Arabs, Lions and Spooning a Houseplant: The Daily Nooner (EST)!
Ask A Cracked Blogger
I have insomnia. In order to fall asleep I have to basically shut off all of my senses and then do this bullshit breathing exercise. I can't have skin touching skin, I can't hear any noise that isn't constant, I can't be warm, and I can't see any light... even through my closed eyelids. I wind up with a fucking body pillow, a sheet tucked between all the areas where my skin would touch skin and a pillow over my head with a very loud fan on. It seems that this kind of behavior is a problem for women; I can't maintain a relationship because of my fucked up sleeping habits.
What should I do?
Tucked In Retardedly Every Dusk
Between Hollywood, TV commercials and these damn kids with their rap music, you can't turn your head these days without someone telling you that healthy, loving relationships are "cool" or "hep." Our culture is notorious for glamorizing long-term commitment, and you, like so many others, TIRED, have been brainwashed. I'm not going to discourage you from pursuing it, but I don't know if they manufacture a bed big enough to hold you, a significant other and all of your neuroses.
Women are loud, warm creatures that are typically covered in skin, which means that they embody every physical property you can't stand when you're trying to fall asleep. If you ever hope to share a bed with one, you'll need to slowly desensitize yourself to all the things that drive you nuts about them. To begin the process, spend your nights cuddling with the exact polar opposite of a woman: a common houseplant. Once you're comfortable with that, try it with a raw side of beef. Next, add some heating pads into the mix (set to 98.6°) and wrap the whole thing in a sheet of the softest leather you can find. Give it a feminine name - Cheryl or Gladys are both good ones - and a playful squeeze.
Now pat yourself on the back, TIRED. You have a girlfriend!
Got problems? Send your letters here.
