tones of Celine Dion as you think to yourself, "my country might not go on for much longer, but hey, at least my heart will go on, and that's all that matters."

Headphones for the Post-Election Apocalypse

Is the land torn asunder? Do marauders roam the streets? Have the Heavens opened up to flood the Earth and cleanse us of our sins? Then boy are these the earbuds for you. The FresheBuds are water-resistant enough to stand in the face of God's wrath. They're sweat-resistant so they won't slip out of your ears as you flee a bloodthirsty horde. Best of all, they're Bluetooth-compatible, so you won't drop a call while hacking away at your neighbor with an ax as you fight over who gets to drink the remaining fresh water from the septic tank. Did we mention that they're normally $120, but today you can get them for only $40? (Or whatever that translates to in the New World Order currency. Two corn husks, maybe?)

Headphones for the Post-Election Apocalypse

There is one group of people that has gotten off easy through all of this: astronauts. Or in the specific example of this phone case, Basstronauts. Not only do the Basstronauts get to live in the safe outreaches of space, away from the burning wreckage of our society, but they also get to do so while listening to kickass, hard-hitting bass. Honor their mission by purchasing this phone case for $6 off with free shipping (enter code: DANCER6) from the Cracked Dispensary. While you will never again experience safety on your own planet, maybe one day, when the Earth has settled into the quiet stupor of a post-apocalyptic wasteland, the Basstronauts will descend from on high and say to you, "Hey, cool phone case, brah!" And that'll make this election all worth it.

But Cracked, how do I get this sweet gear? Also, save my family?

That's easy. Go to the Cracked Dispensary for our exclusive designs, which can be printed on phone cases, T-shirts, and more. Then go to the Cracked Store to browse through headphones and other top-of-the-line gadgets. Saving your family will be a bit harder. We don't suspect you'll fare well against the likely Trump revolt (win or lose), or when Jill Stein summons the monster from Loch Ness and rides her into battle like Khaleesi upon a dragon. But the United States military does have a trillion dollars' worth of unused tanks lying around. So maybe after buying some headphones, you can get your hands on some of those?

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