How would you feel if you knew that, thousands of years in the future, archaeologists will carefully examine your browser history, decrypt that external hard drive you labeled "not porn," and even find that sticky Penthouse magazine you hid behind the lockers in middle school? Would you be embarrassed? Well, if ghosts exist, that's exactly how old-timey people are feeling right now that we've discovered sexy and/or disgusting items like ...
6King Tut's Very Flammable 3,300-Year-Old Erection
WARNING: This entry contains a centuries-old mummy dick. So, y'know, bookmark away.
When most of us think of mummies, there are two things that come to mind: Tutankhamun's classic golden burial mask and that time Arnold Vosloo puke-screamed all of those bugs at us way back in 1999. What we don't usually consider is the fact that King Tut himself was mummified with a 90-degree boner for all eternity, because when you die you're surrounded by slamming goddesses with confusing lion and cow heads.
Harry Burton/Griffith Institute
"Uh, I went swimming in the Nile shortly before my death."
Yes, King Tut was sporting a morning woody when his tomb was opened in 1924 -- he was a teenager when he died, you know. One theory suggests that the embalmers back in ancient Egypt took the time to stuff their dead king's junk as a response to the catastrophic religious movement his father started during his reign. In a way, Tutankhamun's erect penis could almost be called a declaration of holy war, a return to the old ways that made Egypt prosperous before Tut's dad turned everything upside-down. And, after all, what better way to make a political statement than through a penis encased in a tomb for thousands of years?
This postmortem intervention was all a way to make Tut look like -- and in theory, become -- Osiris, the god of the underworld. You know, this guy:
via Blau Stern Schwarz Schlonge
He looks like he's really enjoying his massage.
Osiris is most often depicted as a man with jet-black skin, a tall white crown, cocked-out elbows, and, of course, an erect phallus. Tut's embalmers coated his skin with black resins and oils in homage to Osiris, but it appears to have been a very shitty rush job, because brown patches on his tomb from microbial activity indicate that the place was sealed while the paint on the walls was still wet. To top everything off, scorch marks on the walls of the tomb and charring on the body indicate that the boy-king ended up catching fire sometime after that. Just remember that the next time you complain about a handjob: At least your penis didn't explode.
Continuing this calamity of errors, when Tut's body was first examined by Howard Carter and anatomist Douglas Derry, his dong immediately broke off (Tut's, not Derry's) and was not seen again until decades later, when scientists conducting a CT scan believe they found it lying in the sand beneath his body. No wonder so many people involved in the dig died mysteriously: They didn't just mess with a mummy; they messed with his dick.
5Blackbeard's Syphilis-Fighting Urethral Syringe
Should you come into possession of King Tut's ancient penis, here's something to display right next to it in your collection: the six-inch syringe that Blackbeard inserted into his dickhole.
N.C. Dept of Cultural Resources
You could also combine both things, at which point the Zelda jingle would play.
When Blackbeard's lost flagship, the Queen Anne's Revenge, was rediscovered in North Carolina in 1996, scientists and historians immediately began cataloging every single thing they could find among the wreckage. These items have revealed the terrifying tactics Blackbeard employed to combat his enemies ... and the even more terrifying ones he used to keep a healthy penis. The purpose of the syringe above was to treat syphilis by shooting mercury directly into the urethra. Mercury eased the symptoms, but you were just as likely to kill yourself turning your dick into a thermometer as you were to die of the actual disease.
The urethral syringe was part of a store of medical instruments found in the ship, including other delightful items like a clyster pump used for absorbing fluids through the rectum. Blackbeard clearly cared about the welfare of his crew, most of whom probably had STDs, because no one knows how to party like a gang of pirates. Or he just liked putting metal things into his orifices. We're not judging.
N.C. Dept of Cultural Resources
We've seen more painful butt plugs, to be honest.
Historians can't technically say definitively whether Blackbeard himself had the syph, but at least 36 million people around the world are infected today, with 12 million new cases being reported each year. Considering that we're talking about the most famous pirate in the world, we'll take those odds. More importantly: Can we clone the guy using these things? If we can, someone please introduce him to condoms.