A Baffling Look at the Future of Music: Tween Pop Stars
One must be forever vigilant in today’s world of parenting, especially if you're the proud owner of a tween. Tweens grow up fast these days and apparently they're extremely important to our economy; That’s why the Powers-That-Be needed to invent a stupid new word for them. Around every corner lurks an evil that could corrupt your tween: the internet, other tweens, the internet again, and now even the music they listen to. The world of these musical tween sensations (tweensations) is a dark one. Fear The Tweensations.
The Jonas Brothers Band Or Petri Dish?
Although they are now technically adults, the Jonas Brothers are still sought after by tweens from across the globe. Maybe it’s their music, although I seriously doubt that. More than likely it’s the fact that all of these underage girls desperately want to fuck three guys with the same last name. Aside from the fact that these girls are way too young to fuck three guys with the same last name, The Jonas Brothers (despite their squeaky clean image) are probably the most dangerous dudes to let near your junk. Just check out the chorus of their “hit” song Lovebug:
Now I'm speechless, over the edge I'm just breathless I never thought that I'd catch this love bug again Hopeless, head over heels in the moment I never thought that I'd get hit by this love bug again
Sorry, girls, but the Jonas Brothers have crabs. Again.
Miley Cyrus Meet Me By The Flagpole At Recess But First Learn This Stupid Dance
Miley Cyrus (or Hannah Montana, depending on a wig or something) is the Once and Future Queen Of Tweens. I’ve already weighed in on her music (as have others at Cracked) and we all know she’s part of a conspiracy to teach underage girls to pole dance, but does she do any work that’s not audibly or morally offensive? Yes. Is it horrible in some other way? Yes. Is it still pretty audibly offensive? Of course.
"The Hoedown Throwdown" is a choreographed dance number from the Hannah Montana “movie” that makes the Hokey Pokey look like Bob Fosse’s Thriller (featuring Cotton-Eye Joe). I can only imagine the suicides currently happening at middle school dances as the Hoedown Throwdown comes on and 50 squealing girls flawlessly reenact the above monstrosity. DJ Casper must be sliding to the left in his grave right now.
Not to be outdone by Smiley Virus up there, I've made up my own dance-along. Make sure to play it at your next rainbow party.
Justin Bieber Stalking Is Cute If You Haven't Hit Puberty Yet, Right?
Justin Bieber has been blowing up quite a bit over the past few months and despite popular belief, he is a boy. He has songs that somehow feature Usher and Ludicrous, and tweenage girls are sporting wetties all over the country just to get a little bit of Bieber in them.
Bieber Fever: It’s like swine flu only more deadly and way gayer.
Aside from the disturbing fact that tiny 3-year-old girls are crying over this boy, the unfortunate thing about Justin(e) is how overwhelmingly creepy his songs actually are. In his single “One Less Lonely Girl,” Bieber proclaims to a young lady that “when you’re mine in the world there’s gonna be one less lonely girl” and he goes on to chant “I’m coming for you” over and over again. Eerily reminiscent of Jeffrey Dahmer’s sophomore album Dahmer Arigato, no?
To prove a point, here is a sneak preview of "Still My Girl," a track from Bieber’s upcoming record That's All She Totes:
Blackout Band Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll (Minus The Sex And Drugs)
Blackout Band 'hit' the 'scene' with their song "Video Games" last year. You’ve probably never heard of them because they’re eleven, but it turns out they’re kind of awesome and their lead singer Hunter sounds like the fuck child of Lou Reed and Neil Young. The unfortunate thing about the band, however, is that it seems like the kids don’t actually want to be in a band. According to their currently-under-reconstruction website, "Video Games" came about because Hunter’s guitar teacher noticed he was always playing video games instead of practicing the guitar. Hunter wrote the first verse and chorus, and his mother liked it so much she wrote the rest of the lyrics and eventually commissioned the production of this music video:
Other things these kids would rather be doing instead of being in a band and lip-syncing in front of a camera all day? Just ask some of their other song titles like “Graffiti” and “Recess Recess.” They might as well write a song called "Not Be In A Band" or "Let's Just Be Kids Let's Just Be Kids." Currently, Blackout Band does not have a full-length album, but I suspect it will be called something like Does Anybody Want To Talk About How Our Parents Are Forcing Us To Do This (Because We Think That Would Be A Pretty Cool Thing To Talk About). Then, of course, they'd go on their "Whatevs Across America" tour and we'd get leaked low-fi recordings like this:
I suppose this is really a lesson to the parents of talented kids. Even if you have no interest in letting your kids be kids, your kids still just want to be kids. Once they hit high school, consider pushing them into the rock & roll life, because by then they might actually enjoy it. If they still don't want to be in a band by then, at least we can find comfort in the assumption that all of their new songs will be called "Blowjobs."
Jordy Lemoine I'd Sign Your Tits, But I Just Shit My Diaper
Speaking of kids being forced into the industry way too early, did you know that in the early 90’s there was an album released by a 4-year-old? He was a French toddler named Jordy Lemoine and of the two singles of his that I'm going to mention, only one of them is called "Hoochie Mama." The other is about his naughty, mischievous, and cuddly girlfriend Alison.
Yeah, he's twenty-two now, but was he just the first of many? Are we eventually going to have to create a new word for kids who aren’t babies anymore but have the budding sexuality and commercial appeal of tweens? Are we creating a nation of Twoddlers?!?
I sincerely hope not, but this leaked track from fictional musician MC Baby says otherwise: