It’s been a long time since I last blogged about a small human interest story. Slowly but surely, my purview has come to encompass only the weightiest, grandest matters of the day: world politics, the machinations of our idols, and an alarming amount of pornography.
So today I thought we’d take a break from important issues to laugh at a moron. I know Ross usually has this beat thoroughly covered, but as there is no video attached to this story about a guy getting robbed by a nude maid he hired on Craigslist, I figured it was time to step in.
The man in question waited until his wife was out of town and then, fulfilling every misogynist’s fantasy, trolled the personals section of Craigslist for a woman who would come and clean his house in the nude. I assume he tried and failed to find nude women to darn his socks, cook a pie, and plow his fields, and so had to settle for some light housekeeping.
But, my ducklings, it was a very different kind of cleaning out this ingénue had in mind. She got away with 40,000 dollars in jewelry, presumably after the man excused himself to use the bathroom for the ninth time that day.
And I say good. The moron deserved it, and not only because he’s a rich adulterous lecher. I say he deserved it because he’s dumb enough that the sexiest thing he can imagine paying a woman to do is clean his house naked.
In fact, maid service is probably the least sexy thing a woman can do nude, and that includes cleaning a barrel of sturgeon (I’ve seen it, and it’s sexy as all hell).
Sure, a nude maid sounds all cute and coquettish, but imagine the disgusting complications:
If you’ve got the money and lack of scruples, at least shell out for a nude woman to do something worthwhile. May I suggest any of the following for those looking to hire some Craigslist-approved vocational nudes:
See? All of those are sexier than Maid, and technically I only made up about half of them. Get with the program, jerk.
In closing, I’d like to thank Craigslist for their continued dedication in providing sexually retarded deviants enough rope to hang themselves for our general amusement. Keep up the good work, boys.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael provides nude mortuary services as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
Last 5 posts by Michael Swaim
- The 5 Most Clearly Insane Public Figures Endorsing McCain - October 9th, 2008
- Cracked.com Liveblogs the VP Debates LIVE! - October 2nd, 2008
- How to Use the Bailout to Ask Your Parents for Money - October 1st, 2008
- The Stages of a Human Life: 408 Years Ago vs. Today - September 24th, 2008
- This Movie Features Jon Voight, James Woods, Gary Coleman and Bill O'Reilly. How Does That Happen? - September 18th, 2008
September 3rd, 2008 at 8:57 am
[...] If the Cracked blog has a weak point—and it doesn’t—it’s that we occasionally neglect subjects dear to the readerships’ collective hearts. Yes, we reason, human rights violations in China require attention, but you know what’s more pressing? Gay babies. Sure, the World Cup is a cherished event viewed by billions of people around the globe, but you know what? Fuck that, because naked maids. [...]
June 2nd, 2008 at 11:11 pm
OMG! I found so many hot sexy vids @@P l u s M e e t . c o m, where so many big boob women, big booty women and big handsome men mingle together! You can also chat with the vid owner and view their blogs!
June 2nd, 2008 at 11:32 am
I miss Jason Roeder. He was the Kurt Cobain of Cracked bloggers.
June 2nd, 2008 at 10:47 am
Well, Mexicans glued to their bed anyway.
June 2nd, 2008 at 2:17 am
I’m glad Ian’s gone. This blog is significantly less racist towards mexicans since he’s left. Still really racist, though. As long as Swaim is around he’ll see to that.
June 1st, 2008 at 1:27 am
There was a company in the UK that offered a naked maid service. I can’t find it now though, so maybe they went out of business.
May 31st, 2008 at 10:18 pm
No, I haven’t Philip, but perhaps you’d like to check ouy some hot pics at Gladstonemingle.com?
May 31st, 2008 at 7:56 pm
Have you ever found true love at http://www.muslimloving.com ? It is a interesting and funny place to singles who are seeking for true love and friends online.
May 31st, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Ian is a great man who was never truly understood by the masses. I bemoan his loss each day, but am happy knowing he’s teaching Ethiopians how to play Jazz.
Jason Roeder blogged for one day. But he’s gone on to better things like humiliating me in Scrabulous on an almost daily basis.
May 31st, 2008 at 11:58 am
My favorite Cracked blogger is Dayne Moss O’ Swaistonesky and then it would be that guy that blogged for one day.
Out of past cracked bloggers, definitely Ian.
May 31st, 2008 at 10:35 am
My favorite Cracked Blogger is still Ian.
May 31st, 2008 at 7:28 am
Please allow me to introduce myself, I’m a man of wealth and taste. Please to meet you , hope you guessed my name.
