6 Sex Toys Straight Out Of Your Nightmares
If you're reading this, then you have access to the Internet. Therefore, you've seen plenty of things which no mortal should ever see -- often stuffed into someone's butt. Sometimes, the site in question then attempts to sell you that thing. Sex toys are plentiful online, and it's no secret that some of their designs go a bit more over the top than what anyone should welcome near their genitalia.
And then there are the misinformed toys, the ones which rise above and beyond mere creepiness and start raising serial killer flags. If you ever hook up with someone and find their toy box includes one of these things, run. Run like their fridge was full of human faces -- which, to be fair, it likely is.
(As always, the NSFW rule applies. Treat all links from here on out like they contain copious amounts of terror ass, because chances are they do.)
Urethra Sound Sets
There are precious few openings in the world which someone somewhere hasn't attempted to stick something into in a sexual way at one point or another. I'm willing to bet that the Wild West ratio of desperate cowboys and enticing holes in the ground was far more impressive (and far, far more tragic in their rattlesnake quotient) than history books let us know.
With this in mind, it's no surprise that people keep sticking shit in their urethras. That's why it comes almost as a relief that there's a seemingly real medical company making hospital-grade urethra rods for people to do whatever the shit it is they hope to achieve by sticking things up their pee holes ...
... right up until you find out about the ones that electrocute you.
Right up your pee hole.
The product page tells me that this thing is "for advanced users" and is "able to create unparalleled orgasms" by running a current deep within a dong, never once specifying precisely whose orgasms we're talking about here. Basic anatomy seems to indicate that the guy with an electro-pen stuffing up his dick isn't about to come in a hurry, so I'm forced to assume the entire pitch is code that refers to someone who owns a few creepy mansions in Eastern Europe and flies a few young men there for what he jokingly describes as "truly electrifying weekends."
I'm told that masturbation gloves exist these days. It ... seems kind of excessive. But then again, why the hell not? Specialized gloves are totally a thing. We have driving gloves, riding gloves, and those fingerless gloves that hobos, street vendors and myself are fond of using when it's chilly or we feel like creeping people out.
With that in mind, the Booty Glove doesn't seem quite as bad as it looks. Sure, it's got the tang of some sort of special garden gloves that gardeners use to remove giant slugs from their rose fields, and there's that mildly serial killer-y mouth cavity in the flipper between the thumb and the index finger. But at least whatever the hell you're meaning to lube up and do with it can be done in the sweet, dark privacy of your own home.
Except, of course, that it isn't the idea behind the product at all.
Yes, according to promotional material (and no inkling of common sense whatsoever), that fucking jerk-off glove is meant for couples' use, somehow. I'm picturing a terrifying porn parody of the Pale Man scene in Pan's Labyrinth, with the guy advancing on the poor woman with Booty Gloves in both hands, holding those godawful mouth pieces to his eyes and screeching like a steam-powered demon.
If you absolutely need to know more about this thing's logistics, here's a creepy person demonstrating the use on various latex appendages. From what I can tell, the general idea is to aggressively rub the spiky glove on things and occasionally snap that rubber-band-like mouth flipper in the general vicinity of the genitals of choice. Which, to be fair, is probably an awesome way to pass the time if you happen to be Buffalo Bill from The Silence Of The Lambs in his teenage years.
TongueJoy Oral Vibrators
All readers who are into dudes, imagine with me. You have hooked up with the man of your dreams, a high-powered businessman with vaguely Christian-Bale-like features. Having never seen American Psycho, you fail to recognize this as a potentially bad sign, as he leads you to his apartment in an exclusive high-rise. Before you get to business, he puts on some Huey Lewis & the News, excuses himself, and disappears into the bathroom.
As he finally reemerges, he walks up to you silently like a jungle cat, his naked flesh glistening in the moonlight. Your lips quivering in anticipation, you start bringing them to his ...
... and he opens his mouth and unveils this fucking thing, angrily writhing on his tongue like a parasitic louse:
"Bhfffffft! Whrrr arrrruu goinnf?" he calls after you, the oral vibrator piercing spraying spit all across the silken bed sheets like the devil's own lawn sprinkler. You won't stop until you're several blocks away, and only hours later do you realize that he was also holding an ax.
Boning and sanity aren't always on speaking terms, which is why oral sex vibes are a fairly common fish toward the deeper end of the sex toy madness pool. This is, of course, rock-solid proof that the Joker is real and looking to ruin everyone's shit in a manner most ingenious. The tongue is a pretty damn delicate sex instrument even without a damn clown-colored joy buzzer attached to it. It's also the absolute worst place to attach a vibrator, logistics-wise, save perhaps your pinky toe -- regardless of whom you're about to pleasure and how.
