Uncomfortable Questions And Truths The MCU Avoids

So, yeah, despite it being a figurative and literal stretch, they gave the man pants. But, as a result, the transformation from slacks to stitch-busting short-shorts leaves human-Bruce inevitably naked when the dust clears.

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None of this is new information, but it's rather easy to forget when the majority of Hulk battles abruptly cut away after victory is declared. Even when they are fighting in, say, a snowy forest ...

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Or the middle of New York ...

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Or on the streets of an African city ...

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No matter where they are, Banner's sweaty dick is the celebratory fireworks after the parade of violence. Every battle will end with a shivering naked man waiting for somebody to grab a robe from the quinjet -- and that's assuming they have spare clothes at the ready. Keep in mind that for most of these occasions, Hulking-out was not originally on the menu ... meaning that no one would have thought to bring an extra set of trousers. In other words, the Hulkbuster fight probably ended with Tony Stark awkwardly carrying a balls-out Banner to the nearest JCPenney while onlookers snapped heroic dick pics for the fast-growing /r/HulkPecker subreddit.

But at least his problem is physical ...

James "War Machine" Rhodes, a military man who must know the dangers of PTSD, hand-waves Tony's panic attack like it's an embarrassing mishap. Later, when it's revealed that Tony's been pathologically "tinkering" with countless Iron Man suits, Pepper treats it like an annoying hobby ... even when the annoying hobby accosts her during the night.

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Despite Tony having a nightmare so severe it wakes up his remote-controlled death armor, Pepper angrily tells Tony to "tinker" with her sleeping on the couch like he just dealt a Dutch oven. At no point does she seem concerned that the man sleeping next to her has access to devastating technology and is gradually slipping into Sheen-level madness.

Then this happens:

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If there were a cure for space-related PTSD, I'm guessing it wouldn't be the crushing weight of your home as you plunge into the bottom of the sea. In fact, between the darkness and lack of oxygen, this seems like a pretty close re-creation of the horrible asphyxiation threat haunting Tony's mind. And yet, instead of featuring a solid hour of him catatonically screaming into his own brain, the film carries on like its hero didn't just get bushwhacked by crippling fear. There's even a fun post-credits scene where it's revealed that Stark's been venting his story to Bruce Banner ...

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... who's been sleeping the whole time. Jesus, guys. Does literally no one in The Avengers care that one of their teammates is slowly coming apart? No wonder Tony's so angry in Civil War.

Then again, (almost) everyone has a right to be angry, considering that ...

Here's a thought: According to the Marvel timeline, Thor has been alive roughly since the year 965, making him around 1,035 years old. Up to Civil War, the timeline to The Avengers has lasted about five years -- meaning that this world-changing event has taken up approximately 1/200th of his current lifetime, which for a human living to be 80 is the equivalent of five months. So, going by that obvious math, the 60 years that Thor is going to be potentially boning Jane Foster is his equivalent of five years, or less than the entire Brennifer saga. Only, I'm guessing they won't be boning for the last decade or two, considering that Jane will be half-dust while Thor is exactly the same.

Assuming Thor lives as long as his father (around 5,000 years), the undying love between him and Jane would fill the span of your first year in elementary school. Saving the fucking planet would be as consequential as a rope swing exercise at summer camp. I mean ... have you even seen him take any kind of serious damage while fighting alongside his buddies? What could turn Hawkeye into a red mist is like getting hit by a Frisbee at recess for Thor.

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Seriously, is Thor even in any danger during these films? Had Ultron successfully rock-punched the planet into oblivion, the post-credits scene would have been Thor bifrosting back to his realm at the last second, giving a Larry David shrug, and grabbing some Asgardian shawarma.

Thousands of years is a long-ass time, but at least it won't be boring. Thor's practical immortality also means he'll have a privileged view when human society crumbles faster than your last Civilization III game. Why? Well, for one thing ...

It's a fun little cameo to explain how screwed his company is for not manufacturing weapons -- and accidentally a harbinger for terrible implications within the entire fictional world. Because along with the Hugh Hefner "cameo," the first Iron Man establishes that the Marvel Universe is actually an alternative offshoot of our own with the same stock market and financial burdens. So imagine the Mad Money episode after this:

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What kind of financial quake happens when the CEO of a weapons company has a robot grudge match with his second in command? Seriously. I'm honestly wondering what it could be -- because it basically happens two more fucking times in the Iron Man universe.

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In Iron Man 2, Hammer Industries ends up harboring a terrorist and accidentally blowing up the Stark Expo with an army of terror drones. It somehow gets worse, because Advance Idea Mechanics goes on to break new ground in the "trying to kill the president" industry while secretly puppeteering the Marvel equivalent of Osama bin Laden. Can you imagine trying to make a living in the tech industry when your boss could turn out to be a wasp-man who gets the office imploded by his sworn rival?

With every innovative company being ticking evil-bombs, there's no way that doesn't ripple out into the entire economy -- which is especially troubling since there's a good chance the entire United States government is crumbling to its knees ...

Captain America: The Winter Soldier is all about Hydra infiltrating the top positions of S.H.I.E.L.D. and the U.S. government for the purposes of mass-murdering their enemies with giant helicarriers and such. Not only is that super-treason, it's a royal clusterfudge thanks to the consequent mix of secret bad guys and innocent employees that were unknowingly compliant. And even though their master plan is ultimately foiled, that still puts us smack-dab in the same situation as 1945 Nazi Germany, but with a way larger gray area. In the wake of this revelation and collapse of one of the most powerful organizations in the world, we would have no fucking clue who was working for Hydra and who was unwittingly following along in a plot to kill millions of people. It's not like the bad guys had the decency to all grow goatees or something.

This would entail lengthy and expensive trials, guilt/suicide damage control, and worldwide manhunts as the guilty parties scattered into hiding. All of which, mind you, concerns a crime that is punishable by death, carried out by a government in such shambles that its own vice president is already awaiting execution for the same atrocity.

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Yeah. Did you think they were just gonna give him a slap on the wrist for conspiring to kill the president in Iron Man 3? We're straight up in post-war Germany by the time these films are settled. And while we're awkwardly talking about 1945 Germany ...

... but we ONLY used it onc- no ... wait. Darn it, we totally did it two times. And not in like ... unpopulated areas or a military base or anything like that ... but multiple industrial cities. Really crazy stuff. But hey, the Nazis killed waaaaay more!

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Like maybe ... *ahem* about ... 6 or 7 million ... yeeeeah, just to back up for a second ... it turns out that while Red Skull was TOTALLY a bad dude ... that Hitler guy was just ... like somebody probably should have ...

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... anyway, I should skate. Do you need anything? There's a great Mexican fusion place that- you probably just need to be alone. That's fine. Everything's fine. Anyway, we've had like six wars since then, where- you know what? I'm just gonna- Oh, one more thing ... times have sort of changed since the '40s ... so when you see Nick Fury again, you'll probably want to ... update your vocabulary ...

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Laaaater."

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Direct your love to Dave on his Twitter.

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