6 Movies (That Might As Well Be) Coming Out This Spring

Back in the glory days of Cracked Magazine (90 days, to be exact), Cody wrote a fictional Spring Movie Preview with his friend Jordan Posner.  After the magazine went under (followed by an unrelated "Most Dangerous Game"-type situation), they vowed to never speak again.  Here now is their triumphant return to making fun of the bullshit that Hollywood throws at us every year.

The Lockhorns Of Levittown

The Lockhorns Of Levittown is the latest big screen adaptation of a classic comic strip in the vain of Garfield, Garfield: A Tale Of Two Kitties, Marmaduke and the upcoming Marmaduke: A Dog Of Two Kitties.  The Lockhorns Of Levittown tells the bewildering story of Leroy and Loretta Lockhorn, a married couple that wishes the other was dead because of lechery and bad cooking, respectively. Leroy is played by the stellar Stanley Tucci, while his hateable wife is a computer-generated blob voiced by Jenna Elfman. Only one of them phones in their performance (spoiler alert: It’s Tucci). They both learn a lesson about love and marriage (Leroy because he fucks Cathy, Loretta because she fucks Hagar The Horrible and Cathy). Buy your tickets now, because it’s playing for one night only. Halloween!!!

That’s Just The Way It Is Sometimes, Okay?!

A widower/billionaire/old fart (Richard Gere) makes a bet with an over-the-hill ice cream cake maker (Paul Giamatti) over who can win the heart of a menopausal seamstress (Kirstie Alley) prone to fits of homicidal rage. The movie features a five-minute shot of Alley’s pubes and there is some excellent back-sack work from Giamatti. Kirstie Alley’s character is confusingly named “Diane Keaton” and Kathy Bates shows up to briefly flash the inside of her pussy. There is one funny scene where they all embarrass each other on Facebook, but the rest of the movie is just more back sack.

GENIE-uses GENIE-uses is a delightful new romantic comedy, starring Jennifer Aniston and Ryan Reynolds, about two divorced genies who wind up with the same master (Jon Heder). Jon Heder treats us to catchphrases like, “If I knew, I’d tell you,” and “I didn’t put that there!” With the film at just under 76 minutes, it’s a wonder that half of it is just a bunch of montages set to Sum 41’s “Fat Lip.” The soundtrack is better than the movie, but the movie is better than the movie if it didn’t have a soundtrack.

Bitchy High School Cunts

Diablo Cody is back with a quippy reference-heavy film about big-tittied high schoolers who tweet their insults at each other. The lead cunt is played by not Rachel McAdams, but someone like that. The protagonist is Jack Zefrong, who almost breaks out into song and dance 23 times but too many layers of irony prevent it from ever happening. At one point, one of the cunts keeps listing characters from Fraggle Rock until she keels over and dies. “Everybody knows Wembley and Sprocket,” she says to no one in particular. “But who remembers Uncle Traveling Matt and Cotterpin Doozer?” A passerby utters to her, “Yeah, but why?” and her head explodes. Some other quote-worthy moments:

“Who do you think you are? Michael Dukakis?”

“I’m on my iPeriod.”

“I’m wantin’ some blowfish for my hootie, cuz I’m Darius Fucker.”

Awkward 3D

Twitchy (Michael Cera) and Mumbles (Jesse Eisenberg) are essentially the same character and you know one is better than the other, but you’re not sure which. They play two high school seniors in their mid-20s who need to get laid by Arbor Day or their respective mothers will be eaten by an anthropomorphic tree voiced by Kevins Spacey and Costner. Tons of uncomfortable shifting ensues and the use of 3-D is consistent in being a thing about the movie. The tagline “Things are far away and then suddenly close” is apt.

Moonfucker

This adaptation of the popular Moonfucker tween romance is about a teen girl (Bonita Goosepyre) who has vampires for eyes. As the story progresses, she is silent near a strange boy at her school for a while. They serve food during cafeteria and math class is hard. Only compounding the frustration is a different strange boy who is likely an Eskimo. The two strange boys moon fuck her separately and then together. Occasionally some ninjas fight zombies, but for some reason you hate it. It ends on a cliffhanger where the girl turns into a mermaid. Can’t wait for the sequel, Moonfucker: The Glitter Of Blood.

Other notable films coming out this spring:

Delicious: Based on The Novel Pie by Sapphire

Two Men Have Trouble Being Gay In 1950s New England

One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish (starring Chris Kattan)

There Might Be Blood: The Daily Story Of My Underpants

Direct-To-VHS sequels to Paul Blart:  Mall Cop!

Paul Blart 2: Paul Blarter

Paul Blart 3: Federal Blarshal

Blarts And Minds

Jean-Paul Blartre

We Didn’t Blart The Fire (But Paul Blart Did)

Blarma Police

Paul Blart 8: Mall Cops