6 Stupid Things Pet Owners Need to Stop Doing Now
Naming Their Pets After Their Own Interests and Aspirations
It works every time. You should also not use your pet's name to give people another reason to think you're a degenerate binge drinker. So skip the alcohol themed names as well. You know what kind of pets are named "Jack Daniels"? The kind that end up in rescue shelters because their owner was found sleeping it off in a ditch 600 miles from home with alcohol induced amnesia. If you're even entertaining the thought of naming your pet after booze, it's probably a good sign that you're not ready for the responsibility of owning a pet (and that you have a severe drinking problem). Oh, and it should go without saying that if you name your pet "Bentley" or "Porsche" or any other luxury brand name, people immediately assume you have shitty credit and a home in foreclosure. Just a heads up.
Dressing Pets Up In Anything More Than a Collar
Pictured: A dog thinking about converting to Judaism.Sure, maybe if you have one of those shivery little dogs that chicks carry around in purses, throwing a sweater on it during inclement weather is a fine idea. Those poor little pups look like they're always freezing, they can use the extra warmth. But putting shoulder pads and a helmet on your Saint Bernard because the Jets made the playoffs is like two steps away from full on animal abuse. The only person who thinks this is a good idea is you. The rest of the world just assumes you're a lonely old spinster who never found someone to love you and therefore never had kids that you could torture with your absurd fashion sense. And they're probably right. Hey, speaking of kids ...
Getting a Pet to Practice Being Parents
When you're here, you're family ... and every other restaurant had a 45 minute wait.And what becomes of that poor pet once you've convinced yourself that your ability to competently play fetch with a collie means you're ready to have children? It's not like you took that pet in out of love, you just did it as some kind of stupid experiment. Once you finally have that kid, the pet is going to be pushed to the side and ignored, because you never wanted it in the first place. You just wanted someone or something to validate your belief that you're ready to procreate. Maybe, instead of testing out the parenting methods you learned from reading Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother on some unsuspecting pug, you should consider getting a plant instead. You don't see neglected ferns in those depressing SPCA commercials, do you?
Throwing Them Birthday Parties
"Does this nearly asphyxiated dog make my clinical depression look fat?" Don't get me wrong, I enjoy cake just as much as (if not more than) anyone else, but having your local bakery whip one up in the shape of a bone and making me buy your stupid dog a gift just to get to it is where I draw the line.
Buying "Exotic" Pets
Breeding In Negative Traits to Satisfy the AKC Appearance Standards
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