Still, all that and the fact that using these things makes you look like you ate a tiny clown can almost (almost) be forgiven by the fact that this thing exists:
The Internet tells me that this is called "Punisher," although exactly who it is meant to punish is unclear.
Hahahahahahaha! It's a tiny vibrating dick piercing for your tongue that can't be used as a dick or a tongue! That's it -- these things are clearly exclusively designed by the anthropomorphic personification of sexual irony.
Fully, Uh, Functional Virgin Sex Toys
Right. Japan. Hoooo boy, Japan. We all knew this was coming, so might as well get it out of the way, right?
I like Japan. I really, really do. I'm a huge fan of their immeasurable cultural kinks and general weirdness from a Western point of view. Tentacles? Sure, why not. Whatever floats your boat -- or, as the case may be, drags your boat into the great abyss to ravage it forever. Still, at least the vast majority of the kooky things they produce manage to dance a fine line between charming cultural differences and genuine creepiness. I mean, it's not like they gleefully make bleeding sex toys or anyth--
Guys, I'm all for fantasies. While it's not exactly my ballpark, I fully understand the power trip some guys enjoy in the whole virgin fantasy thing. But do you really need a sex toy that actually bleeds to simulate the sensation? From multiple manufacturers, for that matter. How ... how does that even work? It's not like you're likely to see the fake blood while you're, uh, operating the machinery. Do you poke the toy with a stick until it bleeds? Do you revel in the blood afterwards?
Actually, don't answer that. Because I can't help but feel that whenever you feel the need to shed your precious dollars on a sex toy that sputters red goop, the next step is hissing at the police from your meathook-filled closet dungeon after they finally realize that the material of your anime body pillow is suspiciously skin-like, and that no one has seen your neighbor in weeks.
I've been known to find it difficult to understand why people insist on fucking replicas of severed body parts that aren't, you know, genitals. It's just such a strangely deliberate creepy act -- like you're Kurt Russell and you know that the Thing'll get you any minute now, so you'll just grab the nearest body part lying around and dick it to oblivion in the hopes of accidentally teabagging your alien assailant.
Yet the sex toy industry continues to thumb its nose at common sense with products such as Design Me Male Masturbation Simulation Vibrating Jade Hand Vagina, which I'm just going to go ahead and call the "Palmgina" from here on out, because what the fuck?
In more ways than one.
Footginas have been featured on our site before, and although they're as creepy as seven hells (imagine stomping on a clitoris every time you take a step), there's at least some justification for their existence. Foot fetishists are surprisingly common, and the whole "foot that you can fuck" thing has at least some justification from their sheer numbers. Hand fetishists exist as well, but the whole vagina thing is a lot tougher to justify in this case. If you're into hands enough to buy a fake hand for masturbatory purposes, isn't it a handjob you'd be after? No? Your specific fetish is to screw a vagina-shaped palm opening not unlike a crucifixion wound in a severed hand? Sure, guy, no problem. I'm sure the people processing your online order took a long, hard look at the screen before they let out an audible sigh and alerted the authorities.
The Dildo Urn
What does a terrifying mass murderer do after tearing through the latest of his victims? Head to the liquor store for a nice bottle of Chianti? Craft a tasteful (save for the material, of choice) lampshade? Stand in the backyard pantsless and rev his chainsaw at the moon?
Ha, of course not. They're going to go and buy a whole bunch of dildo urns in which to store the remains of their victims forever, and ... uh, enjoy the memory whenever they see fit.
Granted, 21 Grams (you know, that old adage about the weight of the human soul) is a little more ambitious project than the mere "fuck'em till we have a mansion" striving of your average sex toy manufacturer. The designer is attempting to offer a little something (wink, nudge, etc.) for the widow of the deceased to remember their mate by, in the most intimate way available in the circumstances. For the brave griever without undue necrophiliac leanings, the package offers a tastefully constructed memory box, complete with a gold-plated key. The contents -- which include a dildo, a scent diffuser, and an iPhone dock with flower-shaped speakers, because why the fuck not -- are known to the owner of the key alone ... as is the knowledge of where exactly they may shove the deceased, and how often.
In some strange, darkly humorous kind of way, this is actually a pretty endearing concept. Still, let's be honest: If this thing ever gets off the shelves in a big way, the Feds only need to acquire the buyers' list, and they're going to solve roughly 120 percent of all mystery murders in the Western hemisphere.
Pauli is a Cracked weekly columnist who barely owns any of this stuff, officer. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.
For more sex toys for the serial killer in you, check out 5 Sex Toys That Were Clearly Designed By Serial Killers and grab yourself a homemade dildo maker! But remember, no dildo maker is complete without a "nut crusher" to really get that nutless look. Buy yours today in 15 Real Sex Toys That Will Give You Nightmares.
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