I Want A VP I Can Take To The Fight Club
If the Cracked blog has a weak point--and it doesn't--it's that we occasionally neglect subjects dear to the readerships' collective hearts. Yes, we reason, human rights violations in China require attention, but you know what’s more pressing? Gay babies. Sure, the World Cup is a cherished event viewed by billions of people around the globe, but you know what? Fuck that, because naked maids. So at the behest of our editor, Jack, for whom you'll be disappointed to find out I have no clever nicknames (unless "Jacklebee's Neighborhood Grill" is considered a nickname now), I've "decided" to provide some political commentary on the Vice Presidential candidates, Joe Biden, Sarah Palin, and, as I've come to understand, The Hamburglar. I was surprised to find out about The Hamburglar, but Gladstone's never been one to lie unless it would benefit him financially, so I'm going to run with it. Thanks for the insider info, G.
Even though this gig may not be my usual forte, I want to bring you some real, layered, hard-hitting commentary. And unlike other namby-pamby political commentators, I’m not afraid to come out and give my opinion. After all, what’s the point of a review if I don’t tell you which candidate to vote for? It’s like when Roper and Ebert give a split decision on a movie, and I’m so blinded with rage that I hurl my television out the window.
But this brings me to a problem. What do we really know about these candidates? Sure one steals hamburgers, but I'm not talking about Joe Biden. I want to get deeper. How to judge? What qualities earn a candidate my vote? To me, the answer is clear: the ability to take me in a fight.
Talk about hard-hitting! Plus it speaks to my distaste for being taken in a fight. If our VP’s going to be out there taking guff from the Chinese Premiere, I want one who can hold his (or her, or its, as the case may be) own.
Let the bloodbath begin.
ROUND 3—GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH
While Joe Biden might do a bang-up job tending the White House Rose Garden or as Secretary of Downy Soft Towels, Palin’s the way to go if you want your VeeP to hit ‘em till they WeeP. The Hamburglar was disqualified, as it has recently come to my attention that he’s fictional, and Gladstone is a huge dick. Therefore, my official endorsement is…
When not writing for Cracked, Michael challenges Senators to fights as head writer and co founder of Those Aren't Muskets!