May 31st, 2008 at 6:26 am
Eventually, everyone leaves Swaim for me. I’d like to say it’s because I’m funnier, but in the end it’s probably just because they’re sick of their dogs getting molested.
May 31st, 2008 at 3:26 am
Damn my typos. I’ll never make it in an office environment….. I have to get a degree and soon before anybody realises that I’m largely illiterate.
May 31st, 2008 at 3:06 am
Gladstone,
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Sarah…. Or ‘person who is looking for a job and spends waaaay too much time playing computer games and on the net’…Oblivion will be the death of me….and your niceness has placing you firmly in the running to replace Swaim as my favourite wrter on this site. I give my affections to whoever pays me attention, casue, you know, I’m a blubbering mass of insecurities….
May 30th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
You’re welcome Gladstone. I been ruining shit with my bad attitude since 1968 and still going strong.
May 30th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
1. my microchip is not gender specific.
2. i was checking in for more kid rock hate mail when i saw the most recent comment that happened to be lounseys.
3. I can’t help it that I’m a friendly guy. Why do you have to ruin everything with your bad attitude King, Glen, and DOB.
4. That x files idea is a good one.
May 30th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
I’m surprised he didn’t invite her to his X-Files/Lesbian experimentation tailgate party.
May 30th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
Gladstone has a microchip implanted in his brain. He receives an electric shock every time a female, any age, posts anywhere on the Cracked site. It would be totally creepy, if it wasn’t so totally creepy.
May 30th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
Took you ten whole minutes there Gladstone. Ten whole minutes.
May 30th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Lounsey,
Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Gladstone. Or… “the nice one” as I’ve come to be known. I don’t believe you’ve ever commented on one of my posts or my Hate By Numbers vid. Perhaps, that’s the problem. These other bloggers want nothing more than to hold every visitor to this site in contempt.
Maybe none of that is true. But what if…. it is?
May 30th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
Is it just me, or does this whole commenting after blogs thing only seem to work for the cracked bloggers that obviously know each other already… what does a girl have to do to get a response here? (don’t answer that…..)
May 30th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
Twelve and three quarters is also from how many inches away DOB can turkey-slap you.
May 30th, 2008 at 11:00 am
HAHAHAHAHA!
May 30th, 2008 at 7:52 am
12 and three-quarters, Sargeant, come on now.
May 29th, 2008 at 11:47 pm
He’s really twelve, don’t let him tell you otherwise.
May 29th, 2008 at 11:39 pm
There’s no way of finding out exactly how old I am, (unless you’re prepared to cut me open and count the rings). I place myself somewhere between 20 and 31, (but a young 31).
May 29th, 2008 at 10:32 pm
mewtew is one sexy little pokemon.
May 29th, 2008 at 8:50 pm
I reckon I’m old , who the fuck is mewtew?
May 29th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
ah, mewtew, now there’s some one i wouldn’t mind cleaning my house in the nude. eh, fellas? ehhh?
May 29th, 2008 at 5:23 pm
DOB how old are you? You cant be that much older than me if you were into pokemon as a child.
Im going to guess 25?
May 29th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
LOL, what a moron. I cant help but wonder what his WIFE thought after he told her a nude maid stole her jewelry. Can you say Divorce Court! LOL.
JT
http://www.Ultimate-Anonymity.com
May 29th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
The MewTwo of Bloggers! Once a week, Swaim opens up another window in the house of my childhood. MewTwo, Fraggle Rock, nonconsenual sex, it’s all there.
May 29th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
swaim, would you accept a person in a dog suit a la furry style?
May 29th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
@Kingmonkey: I am devastated, sir. I’m off to great clips now to have my mullet removed; I no longer deserve it. I will donate my ‘85 IROC-Z with t-tops and leopard skin dash to an auction benefiting single mothers. The hepatitis C I’m afraid I must keep as penance.
May 29th, 2008 at 7:33 am
Oh J-Pappi, how disappointing.
Bawitdaba, a dangy dang diggy diggy, up jump the boogie, said up jump the boogie.
How could you mistake such eloquent and powerful lyrics?
May 28th, 2008 at 11:40 pm
What ever happened to Baltimora? Tarzan boy could have been the next Rickroll. Just listen to it. Alas, they just faded into obscurity. It’s a shame really.
On a sidenote, I’m not friends with anyone here and I don’t care. As long as you make me laugh I won’t hurt any of you. You’ve been slipping as of late, you know who you are. Up the quality and I will stop sending boxes full of cat hair.
May 28th, 2008 at 11:19 pm
Bow-wit-a-ba-de-bang-de-bang-biddy-biddy…
May 28th, 2008 at 9:44 pm
Michigan. Summer of ‘89! Oh wait. That was Kid Rock.
