Tough talk: There hasn't been a good Die Hard film in 20 years. As the series increasingly escalated, John McClane went from a fish-out-of-water beat cop to international rescue spy surfing fighter jets. Now, Bruce Willis is winding up to yet again whiff in the upcoming Die Hard: Year One, which promises to take place both in the present and back in the '70s, focusing on the origin story of how John McClane met his wife.
Den Of Geek
This is seriously what the new Die Hard writer thinks we've been all waiting to see.
Awkwardly coined as a "sequel/prequel hybrid," it's as if the studio is stuck between the idea of rebooting the franchise and doing a sequel with Bruce Willis -- who once asked a producer during a negotiation, "Who's your second choice to play John McClane?"
So How Do We Fix It?
Hey ... who is the second choice to play John McClane?
As Kevin Smith once painstakingly detailed after making Cop Out, Bruce Willis is kind of a pain in the ass to work with.
So why not ... you know ... just recast the role and make John McClane immortal? It's not exactly like his character grows with each film.
20th Century Fox
In fact, certain things actually recede over the years.
Go ahead, try to think of what John McClane's arc is throughout the first three films. He doesn't have one. In fact, John McClane is so aggressively stagnant that other characters around him have arcs to accept who he is. Because John McClane is the grizzled roughneck everyman to James Bond's charming cervix-magnet. They are both power fantasies. And no one wants to see their power fantasies grow old and confused.
Plus, recasting the role is so guaranteed to work that it already did.
"Come out to D.C., we'll get together, have a few laughs ..."
There's Only One Way To Make An Avatar Sequel
20th Century Fox
Avatar made more money than any other movie in history. Because of that, James Cameron plans to create at least three more films set in that universe, which are currently being written by multiple writers and which promise to once again revolutionize the world of digital effects in a grand multi-million-dollar production. Along with this, Disney World will be opening an entire new section of their park devoted to recreating the iconic world of Pandora.
Only there's a snag: No one gives a big blue shit about Avatar.
Without looking it up, name two characters from this movie. Actual character names, not the actors.
You know it and I know it, but James Cameron doesn't know it. So if you or someone you love happens by Mr. King of the World, please relay the following immediately:
So How Do We Fix It?
STOP EVERYTHING YOU ARE DOING, JAMES CAMERON.
Look, Jim. I love your work, and that you helped design the Predator. But no one wants to see another Avatar film. Seriously, Jim. I'm sorry about this, because it was our fault for leading you on.
You see, it was December of 2009. Obama had just become president, while the war in Iraq was winding down. The recession had just ended, and everyone was ready to jump on the postwar escapism bandwagon. Then your movie about fuckable blue monsters came along and not only tapped into that push from Bush, but also did so through the budding resurgence of 3D movies which we were all so desperate to enjoy. We really needed something safe to enjoy, Jim. I understand how it would be easy to confuse the attention with actual affection, but I'm telling you: No one is a fan of Avatar. I'm sorry. And since Avatar 2 is now being delayed indefinitely by the studio ...
... I thought it might be a good time to tell you. Please stop, Jim. You made the "Who Let The Dogs Out" of movies, and you're walking into your cinematic "You All Dat." Now please go back to making good films, and not a bunch of garbage sequels for the next 10 years. You have the power to make this stop, Jim. You're in charge.
James Cameron can direct all further career questions to David's Twitter.
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Hollywood has A LOT to fix. See what else needs some cleaning up in 18 Offensive Stereotypes You Still See In Movies And On TV and 5 Things Movie Trailers Need To Stop Doing.
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