South African People to Nelson Mandela: WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!
With all respect and praise to our beloved Father, the dignified and beautiful leader of the people, our cherished Madiba President Nelson Mandela: We write your eminence with humble deference to the blessings you have brought and continue to bring to the cause of equality throughout the world, and in the desire to shield your admired status from damage. That is why we, the South African people, feel for the first time that we must ask: what the fuck, guy? You may wonder how we could take such a tone with your excellence. Let us assure you that just last week we would not think of doing so. But if our news outlets are correct, then it appears that your upcoming 90th birthday celebration will feature the “talents” of both hiphop artist Eminem and general plague The Spice Girls. So we ask again: what the fuck? Perhaps you thought we would not know. Perhaps you hoped that hardships in our recent history would prevent us from exposure to such people. But we assure you, Mr. Mandela, that we all heard “Stan,” we all liked Dido's version better, and we all retched at the utter nonsense of the phrase “Zigga Zigga Ah.” Please, we beg of you, do not invite these elements into our country, and so soon after we threw off the yoke of oppression. You threaten us today with a new yoke, Mr. Mandela: the yoke of utterly shitty music. We must ask: how can you find the works of these people a fitting tribute to your life of service? You once said that you “cherished the ideal of a democratic and free society in which all persons live together in harmony and with equal opportunities.” Such words lifted us up from the depths of degradation. Eminem once said “I’m-a pull you to this bullet and put it through you…just bend over and take it slut, okay Ma?” In case you are unfamiliar with American hiphop slang, we should let you know that he is there expressing the intention of raping his mother with a bullet. You…you understand this, yes? Because we want to make sure, in case you misinterpreted that lyric as an interesting take on the effect of globalization on race relations. Just because he played with Elton John doesn’t make him any less of a misogynist or general cock ring. We should also like to remind you of your inauguration, when you told us that you were a “humble servant of the people,” and that you “placed the remaining years of your life in our hands.” Perhaps you did not expect to live as long as you have, Mr. Mandela, but nevertheless we find it unseemly that you should try and back out of the deal now. You gave us all of your remaining years, and we certainly aren’t going to spend those years suffering under an AIDS epidemic while a woman named “Posh” rubs her fat white butt on your lap. We hope that these oversights are merely the result of some late onset senility, an unfortunate fact of advanced age. If this is the case, then this can all be easily remedied. We beg of you, Mr. Mandela, focus your clearly ailing mind long enough to get on the phone and cancel your birthday concert. In fact, you should probably ban Eminem and The Spice Girls from entering the country, in case you have a lapse later and forget our letter (A helpful hint: Eminem also goes by the name “Slim Shady.” Don’t be fooled.) If you would still like to have a concert on your birthday, there are plenty of acts you could choose that would not so deeply offend and invalidate everything you stand for. Some white supremacists, for example. We kid, Mr. Mandela. Are you still with us? Our point is simple: do not allow these acts to disgrace your legacy. We appreciate your ongoing commitment to color blindness and all, but if you’re going to get a hiphop artist, did you have to get the only white one? And don’t act like you didn’t notice; about half his songs are about it. It’s not that we hate white Americans, Mr. Mandela; it’s just that we wouldn’t want to run into one in the street on a dark night. Look, if you’ve got to have hiphop, we don’t want to deny you that. We hear Kanye’s down with the whole African thing, and Talib Kweli’s probably free. Or if you’re feeling more flexible, may we suggest a little Ladysmith Black Mambazo? In any case, the important thing here is to retain your integrity and grace, and not to let the phrase “grrl power” sully your holy ears. And just in case your eyesight isn’t what it used to be, we leave you with this message from your loving people: EMINEM IS A TOOLBAG AND THE SPICE GIRLS ARE BLEACHED LEATHERY HAGS. HAVING THEM PLAY MUSIC TO CELEBRATE YOUR LIFE IS LIKE DRAWING A BIG FLOPPY DICK ON THE MONA LISA. With eternal reverence, The South African People.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael impersonates large groups of blacks as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!