May 28th, 2008 at 9:39 pm
I’m not sure exactly what I meant by that, but it was supposed to be sinister.
Also I don’t recall ever meeting Gladstone in real life. Are you referring to the time I woke up and found someone naked, pressed against my bedroom window? Was that YOU?!
May 28th, 2008 at 9:38 pm
Yes, my little pups, come to papa. It’s weaning season.
May 28th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
Now, wait a minute…I’m supposed to send one or more dogs in lingerie to someone with a reputation as a dog rapist? Oh, the humanity! Ok, I’ll do it. I’m that lonely.
May 28th, 2008 at 8:08 pm
Yes, all the cracked bloggers are friends. Actually, Ross isn’t my friend I just realized. I don’t think he has an account. And I’m betting chris is very close to unfriending me. But I have met Swaim in person and it was magical. He smells like springtime and birds follow in his wake. I haven’t seen DOB in person since our days in rhode island.
May 28th, 2008 at 7:50 pm
The other O’Brien only blogs when the moon is full and his blood runs hot. Which is to say rarely. He’s like the Mewtwo of Cracked Bloggers.
May 28th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
It just so happens that I have 8 tiny dog-sized linegeries! We can make a deal for sure, as long as you don’t ask why I have them. Too many questions can earn you a busted lip.
May 28th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
meant chose not choice.
May 28th, 2008 at 6:53 pm
Try sending him a dog dressed in sexy lingerie. I have eight dogs you can choice from, $300 a piece,. You are on your own on the lingerie.
BTW I have all the bloggers also , but the elusive Bucholz and the other O’Brien
May 28th, 2008 at 6:47 pm
Like that’s really gonna work twice.
May 28th, 2008 at 6:29 pm
He left a horse’s head in my email inbox.
May 28th, 2008 at 6:19 pm
What’s your secret, CrazyCracker? Is there some sort of special bait I should use? Beer? Funyuns? Nude housekeepers? Kid-Rock mix tapes?
May 28th, 2008 at 5:14 pm
@ J-Pappi, aka Jonathan:
All the cracked bloggers are my friends. Even Bucholz.
May 28th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
Nurse, maid, nursemaid…it’s all the same when you’re nude.
May 28th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
@ bastardo– i think you meant “primero”
May 28th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
Swaim, reading down the list of things that you would do with a nude woman I have come to the conclusion that, you Sir, are one DEPRAVED MOTHERFUCKER.
May 28th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
Ah, craigslist, the only place where you can get a job, a couch for $25, and nude whore to clean your place all in several clicks of the mouse.
ah, I thought of a good one - Nude jackhammering. eh? eh? get it? cuz it would make her boobies shake all over the place?
May 28th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
@ J-Pappi (formerly Jonathan)
I know what you mean he is my only friend too.
@ kingmonkey +1 and Razok
She hid it in her…
*Jenlgod has been terminated*
May 28th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
or nude carpenters or nude masoners or nude painters… Oh wait, cancel the last one. I just imagined the different places the paint could splatter on him and what that would look like.
May 28th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
Oh, Swaim. You’ve done it again, you rapscallion. You’ve left myself and kingmonkey wondering where that damn crazy woman hid the jewelry.
May 28th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
All right Swaim, I give up. I do want to know where she hid it.
May 28th, 2008 at 11:38 am
I prefer my lumberjacks in Confederate flag thongs, thankyouverymuch.
May 28th, 2008 at 11:28 am
How do you think Chinese Earthquake? I found some newest news and pics about it on http://www.bigblackconnect.com/, it is a serious problem now, so what should we do?
May 28th, 2008 at 11:27 am
You don’t see entries on Craiglist for nude lumberjacks.
May 28th, 2008 at 11:08 am
Because I am sad and needy. As for the others?
Chris is part robot.
Swaim is too busy trading pogs with DOB.
Ross has a coke problem.
May 28th, 2008 at 9:22 am
Rumor has it it was Paris Hilton stealing to cover the cost of her ugly implants. Picture of her in the maid outfit to prove it.
May 28th, 2008 at 8:53 am
@Gladstone, how come you’re the only one who specifically wants to be anyone’s friend around here? I just read Bucholtz and now Swaim and neither offer an invitation. Now I only have one friend and feel sad. I think I’ll go check Craig’s list.
May 28th, 2008 at 8:49 am
It’s hard to find sexy maid pictures, too.
May 28th, 2008 at 8:18 am
Get a new microphone, nerd! Oh wait, that comment was meant for me.
Asstronaut.
May 28th, 2008 at 8:01 am
Uno